Wolffie's Words

Day One Hundred and Thirty-One....Sometimes it's You

2011-12-25T20:17:00.000-08:00

So it's the holiday time and so much goes on with family dynamics. I remember as a child that my grandma used to always bring hard as a rock fruit cake to my Aunt and Uncle's for Christmas. My Aunt and Uncle did not like hard as rock fruit cake...but could they really tell my grandma that? Then there was always someone who drank too much and told stories that would totally embarrass someone. Inevitably, someone would receive a gift that was unwanted. My family was and is very colorful and when I was young, I couldn't wait to see who would say or do something that was not totally appropriate. It always happened.....and I always got to giggle and when I became a teenager. I got to roll my eyes with either embarrassment or disdain. What family doesn't have a little drama at the holidays?!?

So, this year that person was......ME!!! We were invited to our friends annual holiday open house. We always look forward to it. Great friends...a lot of laughter...and totally to die for fab food. The Hubby and Running Stud were going for a bike ride this Christmas morning and they had their route all planned out....a nice two hour bike ride. They were getting a late start and The Big Kahuna (me) told them "gotta shorten your ride...we have to be dressed and out by 11:15 to get there by 12:00" The Hubby's reply..."I think the party starts at 1:00" "No..it's 12:00...don't be late." So my ever so compliant Hubby did as was suggested (told) by me, The Big Kahuna, and made it back, showered and was ready to go by 11:25.

We got to the party house promptly at 12:00 and there were no cars there.. I was proud that we were on time and the first ones there!!!! We rang the buzzer to get in and we were greeted by the party hostess....."You guys are a bit early..we are exchanging gifts...I hope it won't make you feel uncomfortable"......I WANTED TO DIE!!! My kids all rolled their eyes and whispered.."good one mom" (couldn't really blame them). I said we could come back and she insisted we stay. The ever so fab food wasn't out yet, the host explained (didn't think he needed to apologize!) . I sat in the back of the room and watched them exchanging their gifts with the great grandparents, grandparents and kids...it was sweet to see and I felt a bit more close to my already close friends. We ended up hanging and spending quality time which we would not have had if we were on time. We had exclusive rights to the party host and hostess. We got to eat the ever so fab food with no one else cutting in line and not judging us for pigging out...so sometimes it's worth it to be the faux-pah!!! Oh, I didn't mention that The Hubby never told me..."I told you so" ( I so would have said that)!!!!

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. I wish that I could say that I have never been the faux-pah before...but that would be a big fat lie. I wish I could blame my being the faux-pah because of my menopausal brain....but that would be a lie. Lets go back 23 years. The Hubby and I were engaged and we were on the wedding circuit. We had a wedding to go to of a high school buddy of mine. It was July and the wedding was in the San Fernando Valley. It was blistering hot and my Fiance wasn't too keen on getting dressed up in a suit and tie. We got to the wedding and we walked in, signed the guest book and I dropped our gift at the present table.We were milling around the room waiting for the ceremony to start. Where were my friends?!? I looked around the room and didn't recognize anybody. I got this sinking feeling that I was at the wrongwedding. I asked someone and I was correct in my assumption. I WANTED TO DIE!!! We fled the scene, got into the air conditioned car...and I remembered....."Oh Shit, I left the gift"!!! My ever so calm Fiance replied, "I'll wait while you get it". REALLY?!? I went in, hijacked the gift and ran out of there as fast as I could in my high heels...It was a sight that would have gotten mega hits on you tube!!!!! Can you imagine the bride and groom reading the guestbook thinking.."Who is Wolffie and Fiance"?!?!?! My buddy's wedding was actually the next week...and it was beautiful...and a much better crowd...maybe because I knew the bride, groom and the guests!!!!

Can you relate? More will be revealed.

Signing off until we meet again. Please come back for more.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day One Hundred and Thirty.....Tis the Season to be?

2011-12-06T08:50:00.000-08:00

Hi. Tis the season to be....?

I often wonder why it is that with the spirit of giving, people are CRAZY and MEAN!! I find that the stress of making the holidays perfect for loved ones...people forget that strangers are trying to do the same thing. So, please don't cut me off on the freeway. Please don't cut in line at the market. Please don't scowl while I am doing a bank deposit that might take a bit longer. Please don't take the shirt I was about to buy for my son who REALLY wanted it (I found something else). Please don't take my parking spot at the mall that I had been waiting for FOREVER (and I might add that my blinker was on). I guess what I am trying to say is, get your head our of your ass and CHILL.

I used to be one of those "I have to get things done, buy the best gifts, make my house oh so perfect" holiday peeps. Then a few years ago, I had to take a step back and realize I was miserable and I was bringing my loved ones down the misery road with me!!! Heavy sigh. I cut down on the amount of gifts I bought my kids. Who am I in competition with? Do my kids think I love them any less if I don't shower them with crap they don't need? I saw them open their gifts with no realization as to what they were getting because they were on to the next gift. So three instead of eight or nine really made them aware of what they were getting and I really picked things that I knew they would like.

This year will be a year of 3 gift year again, yummy food, and feeling blessed that my kids are around. They still want to hang with me and the hubby which for me is the best gift of all.! They don't have the look in their eyes or the attitude of: "Why am I here with my folks when I could be anywhere but here"? I'll take this gift every year...unwrapped!!!

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. My birthday is on Christmas Eve. It is not the best day to be born if you want the focus on you, you, you!!! As a kid, my folks gave me 1/2 birthday parties in June so my pals could come to my parties. It was great. As a grown-up, my birthday has been coined "Wendy-Eve" (cute,,,huh!!!). I do like the attention..I do like the gifts...but now I really enjoy spending time with my kids and hubby. I used to want a big fuss made for me, over me and about me..and I was always let down. No one could ever meet my expectations!!!! Hell, I could never meet my over indulgent expectations!!! So, now I don't have any... well one....to be with my family. I don't care what we do.....I just want us to be together.....with no yelling and bickering....just love and good cheer (is this an expectation?!?)

Age has taught me not to look beyond what is in front of me. To expect things will only lead to disappointment. I try to look what's smack dab in front of me and enjoy.

Tis the season to........enjoy life, laugh often and be grateful for all the blessing I have.

Can you relate? More will be revealed.

Please come back for more. Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day One Hundred and Twenty-Nine...It Still Stings

2011-11-27T07:40:00.000-08:00

Hi. Today is November 27, 2011. It seemingly feels like it's going to be a beautiful day in Southern California. It is the end of a wonderful Thanksgiving weekend. We had family come from high and low. We had fabulous food, laughter and even Black Friday was a success. On the 23rd was my 11th anniversary of my breast cancer. This is all so wonderful and yet my heart is sad today because my daddy is not here and it is his birthday.

I can't believe that this December will mark the 5th year of my dad's passing. The sting is still with me. When I think of the accident, my heart still stops and I can't catch my breath. It's not something I talk about because....shit... it's been 5 years. Shouldn't I be over the shock by now? Shouldn't I be able to have a day go by and not think of how I would like to tell my daddy about my day? Shouldn't I be able to not always look for butterflies to see if my daddy still hovers over me and my brood? Shouldn't I be able to just move on? Who set up the Shouldn't list anyways?!?

I don't want to give you the impression that I live my life in constant gloom. doom and grief. I do not. I have so much joy and laughter sprinkled with a bit of craziness due to teenage testosterone, being a PFC President (which my dad would be laughing at cause I am not usually the Big Kahuna!) and the constant events that come at you because you are living your life. I do see the world with rose colored glasses most days....BUT losing my dad so suddenly has really changed me. I wasn't ready. None of my family was. I had a lot more life to share with him. We were in a groove. I was a daughter, a friend and confidant. I loved where we were. I miss where were going.

In honor of you, I write this with sadness and love. I write this with the hope that my kids will one day see me as their friend. It takes time and cultivation. I look forward to it. I welcome it. So for now, I will try to be the best mom I can be. I know that I have my work cut out for me because kids have to live their lives and that comes with the need and desire to f*ck with their parents. I know that my kids are smart and they think I don't know ANYTHING about ANYTHING!!!! I have to learn not to explode, smile and shut my pretty mouth and keep silent because boy did I think my shit didn't stink and my parents shit did. I thought that they knew NOTHING about the angst of my teenage and early 20's. How could they?!? They were so OLD. I don't know how it happened and why it happened, but one day I looked at my dad and I saw his wisdom. I understood his sense of humor. I accepted him...flaws included. We understood each other. It took time, work, forgiveness, love, humor and honesty. We got there and I miss it.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. I was 20 years old and I was not in a great way. I had just took a leave of absence from college (okay I quit), was living at home and feeling like my life was OVER. I didn't know what I wanted to pursue for a career path, I didn't have a boyfriend (he dumped me), and my friends were all over the country going to college, getting married and living what seemed like a happy go lucky life. I felt so alone. My dad was having a work crisis as well. He was at a crossroads. We spent many an hour talking about the choices we had. Me just starting out in the adult world and him wanting to wind down. "If you could be anything in the world...what you you be?" I chose a writer and he chose a philosopher living in a shack at the beach. We both encouraged each other to go for it. He didn't and neither did I. Fear for me and obligations for him. That day was a life changer for me. I took him off the pedestal that I placed him on and he sat right next to me until the day he died.

Moral of the story: We are only as human as we allow ourselves and others to be.

Can you relate? More will be revealed.

Signing off until we meet again. please come back for more.

in Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day One Hundred and Twenty-eight...A Day In The Life Of A Frantic Fashionista

2011-09-15T15:59:00.000-07:00

Hi. I have wanted to write about my experience at the Target Missoni Launch. I needed to decompress first though because it was a once in a lifetime experience. I wish I could say it was a fantastic experience. It was not. It was intense, funny, disappointing and poignant. Are all these emotions possible in a 30 minute period? I am telling you...yes, yes, yes!!

I get a text from my pal at 9:25 am the day before the big Missoni Day.. She is a fellow Fashionista. She asked me if I wanted to join her at the Target Missoni Launch at 8:00 the following morning. Hmmmmmm. Sh*t yes I do!! We text back and forth about which Target to go to since there are a million near us in a 15 minute vicinity. I will admit to you my blogging pals that I couldn't sleep all night because I went on-line and saw the Look Book and was salivating over all the clothes, home accessories, shoes...and the list went on and on. I couldn't wait. I awoke extra early (after barely having any shut eye) and got dressed in a proper" I am going to be a Fashionista getting some cute clothes look"....comfy yet chic.

I arrived at 8:01 to find the doors opened and women rushing in with there shopping carts going at full speed to enter Target. I started to run and then when I reached the door to find a gridlock...I panicked. There will be NOTHING for me to buy....and I was right. It was 8:03. These fellow Fashionista's were grabbing everything in sight. They were stealing things from other carts. They had a "I am going to fu*k you to get what I want look in their eyes". I was scared!! I became calm and called my friend on her cell to tell her...I am outta here....and then the I saw her.... she had picked stuff out for me!! Now that is a nice Fashionista!!!

The staff started bringing out boxes from the back and the Fashionista vultures were diving their heads and hands in the boxes to get anything. They stopped caring about what they wanted...THEY HAD TO GET IT ALL. I retreated and waited. My friend calmly got things and piled them into our cart. We eventually found a quiet spot (way hard to do) and started to try on our finds. Cute..but do I need it all? Nope. I got a few things and we left. We decided to go to another Target to see if we could get more!! I found a super cute floral jacket..in the kids section...it fit..so no what matter what..it was mine. Bought that, took 2 pieces back. And then I realized that my "Fashionista cute I am going to get some cute clothes comfy yet chic outfit" was missing it's long sleeveless vest!!! I went back to the original Target. Not there!! Someone took my vest!! I was stunned. How could a fellow Fashionista do that?!? I ended going to a third Target to return everything but the jacket and two candles (one for a birthday gift). What a morning!!! Namaste!!!

Moral of the story: If you have to be a frantic Fashionista..it just aint worth it.

Why listen to Wolffiie? Because I get it. After leaving my Missoni crazed morning, I had to go to my oncologist to get my blood work done. I had received a call a few days earlier telling me that my oncologist was no longer going to be practicing in the office. I was overwhelmed with sadness. When I went to get my lab work done, I was hoping to find that he was just taking a little time off and maybe going to another practice. I would follow him to Timbuktu if I had too. When I walked into the waiting room, I had felt a sense of doom. He's wasn't ever coming back. I spoke with a few of the nurses and no one had an answer as to why he was leaving. I spoke with a doctor and he assured me that he was healthy. He said I deserved an explanation and it couldn't be from him. Tears were streaming down my face. I couldn't talk because of the lump in my throat. This man was my doctor, my protector and my friend for 11 years. I felt like the rug had been ripped from beneath me and all I wanted was the warmth back. I am blessed to be cancer free for many years. I am blessed to have had this man as my doctor. I am blessed to have been understood in a time when I couldn't make sense of having cancer and then the fear of it possibly coming back. I wish him peace, health and serenity.

So in the end my blogger pals, I have to ask myself...is Missoni the end all be all?!? How quickly can I reply...NOT.

Can you relate? More will be revealed.

Signing off until we meet again. Please come back for more.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Entry One Hundred Twenty-Six.....Do I Choose Fear or Faith?

2011-07-21T08:38:00.000-07:00

Hi. This last week has made me feel so grateful and sad at the same time. I lost an old dear friend to cancer last week. 53 years young and a beautiful woman. She taught me how to be a a business woman at the ripe age of 26. I was 23. She was a role model and friend and I will miss her. I went to another memorial service yesterday for the team mom from Running Studs' Cross Country and Track Teams. A wonderful, caring and upbeat woman who never let her cancer get in the way of supporting her son and all the team. Comendable and awe inspiring. Seeing all the high school kids there to support their friend and pay tribute to their team mom, was both beautiful and sad. Seeing their pain and discomfort made me want to take them all in a big group hug and not let go. Instead I gave them an individual squeeze and I realized later that it was not only for their comfort...I needed it too.

Cancer is a tricky thing. Here I am almost 11 years out...healthy and living a rich full life. I sit there in these services of my contemporaries and I feel so sad and so grateful. Mixed feelings. In the past, I would have to retreat to my bed for a few days to escape the world and live in fear of when will it be my turn. Will the cancer come back for me? I would veg under the guise of catching up on all my Tivo shows..but the reality is that the world seemed too much to exlore. I got caught up in fear and not faith. I got caught up on what could be rather than what is. It was easier and safe to pull the covers over my head, so to speak.

So, this past week, I could have easily retreated to my world of despair. It is comfortable in times of fear....but I chose not to. Instead, I awoke at the early hour of 6:30. Not because I love getting up so early on a summer morning when my kids are sleeping until 11:00. It's the Menopause. It's natures way to let my body have a couple of hours to not ache before I have to start my day. It's my mind starting to race with all I have to do in the day. I really miss sleeping until 11:00. Oh well..it is what it is!!!

Okay...Menopause tangent is over!! Back to fear and faith. I had an epiphany last week at my friends memorial service. She was always out there helping people. She helped so many with her honesty, compassion and her positive energy. In my years as a cancer survivor, I have talked and walked many women through the beginnings of their cancer journeys. One day, I just couldn't do it. I put conditions on when I could help. I always would help a dear friend and if someone was close to a dear friend I would with reluctance, and then I found that I did it less often. I talked myself into the fact that I was wanting to move forward and not wanting to relive my past. True statement.....BUT...I let fear get in the way. I made it about me...not them. I didn't realize this until recently. I am human. I make mistakes. I can be selfish and not know it at the time.

So, in honor of my friends life, in gratitude of my life and in being a women who likes to be of service to others...I am saying F**K the fear...and be apart of life. Help others. Mentor those who are in the grips of fear and show them the way out. Kiss The Hubby with passion daily. Listen to my kids and let them soar. Embrace life. Open my eyes to all that lies in front of me.

Moral of the story: when my feet touch the floor..make my bed..and let the day begin.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. We were in Hawaii this summer and we were going on an excursion from our hotel. It was a snorkel day. I don't love to snorkel, so I was going with the flow and trying to be a trooper. We got to the spot to find out that we had to kayak to the location. I went into panic mode. So as the mature woman that I am...I stomped my feet and said "I am not going". In the end, I went...loved kayaking..and fell in total love with the fishies!!! I chose faith not fear. Yipeeee!!!

Can you relate? More will be revealed.

Signing off until we meet again. Please come back for more.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Entry One Hundred and Twenty-five....How Do You Say Your Name?

2011-05-10T11:44:00.000-07:00

Hi. I was sitting in my Weight Watchers meeting this morning ( stayed the same for two weeks...boo hoo) and a fellow weight watcher was talking about how she wants to lose weight, get back into a bikini and find a man. Well, that statement stirred up major conversation amongst my fellow weight watcher gals!!! Some focused on how you need to like who you are on the inside regardless about how you look on the outside. Others talked about how they want to get into the bikini as well and then life would be fine. I just sat and listened which is a rarity for me!!! The woman who prompted all the dialogue went on to say that her husband had died and she had been depressed and ate ate ate. Now that I can relate too. Well in all honesty I can relate to it all. I want to strut my stuff in Hawaii when we go this summer in a brand spanking new colorful swimsuit. No black to make myself appear thinner...color, color, color. Not sure my body and mouth are on the same page, but I am trying. Then out of nowhere, our leader asked a question that made me smile and cry at the same time......HOW DO YOU SAY YOUR NAME????

My immediate response to myself (remember I was quiet as a mouse today) was HUH?!? What does this bullshi*t mean, how do I say my name? Then it struck me. When I am feeling down about myself, I bow my head and advert any eye contact when I say softly, wolffie. Other times when I am feeling a bit better about life I will look you in the eye with a bit more oomph and say Wolffie. When I am feeling fine and confident and I have a strut in my step I look into your eyes head on and say with bold conviction WOLFFIE. This little exercise really was an AHA moment. Why can't I be a bold and confident WOLFFIE all the time? Why do I let the small stuff get in the way of enjoying each day?Why do I let 20 ponds of padding make me feel like a loser and no one cares about my thoughts? Why do I let outside events consume me at times to the point where I don't even want to say my name? And then it clicked........spirituality. Some might find it in a religion. Some might find it in the mountains. Some might find it at the beach. Some might find it in mediation. For me it is a little bit of all of these things. When I take a little time in the day and my mind is still...I look at life in a calm and balanced way. Then it doesn't really matter that my pants are tight. It doesn't matter that my teenagers bicker. It doesn't matter that the checker is taking a long time at the grocery store. It doesn't matter that my tumor marker is up and the thought of my cancer returning doesn't have to rule me. It all seems to fade into the day and it rolls off my back. The best part of all this is that I can look at you and say with pride and love....MY NAME IS WOLFFIE.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. So Mother's Day was this past Sunday. Before I get into my story, I want to give you a heads up that I had just done a wonderful 2 day road trip with College Studdette and I was tired and had not done meditation so my angle on life was skewed!!! Okay, so Running Stud came into my roon with fresh cut flowers from our garden and they were in a beautiful vase. I took in a deep breathe and thought this is a wonderful way to start the day focusing on me, me, me!!! We went to brunch which was lovely and when the gifts came, my mother did not have a card for me. She had the gift but no card. SHE ALWAYS GIVES ME A CARD. I went into a poor me pitty pot session (in my head) and my mood soured. We went to a restaurant to meet my in laws and the ambiance was not so great. I became cranky (I needed to eat as I did not have too much at the brunch) and really was quite nasty and acting like a spoiled brat. When the pizza came it was AMAZING and my mood lifted enough to enjoy the chatter and laughter with my family. We got home and I retreated to bed where I began to reflect on how I missed my daddy and I wish I could talk to him on Mother's Day. ( he died 4 years ago). My kids and hubby went off to various outings and I was a bit relieved because I got to wallow alone. When they got home I got beautiful cards and a fab necklace and bracelet. On our road trip College Studette found a book and bought it and hid it in her purse. So sweet!!! In the end, I had a great day. I find sometimes that I put so much emphasis on how I don't get to pick what I want to do on Mother's Day rather than the little things that my family does to make me feel a little more special for the day. So, next year I vow to look at the actions rather than the events. I am so blessed to have four kids who want to shower me in their individual ways. When they look me in the eye and say their name...there is a hyphen and a voice filled with love and admiration when they add WOLFFIES CHILD.

Oh yeah...that's what Mother's Day is all about.

Can you relate? More will be revealed.

Signing off until we meet again. Please come back for more.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Entry One Hundred and Twenty-Four.....Move Over Sabotoge I Am Still In One Piece

2011-04-13T11:54:00.000-07:00

Hi. In my last blog entry, I spoke about my struggles with weight. I now am a card holding member of Weight Watchers. Actually, I am considered a Lifetime Member which tells you that you reached a goal and in my case left the goal and am now back to reach a new goal!!! Oy!! This "club" comes with many benefits. I am accountable to show up every week because I pre-paid for my meetings. I also find there are great snacky foods for puchaseand I love their powders for making smoothies. I also am in a room with a bunch of women and men who do what I do. Sabotage. We get to laugh and really make connections as to why we do what we do. Case in point. On one of my jaunts with Weight Watchers, I lost a ton of weight. I looked really hot if I do say so myself!! I had lost baby weight from back to back pregnancies. I can't tell you how many times people came up to me and said......"You look so good. How did you do it?" I shyly responded with a "Thank-you. I cut my portions in half...blah blah blah" I would walk away with my inner voice ranting.."Take your car and go Micky D's for a Quarter Pounder with Cheese, large fries and a Diet Coke....Now" There are a few things wrong with this scenario..............Why the diet coke and not a milkshake? For heavens sake if I am gonna blow my serenity and possibly gain weight..have the milkshake!!! Why would I want to eat this meal after working so hard to lose weight. Sabotage my blog friends is so f'd up!! In the past there was apart of me who just didn't want to succeed. I knew how to put myself down and not feel totally comfortable without chaos and self loathing. It has taken me years of going up and down in weight to really understand that my emotions don't have to rule me. I can be spiritually fit if I wear a bikini or a Mu mu. Honestly, I want to wear a one piece bathing suit because turning 50 has sent my body into a downward mode. Ya know boobs hanging..tummy hanging...BUT my wish is to not have to wear a cover up. Let it all hang low!!! I finally have come to understand that if I work my spiritual practice each day then life takes care of itself. I don't feel the need to eat over anything from losing a loved one or my nail breaking and all that's goes on in between. Am I ever gonna not want to sabotage? I can't say. I do know that when I meditate, am of service to others, that inner voice that calls for Micky D's is not hammering my inner dialogue. So, next time I get a compliment...I am gonna have a big ass smile on my face and just say....."Thanks"...That's it...just ....."Thanks". Oh, I might go down to the local bathing suit store to get a sexy one-piece!!!! Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. This sabotage things comes in many shapes and forms. Lets take my hair. I was growing it from a short do. It took about 1 1/2 years to get long. It was black and I had a 4 inch pony tale. This might seem trivial, but I have NEVER had a four inch pony tale!!! Anyways, I started getting the "Your hair is so long and cute" compliment and I had to talk my inner dialogue down and say..."Don't cut it". And I didn't...UNTIL..I realized that I am a short and sassy blonde hair kind of gal. It makes me skip a beat when I am walking and I feel fresh and perky. To feel fresh and perky at 50 is a gift. I had my hair cut and colored blonde. I love it. I often wonder...do people have inner dialogue and listen or argue with it? Am I crazy? I am thinking just honest. In the case of the hair.... which was the sabotage...the 4 inch pony or the short and sassy? Hmmmmm. Can you relate? More will be revealed Signing off until we meet again. Please come back for more. In Love and Peace, Wolffie

Entry One Hundred and Twenty-Three..What Creeps Up Can Come Down

2011-04-05T11:55:00.000-07:00

Hi. I struggle with weight. I am going to have to date myself now.....do you remember the old Rolaids add? It talked about indiGEStion. It visually showed you how eating certain foods could make your stomach feel bigger and well you know gassy!!! Well that's how I feel about weight. I am in the ihavetoloseTWENTYpounds part of my cycle. My stomach is stretching out and well you know gassy!!! I am in the middle of my yo yo experience of weight loss. It seems to go into3-4 year cycles. I eat eat eat eat myself to a top weight and then I lose lose lose to my bottom weight. After about three years of keeping it off, I start to inch inch inch my way up up up. The good news is that this time I am stopping at 20 not letting myself get WAY up there on the fabulous scale. In my 40 plus years of struggle (not counting birth to 10), I have changed my attitude. My whole day was measured by what the scale said. I would have conversations with the scale...."Oh your doing doing good Wolffie!!!" or "Why is the number bigger. I have been SOOOOOOO GOOOOOOD. Now I will tell you that the scale has never talked back to me but it definitely ruled me. If I was down I would skip off the scale and have a fabu day. If I was up, I would yell at the scale, jump off, call myself a few choice words (Ugly, fat...F'n ugly..you get the picture) and have a terrible day. I let numbers dictate how I was to feel. Absurd? I have now come to the point where I weigh myself only once a week. I don't talk to the scale. I don't name call. I am open to having a good day even though my pants are snug. I have evolved!!! I still want to weigh less. I still miss my tight jeans with my ass looking ever so fine....BUT......I am liking and even loving myself from within...because truth be told...I am a good person on the inside whether I am haute menopausal mama or a little bit chunky menopausal mama. So, as I eat better and lose the weight I am going to look at myself each day with a smile on my face and go out into the world knowing I am who I am and it's all good. Why Listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. I was driving my boys, Running Stud And Soccer Stud 1 to high school this morning and we were chatting about summer. It's getting close and I am so excited. I love summer. This summer especially because none of the Studs are going to summer school and College Studette will be home. We are going on a family vacay which we haven't done in awhile. Anyways, back to our conversation...Running Stud is going to a Altitude Training/Bonding camp with his Cross Country Team. Last year he told me I should go this up coming summer and chaperon. I asked him this morning if he was still cool with me going. I already told the coach I would go so I was a bit nervous about his answer. "I am so cool with you going..it's going to be a blast" (whew). OMG..this was my soon to be Sophomore Kid wanting me to go on a trip with him and his pals!!! I FELT LIKE SINGING. So, I have to think to myself.....it don't matter what I weigh...it matters how my heart sings. Can you relate? More will be revealed. Please come back fore more. Signing off until we meet again. In Love and Peace, Wolffie

Entry One Hundred and Twenty-Two... When I Am Gone

2011-03-23T09:38:00.000-07:00

Hi. I didn't have any idea what I was going to blog about today when i booted up my computer. I wanted to keep my commitment to myself to write at least once a week. When I did turn on my computer, my AOL news said that Elizabeth Taylor had passed away. Wow. What an icon. Not only is she beautiful and talented but a great friend and a humanitarian to boot. Need I say a romantic at heart? We all lived through her romances and enjoyed her movies. She spoke up about HIV/AIDS when few would publicly AND she helped to start AMFAR. Her voice led others to fight the fight and she is a hero in my book. Her legacy will live on in those who thrived because of her commitment to finding a cure for HIV/AIDS. Her beauty will live on in her movies.

When I am gone, will there be something that I will be remembered for? I am not talking about Mother Theresa or Princess Diana realm..but is there something? Just thinking about this makes me want to be a better person. The Hubby and College Studette will remember when I got cancer. That was a day that stopped time. The boys were too young to remember, but they got aftermath of it. They got my menopause mood swings and the fear and triumph of being a survivor. I hope they got that when adversity comes into your life, you can push through and get to the other side with dignity, faith and love.

Will I have brought laughter to those around me. I sure know as hell that my family will remember my impatience and yelling...but will they remember how we laughed? Laughter is the key to getting through anything. Humor can turn your mood around for sure.

Did I show my passion to others? Equality for all, finding a cure for cancer and helping green our planet. Did I show those around me that you can't turn a blind eye and if you want to be safe then you have to help others be safe too?

I feel a bit like I am preaching. I am still here on this planet..so I have work to do. I don't aspire to be the next Elizabeth Taylor..I just want my family and friends to feel like I am around even when I am gone. Is that too much to ask for?

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. On a much lighter note, I was having a iced tea with College Studette and two of her friends yesterday. They are all home for Spring break. I love when they are around. It warms my heart and my estrogen feels like I got a huge boost. They are so happy and free. Anyways, we were talking about texting. This is how they do it:

"I can't hang out with you today because you bug me. Haha"

What's up with the Haha?!? That Haha says to me that it's okay to say a not so nice thing as long as I have a "Haha" it will lesson the blow and seriousness of the not so nice statement.. I don't get it. Do I tell my The Hubby that...

"Our checking account is overdrawn and the bank is threatening to close the account. Haha"? (not a real scenario mind you!). I don't think so!!!!

The girls and I had a huge belly laugh over the Haha. We made up funny scenarios and cracked ourselves up. The reality is that this generation doesn't think like me. They don't have the eye to eye uncomfortable conversations that I had when I was 21. I didn't break up by text message. (they didn't either..but it has been done!) My kids don't know from in your face conflict. They can IM, Text, Email their feelings and not deal with how it immediately affects the person on the other side. I try to explain that it is better to do things in person. I feel like when I am speaking they are TOTALLY tuning me out. Oh well. It's the times ...right? Bummer.

Can you relate? More will be revealed.

Signing off until we meet again. Please come back for more.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Entry One Hundred and Twenty-One..What Was I Talking About?!?

2011-03-16T11:30:00.000-07:00

Hi. There is so much on my mind today..I don't know where to focus. Focus..hmmmm...this is something that I find is hard to do sometimes. Is it ADHD? Is menopausal brain or lack there of? Okay...like I said I have so much that I wanted to talk about BU.... I can't remember whayt I wanted to say!!. IT was going to be profound and funny of course...where did the thought go? This is a problem on many levels. Sometimes, I want to have a heart to heart with one of the kids..and I lose my train of thought. Sometimes, I go into the house because I forgot something and I don't know why I re entered my house. Sometimes, I go to the market for a couple of things and I end up with a basket full of crap that I did not have any intention of buying and forgot what I went into the market for. Does this sound familiar to anyone? Am I alone in this? Do you sometimes feel like you are losing it?

Losing it...now I remember what I wanted to talk about! Losing weight. It is f*ing hard when you are a post menopausal women . I am 50 years old and supposed to be in my prime...but my body doesn't show anything but "oh you have a middle aged..i am so sorry'' body. What's prime about that? Isn't 50 supposed to be the new 30?!? Don't think so...at least in the body department. Now if I were to be completely honest (and you know I will be), I see a lot of hot over 50 mamas gallivanting around town in their tight work out clothes. Do they starve? Do they work out 4 hours a day? What is their secret? I could probably stand to lesson my portions of my healthy food consumption. It's always about those gosh darn portions..at least for me!!! I could probably stand to exercise more than I do but my knee is acting up. As I am writing this "EXCUSES"! keep going round and round in my ever so thick brain. Talking about excuses..I will give you some...."I am tired." "I have no time." "I don't like weights." "What's wrong with a bit of chocolate chips on my non fat frozen yogurt?" I think I want the results without the work. Don't you?!? When I was younger I could go on a Swiss Cheese and Nacho Cheese Doritos diet and lose weight ( I really did this and lost weight...at 19!!!). Now if I look at those foods, I gain weight! I guess the moral of this story is balance. Huh? How does one do that with four kids, , and hubby all the while trying to fulfill my inner child? I have yet to figure this balance thing out BUT I am trying!! I am TOTALLY a work in progress. Progress not perfection...right?!?

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. I went to my PFC meeting today and we had a speaker talk about raising healthy teenagers. My mind hurts a bit. They really have a lot more to deal with than I did when I was a teenager. There were times in the day when I could chill. Now with cell phones and Internet they really don't get a break from being bombarded with tweets, texting and keeping up on Face book. I have fallen into the technology trap myself. I find myself texting them throughout the day under the guise that if I don't text them, I won't remember what I want to talk to them about. This is partially true BUT I could jot a note for myself...but I run the risk of forgetting I wrote the note!! Isn't this really about instant gratification and instant results?!? Sometimes I wish I could pull in the reigns and let them be a bit more free from all the chaos the world throws at us. I do have some limits..like no texting at the dinner table. They can't play video games for hours on end and the computer doesn't come on until after homework is done. My guys do love to be outdoors kicking the soccer ball around. So all of the olden days is not lost. I just want to gain more of those olden days for them..Do you think they could survive living how we lived!!! Hmmmmmmm.

Can you relate? More will be revealed.

Signing off until we meet again. Please come back for more.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

One Hundred and Twenty......And The Rose Goes To...

2011-03-08T09:24:00.000-08:00

Hi. I am finally coming out of having the awful flu. It really kicked my butt. Today I am taking it easy at home and watching on Tivo "The Bachelor: Women Tell All". Reeerrrrrr (that's the sound of a cat about to pounce!!) It's unbelievable to watch. I mean really, did these women truly believe that they were going to find their prince on national television?!? He can only pick one!!! I guess maybe they did. I can't imagine living in a house waiting to see if I was going home or getting "the rose". Its only natural that there would be cat fights and a lot of backstabbing. The clever footage show us all this. It takes guts to let the world see you make out in front of cameras all the while trying to have an intimate single or quadruple date. I don't think I could do it...BUT..I love watching this show for the pure entertainment value it brings me and my family. It opens up dialogue and brings much laughter in our home. Yes I love to yell at the TV pointing out the flaws and manipulation the girls are doing. My boys get a kick out of my passion. My weekly chats with my daughter.."Could you believe so and so"? or "I can't believe that so and so is still here. We all felt like we had the right to voice our opinions on who we thought was "the one" for Bachelor Brad!! Are we insane?!?

I love seeing all the beautiful places the show brings them to. I secretly want to be a fly on the wall getting a beautiful tan (sunscreen of course), eating delicious food and don't get me started on the clothes and bodies!! I want to have those clothes and I want those 20 something bodies!!! Who wouldn't? BUT..... finding love on national television with millions of people watching? It seems manufactured and that's not how to find love....at least not lasting love..Okay some of you might talk about Ryan and Trish...that's a rarity. They are soooo cute!!

What has our world come to? Do y0u think the next generation of failing in lovers will know that this is not reality for most of us? Do you think that they think that Jersey Shore and the Bachelor,and Bachelorette and all the tons of reality shows are the real deal? Do you think they will learn that intimacy is for all to see..in public. Do you think that they might realize that this is entertainment not how one falls in love? OMG...that's all I can say...OMG.

Why listen to Woffie? Because I get it. I have fallen in love twice in my life. Once when I was 19 and the other time when I was 26. The first time I was young and I fell hard and fast. It was a whirlwind of a relationship and as hard as I fell, I fell even harder in sadness when it was over. It took me years to get over him and I am not sure why. Fantasy on what it was maybe.

When I was 26, I met my soul mate. We dated. Took it slowly. I really liked who he was as a person. His passion for life and love really made me feel good when I was around him. After 4 months of dating..he got scared and broke up with me. I was a mess but I knew at that moment that this was the man I was going to marry. He asked me (smart guy) several months after we got back together to marry him and I said yes. Here we are 22 years married, four beautiful children and we have built a wonderful life together. He still makes me laugh and I still like who he is as a person.

I can't imagine sharing our journey through the lens of a camera for all the world to witness. There are some things that should be shared only by us and those we hold dear to our hearts...besides I don't want anyone yelling at the TV telling The Hubby to not give me a rose because I f'd up on the laundry or my chicken was dry. I would have been a goner along time ago!!

Can you relate? More will be revealed.

Please come back for more. Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Entry One Hundred and Nineteen...Thanks to Julia and Julia

2011-03-03T14:59:00.000-08:00

Hi. I have been home sick all week with the flu. High fever, aches and acough. Needless to say, I had to cancel my weekly writing of our blogs date with my pal. Who could think past the fogginess in my head? I must be getting on the mend because i am a bit bored and started to think about washing my greasy hair. I am caught up on all my Tivo shows...so I started flipping channels...and there it was...Julie and Julia. I LOVE this movie. This movie inspired me to start my blog. I set out to write everyday for 365 days and unfortunately life got in the way. And I thought I failed myself. But did I? I know that I have learned so much from writing this blog. I have found a voice inside my menopausal exterior. I have found that through humor I can get through anything and honoring my sadness is OK..As I watched Julie and Julia....I knew I had to blog today. I don't have much wit in my brain. I really want to sleep. Next week will I am sure the fog will be gone and I will be able to put a tale together. As I have said many times before; this is not about perfection. I am going to take my imperfect body, make a cup of tea and convalesce.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. Funny story...hmmmm....funny story..hmmmm. In homage to the infamous Julia Child, I must share with you about how my kids feel about my cooking. I think they are bored with my cooking. I used to be a great cook. I had time and my kids were not as involved in life as they are now. Most nights we don't eat until 8;30. Who wants to eat a heavy scrumptious meal at that time? Not me. As it is I have put on some poundage since our late night suppers. And this is with eating so so meals. It's all about quick and easy. Did I share that I have a pescatarian in the mix? The Hubby is working on getting his cholesterol down, so now he is not eating meat or poultry. I support him in this, but it makes it hard to cook. I don't want to live on pasta as it seems that the pasta goes straight to my thighs and buttock. I am veering away from my story. We were having a nice evening and the subject of parents cooking came up. Soccer Stud One was raving about his friend's parents cooking. I mean on and on and my sphinxter was getting tight...and then the words came out...hold onto your seats...."Your an Ok cook" My jaw dropped.... "A what"? Did I mention that he had a few friends over?!? Truth be told...he is right. It just stung a bit to hear those words out loud. I have become a boring cook. I have lost my passion. Julia Child I am not. And guess what? I am not changing right now. We are in a phase of sports and schelping and I have to be OK with that. I have to admit something..half the time The Hubby comes home and says "What's for dinner" ?"I dont know..you tell me?" That's the one part that's going to have to change. So tonight it's baked potatoes and steamed veggies. Yum.

Can you relate? More will be revealed.

Signing off until we meet again. Please come back for more.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Entry One Hundred and Eighteen...The Eye of Hurricane Monster

2011-02-22T11:28:00.000-08:00

Hi. I was in a life coaching session today and the truth came out about Hurricane Monster. It has been looming over me since I don't know how long....Ummmm maybe since the dark ages. Anyways, I have this radio station that plays in my head that I warmly refer to as K F**K. I don't know if your brain is dialed into the same station. It's the one that only plays songs that tells you that you are no good..you can't reach your dreams....so just stop. I don't know who the artists are who recorded such songs but I don't like listening to K F**K. It seems to be permanently set there though. So, today in my session, Coach Lori challenged me or shall I say, we challenged me. I am afraid to succeed in something that I feel so passionately about...and that is writing. I LOVE to write. It makes me feel complete. I feel like I am honoring my soul. It lets me relate to others. It is awesome. SO WHY DO I KEEP MYSELF FROM DOING IT???!!!???. This is the million $$$$$ question. Fear of being happy. Fear of success. Fear of failure. Fear that people won't relate. FEAR FEAR FEAR. As you can surmise, I am not the kind of gal who just closes her eyes and dives in. Not in my make-up..until today. I have decided to turn the dial away from K F**K and listen to a new station...K PROMISE. This new radio station plays soothing songs; songs that tell me that you can enjoy the process and songs that spark feelings of triumph not defeat. The road is wide and I can go for it. Better songs, don't you think?!? I feel a sense of calm. I am inching towards living in the land of grey rather than in the land of all or nothing. Everything is possible when I am in the land of grey. I actually can start moving in a direction that enjoys the journey. Completion feels promising. Bye- Bye.. K F**K. Hello K PROMISE . Did I mention that I am jumping into my life without a life vest? HOORAH!!!

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. This weekend before I chose to shut off K F**K off and listen to K Promise, I must admit that I was a not so nice Wifey-Poo and Momola to The Hubby, College Studettee, Running Stud, Soccer Stud 1 and and Soccer Stud 2. This was an ordinary weekend of shelping, smelling and hearing the boys fart on cue, College Studeete reporting about her adventures in Boulder and The Hubby was complaining about a new ache on his 53 year old body. I wanted to jump out of my skin. I was short with all of them. I wasn't interested. I wanted to be left alone. So I did the '"lets change locations so I can escape plan". I went to the mall and surrounded myself with strangers that I could give a rats ass about AND I bought make-up. I wanted a "pick me up you look 50 and fresh look". I accomplished the task!! I felt like going home. I had a skip in my step when I entered my home. Nothing changed. Boys still farting. The Hubby still had the aches. My daughter called with a new story. My reactions changed. I had interest. These are my peeps.

Moral of the story: Sometimes I have to get away to see what specialness I have right in front of me.

Can you relate? More will be revealed.

Signing off until we meet again. Please come back for more.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Entry One Hundred and Seventeen.....Stand Up

2011-02-10T13:52:00.000-08:00

I went to a Story Telling Salon evening last night with a friend. The premise is to tell a personal story in front of an audience. Sounds easy. I am a writer, a good story teller amongst my friends and I am outgoing. Seems like good traits for getting up there..right?!? I watched 9 people get up and tell their stories; ranging from retirement to partying in the 70's. I laughed and I cried. I left there thinking ...could I do this? On my way home I started telling a story out loud..to myself...it was hard. I mumbled and I fumbled. Why so hard? Well for me I think it because when I put pen to paper or fingers to the keyboard..my words flow (most of the time). I don't think about what I am trying to say. A bit organic. I had to recall quickly the details I wanted to say and I bored myself !! It's hard. I had a new found respect for those chaps who got up and told what seemed to effortless stories. I think I am gonna try getting up and telling a story. I will have to write it down and read it for my first time. It doesn't seem as exposing as looking out into the audience. I won't see their reactions to a life event that I had and want to share for humor and maybe a little bit of relate ability. In the end, I just want to feel connected. Is that so wrong?

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. I am gazing at my vision board for 2011 and I must admit it is a far cry from my 2010 one. All that was on my mind was turning 50 and how I wanted to enter into my new decade. 2010 was all about health, being a sexy ,mama and achieving some spiritual growth. Did I achieve any of that? Well....i f'd up my knee in January of 2010...so I put on some pounds...okay 15 of them. I have to say I didn't feel like a sexy Mama. My friend passed and I lost a bit of my wanting to grow spiritually...I chose to be in bed and wallow in my sadness. By December of 2010..December 23 to be exact...I had a light bulb going off in my head moment and it was this simple.....Snap out of it!!! I turned 50 on December 24. I was feeling pleased to have racked up another year of being cancer free (10 years to be exact), I had "the hubby" who loves me, I had four great kids who love me (except when they don't !) and a circle of friends who are just the best. I am blessed.

So Gandhi I am not. Rachel Welsh I am not. Twiggy I am not....BUT so far in this 2011 year....I am feeling better on the inside so I can be better to the outside world. I am open to wherever my path takes me without trying to micro manage my spiritual path, and I am feeling the creative juices again. Feeling fine.

Moral of the story: If I get out of my own way and just live in the moment...I am right where I am supposed to be.

Can you relate? More will be revealed.

Signing off until we meet again. Please come back for more.

In Love and Peace

Wolffie

Day One Hundred and Sixteen...Do I Have To Know Everything?

2011-02-01T11:39:00.000-08:00

Hi. Wow I can't believe it has been over two months since my last post! Let me tell you why this happened. I have been in a mental standstill. No creative juices flowing...actually not many thoughts flowing I was into eating my blues away. Can anybody relate? If I am to be entirely honest with my blog pals...I like to run from my feelings. It doesn't really matter if they are good feelings or bad feelings..I just like to run. Shall I give you an example? Okay...you don't have to twist my arm!! Here goes. Let's start with my blogging. I was so gung-ho in the beginning to blog every day. If Julia could cook and write her experiences every day for a year than why couldn't I?!? So, I started and my daily blog writing lasted awhile. Then...a feeling hit. It was a true sad feeling. My friend was dying..I couldn't take it..so rather than use the blog as a tool to push through...I stopped writing. I didn't feel funny..I had to be funny in order for people to like reading my rants. But is this really true? I didn't do a survey and ask. I just stopped; and really Wolffie, are you really all knowing? Can you see into people's hearts and minds? NOPE. So that emotional block added pounds of I can't believe I stopped writing, failed again AND gained 10 pounds.

Another case in point, my kids. I truly love them..all four of them. I just don't know how to make Running Stud, Soccer Stud One and Soccer Stud Two (College Studette is away at school) to hear me and respect me. Is this so wrong to ask of the kids that I carried around for nine months, fed them from my nipples, changes way too many stinky diapers, took them to mommy and me, shelped them for all their various sporting activities, shelped them to their religious studies and I am sure am forgetting something!! Don't get me wrong, I LOVED DOING ALL THIS FOR MY BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN.....BUT, they are teenagers and they don't appreciate me anymore. WAHHHHHHH WAHHHHHHHH WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH. Who am I kidding? Me. I must confess that this part of my life put another 8 pounds on my growing girth! What planet am I on to think that teenagers even care about anyone but themselves..for the most part that is. Aren't they right where they are supposed to be? Planet Wolffie must go away. I say these words to my kids all the time (and it makes them crazy!), "Can you please step out of your world and into ours"!!!???!!! Shouldn't I take this oh so clever advice?!? YEP. So, I am breathing a lot. Tuning out a lot and focusing on their positive stuff and not the ones that annoy me to no end.Guess what? It's working. There is laughter in the house. We are getting along so much better...and I lost three pounds!!! Oh yeah baby!!!

Why listen to Wolfie? Because I get it. Once upon a time there was a girl maned Wolffie, a lovely girl, who had to know and plan her path. Oh it was hard for Wolffie. Oh so very hard; Because..life gives you road blocks and Wolffie wanted to plot out the beginning, middle and end of each experience. Very tiring. Situations would come into her path..and she would stop the experience and then think of herself as a failure. What was poor Wolffie to do? She knew she wasn't living the life she dreamed...but she couldn't stop planning. Then one day..a light bulb went off...I do not have to do this alone. I can step on a spiritual path and relieve myself of stopping when obstacles and pressures to be perfect get in the way. What a great idea Wolffie thought. Wofflie implemented this by mediating most mornings and writing her thoughts on paper. She gave her controlling and annoying need to be all knowing away and her life has been much better. There is no happy ending to this once upon a time story because.... life is still in session.

Moral of the story: Enjoy where you are because looking back or looking forward takes you away from where your feet are planted.

Can you relate? More will be revealed.
Please come back for more. Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day One Hundred and Fifteen...Yep....It's Coming

2010-10-14T19:17:00.000-07:00

Hi. I went to the mail yesterday trying to hijack the bills when I saw it.....my AARP membership invitation. I thought to myself, " It's coming...your getting to be apart of the 50 and older club". I really didn't feel to bad about the little envelope with my fate of crossing over to my next phase in life...over de hill!!! I have been waitng for it. I heard that the AARP magazine has great articles and the membership is only $16.00 for a year. Super de duper cheap and you get so much. I get discounts on travel, car rental, prescriptions, health services AND they are fighting for my rights!! Not bad for 16 bucks. The Hubby (who is almost 53) did not join when he had the opportunity. He thought it was stupid. I think of it as a right of passage. This is probably one of the best benefits of crossing over to the older side of life. I filled out my info, wrote a check and popped it in the mail. In a few weeks time i will get my AARP kit AND I get a AARP travel bag. I have arrived!!!

Just to fill you in on my week..I am mentally and physically doing so much better. I ran twice this week with no knee pain. I ate really healthy. I was so charged up that I swore to myself that I lost at least 2-3 pounds. So with much excitement, I jumped on the scale. Was it going to be my friend or foe? Well if you looked only at the number, it was a for sure a foe, as the number did not budge....BUT I felt good because my weight did not go up? HIP HIP HOORAY!!!! So, friend it is. I believe half the battle of weight loss is mental. If this were to have happened last week, I would have sworn at the scale, jumped off and eaten whatever I wanted. Today, I just wanted to continue on this path of healthy eating and exercise. The weight will come off and if not this week then it will next week. Oh, the joys of being in the here and now really pay off. So, tomorrow I will get up and go for a early morning run before I am off to my life coach. (who is so fab BTW). I gotta work on the inside so I can have the desire to work on the outside.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. When I went for my run yesterday, I rocked it hard. I did under a ten minute mile for both of my two miles. This is HUGE because I had the stamina to do it AND my knee didn't hurt. So, I run the lake a lot and have been doing so for years. My girlfriend and I walked the lake the other day (sandwiched in between my two runs) and she pointed out this tree which had a huge set of eyes and nose on the trunk. No mouth. No ears. Hear no evil and speak no evil..right!!! What this tree sees everyday as people pass by on their walks and runs must be very interesting. It observes us and takes in all the colorful conversations and the smells of the seasons. It keeps our secrets and watches our progresses. When she was telling me about the tree before I saw it I blurted out, "I could never notice that tree because I only look straight ahead and pray to my running g-d to please let me just finish the run". We laughed. I am so concerned with finishing my run that I overlook the beauty of where I am running. I overlook the smells of the seasons. On my run tomorrow I am going to nod to that tree as it watches me pass buy and thank him for the gift of being in the present, not yearning to be at the finish line.

Moral of the story: Be where your feet are not where your mind can take you.

Can you relate? More will be revealed.

Please come back for more. Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day One Hundred and Fourteen...The Joys Of Getting Older

2010-10-10T23:51:00.000-07:00

Hi. My heart feels like it going to explode out of my chest. The clock is about to turn 12:00 am and I can't sleep. Pray tell, what going on? What's not going on? I have so much on my mind. Where do I start? Serious or humor?!? Hmmmm. Lets start with humor and see where it takes me.

My body is moving down. Gravity is not holding up my boobs. Well if I am honest...only one is drooping. Thanks to breast cancer, I have one perky radiated boob!!! Now, I had my mammogram last week and all was good. On November 23, I will be officially 10 years cancer free. Yippee!!! You would think I would be happy and don't get me wrong, I am ELATED...but I have feelings. My head is spinning. I think about my friends who lost the fight and I can't help but feel..guilt. I really need Cher right now. I need her to be her character in Moonstruck. I need a slap in the face and her telling me to "Snap outta of it"! Where is she?!?

Now back to my gravity issues. Along with my not so perky boob..I have the I am almost turning fifty in December body. And this is not the most uplifting thing. My love handles have turned into i am five months prego but is impossible stomach. Thanks to menopause,that is. All I can ask myself is.....WHY? OK, so maybe my portions have gotten a bit LARGE. Maybe since my knee injury, my exercise is almost nil. I just don't think it is fair that with age comes...plump. Why can't I eat like I did when I was younger and not gain weight? Why does gravity have to play a role in my life? Why? Why? Why am I whining? Answer? Because I want to!!! . I just feel so overwhelmed that all I want to do is...NOTHING.

Is there anybody out there in blog land who understands me? I feel so lost. I feel foreign to myself. I certainly don't feel funny. I don't feel sexy. I don't feel anything but....YUCKY.

The first step in anything is admitting. So, I hereby declare that I am feeling like a worn out, used up, middle aged momma. There. I said it. Now, I have to own it and change it. I do know that life begins at fifty. That's what they say in all the magazines and talk shows. Fifty is the new thirty. Huh? Really? When I was thirty I had perky boobs..a flat tummy...and I slept. I didn't have hot flashes. I didn't have cancer (I don't now..just the emotional aftermath of it)..I was care free. So, how is it that I can feel thirty again?

Okay...whining time is over. I have to shake this off and move on. I am going to get up tomorrow and buy a push up bra. I am going to get new thong undies that are cute and make me appear and hopefully feel sexy. I am going to eat healthy. I am meeting my running pal at 8:30. I am starting to run again after my injury in January. I am going to honor my tummy. I am going to honor my feeling lost and I am going to find my way back....to me.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. In the craziness of my gloom, I have felt light and sunshine and laughter. I have to thank the hubby and our kids for that. So, we have a new show that we watch together. It's called "The Middle". What I love most about it is the dysfunction!! It shows the flaws that families have. It pokes fun at family life with humor and I feel like I am NORMAL!!! Now that in itself makes me give the show an A+. My teenage studs, all three of them, gather on our bed and we watch this show and laugh our heads off. I make them rewind parts of each episode so I can laugh my head off. I feel so free. One could think..."How rude Wolffie. You are laughing at dysfunction" If truth be told..I am laughing about me. Cause when one laugh at others, aren't we really laughing at ourselves?

Can you relate? More will be revealed.

Signing off until we meet again. Please come back for more.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day One Hundred and Thirteen...All I Want Is A Good Night's Sleep!!!!!!!

2010-08-08T06:21:00.000-07:00

Hi. It's 6:20 am on Sunday. The house is quiet.. The Hubby and The Kinder are sleeping peacefully. It's rather nice to have no rumblings occurring..and yet I cant help but wonder, why in the hell am I up when I don't have to be?!? Lets be honest. I have no control over my sleep patterns lately. I wake up several times in the night to pee. I have heard from The Offices of Them and They that if you don't drink any liquids after a certain time you won't have to pee. Well, I have tried that theory and it doesn't apply!! No matter what, the toilet G-ds are beckoning me at 2:30 am. Sometimes I can saunter into the bathroom, do my pee and get back into bed and go back to sleep quickly. This did not happen this morning. I sauntered in for my way to early in the morning pee and climbed back into bed when it happened.. PING...my eyes were wide open and my mind starting racing a mile a minute. The ever so annoying list started rattling off stuff in my head like a firring squad: YOU HAVE TO.....register the twins for high school, make sure Running Stud packed EmergenC in his bag for altitude training camp, make sure Soccer Stud 2 studies for his Bar Mitzvah training, try to figure out how to get everyone where they need to be while The Hubby is going off to a seminar, think about how I can lose weight, think about when I can exercise, start to get sad because College Studette is leaving for college in a day and how I am going to miss her, think about when I can help her pack in between the 2 soccer games I have to go to today, think about how I can get The Hubby to be on board for the interior paint job for our house, think about all the things I have to do for the PFC, think about getting to the Val Surf sale for back to school shopping for my Studs, think about when I am going to write my blog and finish my play and think about how I can shut off my ever so busy head so I can get back to sleep. The head didn't shut off. I am up and nothing got solved and I am ANNOYED with my head. At least I am blogging!!! Check one thing off the list!!! WoooHoo!!

What's causing my sleepless nights in Wolffieland? Is it menopause? Is it Crazy Mom who doesn't have time to breathe in the day so she has to think at 2:20 in the morning? Is this repairable? Cuz I am tired. I kinda know the answer..SLOW DOWN. Write lists before bedtime. Fit in exercise. Eat dinner earlier. Chill and live in the moment. AHHHH. Just saying that makes me feel better. Chill and live in the moment. Now this is something that The Offices of Them and They has to pass along. BTW...does anyone know who runs The Offices of Them and They?

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. Honestly, today I don't have a story to tell. Wolffie is tired. Wolffie is feeling a bit out of sorts. Wolffie does not feel funny and relate able today. Wolffie is gonna sign off and drink a Cup O Joe that The Hubby is getting right now. Wolffie is gonna chill so she ca be patient with her family, not over eat and have a peaceful day in the eye of the storm day that lies ahead of her!!!

Can you relate? More will be revealed.

Signing off until we meet again. Please come back for more.

in Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day One Hundred and Eleven....All Grown Up

2010-07-21T16:48:00.001-07:00

Hi. Today was a day that will go down in my record book as...IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING?!?

It was a business as usual summer day. Soccer Stud 1 and Running Stud had summer school. I dropped them off at 6:30, went for a 2 mile stroll around the lake, got a mani and pedi, came home to Running Stud 2 and a friend playing that g-d awful Call Of Duty and then it was time for my new job to begin. I have a Taxi service called, "will you schelp me here and there and everywhere all afternoon and all night long?" It's a great service fro those who hop in my car..it's free for them. It's $3.04 a gallon for me. I am losing money big time BUT like a taxi driver, I hear it all. Today was especially interesting.....

The subjects were about hot girls, soccer, hot girls, drugs, hot girls, test scores, hot girls, me being an airhead and getting lost, hot girls, drugs. OMG...these are my boys and their friends!! How did this happen? They are all grown up!!!! Here I was driving and listening to them talk about girls, who was doing drugs and I was clutching the steering wheel so tight that my knuckles were white. I was dying on the inside but very calm and collected on the outside. I have to have a poker face. I even laughed because some of it was funny...weird but funny. They were asking questions about mushrooms (not the ones you put in a salad!!), LSD, cocaine and there was sexual innuendos. Can I say this again....OMG, HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? When did they grow up? I still feel like a kid, so how can we be here? I answered their questions with frankness, I mean if they are asking I shouldn't lie...right? The good news is that they were disgusted about the drugs...YEAH!!! They think it is stupid to trip on schrooms and acid. Thank G-d because they are 14. They said they know kids who have done all this stuff. Can I say it again....OMG. My boys are all grown up.. or at least they think they are. It seems like yesterday when I was changing billions of diapers and they were farting and burping. I rolled my eyes over that!! They still burp and fart, but now we are in a new hemisphere and I am not ready!! Tough shit Wolffie....the time has come and Wolffie has to deal. I did and I will continue to deal..but OMG!!!

The ride has started. My seat belt is strapped on and I have to be prepared for the roller coaster ride of high school. I made it through College Studette, so I know I will get through the twins and right behind them is Soccer Stud 2. All I can say is, thank g-d they talk to me and talk so candidly in front of me. Thank g-d for hair dye. I feel like I just inherited a new batch of grey!!!

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. The other night I was out to lunch with The Hubby and my three boys. College Studette was out with her boyfriend. Usually I am the: uptight, please behave always trying to keep the guys in tow mom. For some reason this lunch didn't go that way. When I stop trying to be teacher and listen to my guys banter (The Hubby included), they are really funny. Running Stud always has a funny story to tell. "Got a fun fact for you. You know that I have an awesome six pack...right? So, at school the other day I pulled down my shorts way low and lifted up my shirt so someone would notice and comment on my awesomeness. I waited and waited. NOTHING." With a glimmer in his eyes and bowing his head down low he says: "Their loss." To say that we all cracked up would be an understatement. I couldn't stop laughing..all of us were practically peeing in our pants. It felt great to feel so free. It felt great to not scold. It felt great to be apart of. It felt great to have my boy feel confident. It was a day in the life of my family that I was glad to be apart of.

Can you relate? More will be revealed.

Signing off until we meet again. Please come back for more.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day One Hundred and Ten...What Will They Think Of Me When I Am Gone?

2010-07-15T17:27:00.000-07:00

Hi. A dear friend of ours past away two years ago. He was a great guy. The life of the party. His huge grin and loud voice permeated the room. You could not help but listen to his stories. He always had a sparkle in his eyes and his laugh was infectious. He chose a beautiful spot to be buried. The grass is green and manicured and there is a marble bench that you can sit on and reflect. I know this might sound grim and morbid but, we go there each year to honor Stu's life and reminisce. The cemetary is surrounded by mountains and you can hear birds churping..a lovely change from surburban Los Angeles vibe. This year we all brought (about 30 plus people) our own picnic lunch and blankets and we sat around and talked and laughed and told Stu stories. I loved it. Stu would have loved it. He liked nothing better than hanging with family, friends and schooming. My friend Julie got up and spoke a few words about her loss and how she has bugun to grow and change since her Stu is gone. I don't remember all of it but one tidbit stuck with me. I can't seem to shake it from my psyche: " It's not what you say..its not what you always do...it's how you make people feel."

Hmmmmmm. That resognated with me big time. I don't always like my sharp tongue. It can be hurtful. I need to remind myself daily to try to be kind. Sometimes I am and sometimes I am not. Usually my family gets the brunt of my moods. Why do we hurt the ones we love and cherish the most? Is it safe? Yes. It it right? No.

I want to leave this earth with knowing that I was the best Wolffie that I could have been. Talking about it is useless....living those words means more. How do I make people feel? How did I make people feel? What I do know is that I have the ability to look at myself and take stalk of my assets and flaws and try to change what I need to. It's not always easy...but it is rewarding. So ....now that I have heard these words and put them in my heart..I have to deal. I have to be kinder and softer to my ever so annoying and self centered teenage boys. (and The Hubby and daughter too!!) The boys are right where they are supposed to be. I have to buck up and be the mature mommy (and wifey). I have to bite my lip, take many deep breaths and try to ignore the looks and the tone that they give me. The little girl in me is screaming, "Do I have to? Why can't they appreciate ME!?!" Deep down in their hearts I know they do. Sometimes I do get the look of love, the quick hug and even a I love you. That's what my focus should be. Right?!?

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. I used to HATE when my mom started a sentence with: "How many times do I have to ask you to.....(fill in your own blank). It really ANNOYED me to no end. I would tune her out at how many!!! Fast forward to my life as a mom of four. This statement comes out of my mouth at least 100 times a day. I might be exaggeratng a bit, but it feels like that's all I ever say. "How many times do I have to tell you to: put away your dishes, pick your clothes up from the floor and put them in the hamper, don't turn on the stupid Call of Duty( this game makes my ass tight!!!) until your homework is done, do the dishes...I could go on but I am exhausted thinking about it. I have turned into my naggin mom!! Don't get me wrong...I LOVE MY MOM. She is my best friend. I just didn't love that drill sergeant part of her. What I didn't understand then that I do now is...she wanted help. Who doesn't? I know for me...I need a bit of order. If it were up to my kids our house would be a complete mess. Piles of crap everywhere, not a bed made, not a article of clothing washed and they would be on the computer or playing video games for hours on end. Oh that world gives me the heebie jebbies. So..I have to be it.... a nagger. The only saving grace is that I am not alone. My friends share their plights, and I have even heard them say the dreaded how many times do I....many a time. In a sick way, I feel relief. Is that so wrong?!?!?!

Can you relate? More will be revealed.

Signing off until we meet again. Please come back for more.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day One Hundred and Nine...To Be Zen And Not So Zen

2010-07-07T15:46:00.000-07:00

Hi. The day started with my new ritual: up at 5:30(ouch) to do my reading, writing and meditation. I woke the twins up at 6:00 for summer school, dropped them off and was at the gym to ride the stationary bike and to do laps in the pool. I came home, took a shower and went to a 12 step meeting. Afterwards, I had breakfast with a few girlfriends and went to my favorite gift shop to buy a birthday present for a friend. Sounds Zen doesn't it? I was on my way home to hang out with Soccer Stud 2 who just got home from sleepover camp yesterday. I felt so calm when all of a sudden I felt this weird pull in my ever so fab Ford Flex. It was kind of scary. I glanced at the odometer....0 miles to empty. OH SH*T. No biggie I thought to myself...been here...done that...I will coast to the gas station. WRONG. I pulled over to the side of the road and called my friend who owns the gift shop. The machine went to voicemail. I called again. Voice mail. I called my daughter and woke her up at the ripe hour of 11:00 am. She was going to come to the rescue.

As I awaited for my College Studette to come, I was totally relaxed. I couldn't change the situation..right? I began to ponder about why I wait to get gas until I am bone dry. I like the rush of , will I make it? I always do and I get this feeling of dimwit accomplishment that yet again I beat the odds of zero fumes until I make it to the pump. I always marvel at how my tank only is supposed to hold 17 gallons and I managed to get more in the tank. Whoo Hoo Wolffie, you rock!!! I have to tell you that this time it wasn't my fault..and I mean this with all the sincerity I can muster up. I got my oil changed a couple of weeks ago and the oil guy asked about some button that he has to press to let the car know that the oil is at 100%. HUH? A button? I had no clue...so off I went into driving land. The other day the car was ringing and telling me I was at 3% oil, 1% oil and then at 0 % oil. I knew that this was wrong, so I ignored it. Wouldn't you have? It wasn't showing me that my gas tank was on empty! Heavy , heavy sigh.

My Night in shining Armorette came driving in her Xbox with the gas can in hand!!! Now the last time I actually ran of of gas was when I was 16. My dad was ever so pissed. It was pouring and cold. I was near a 76 station and all I had was the Arco credit card. I was plum out of cash so I had to make the call. No debit cards back then in the dark ages. The gas can was metal and had a long spout that was easy to pour in the tank. Now it is plastic and the spout is weird and hard to maneuver. It took my girl and me about 20 minutes to figure out how to uncap it. I poured gasoline all over me. My Zen state was gone. I was cursing at the tank and cursing at the gas can. I was getting a wee bit unnerved with my Armorette, but I had to stop myself because she was there to help and save me!!!We finally figured out how to get it to work. Most of the gas was on the sidewalk or my hands. I drove to the gas station, filled up the tank and I only poured in maybe a half gallon of gas (my girl bought 2 gallons!!). Did I mention that I had to pee the whole time?!? We got home from my less than Zen debacle, I peed and all was Zen again.

What did this experience teach me? I will NEVER let it get to 0 miles to empty again!!!! Well, maybe I can let it get to 5 miles to go. Not sure that I want to let go of the rush just yet!!!

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. I don't think that I am ever going to get the Mom of the Year award...but I do think that I am a great mom. Do I have shortcomings? Maybe a few :) (hundred!!!). So I mentioned earlier that Soccer Stud 2 was at sleepover camp. The day before he left I went to Target to get the toiletries he needed along with snacks, a fan and a spanking new soccer ball. We laid out his clothes. packed and I put the sleeping bag by his suitcase. In the morning the hubby put the stuff in the car and off we went. The camp was about an hour away. We got there and stood in the long line to register him in. I had this strange feeling and voiced it to The Hubby: "Did you bring the sleeping bag?" The Hubby's look said it all....a blank stare.... Sleeping Bag? I
f 'd up. Oh yes he did!!!! I couldn't believe it. "You didn't pack the sleeping bag?!?!?!" I could feel the glare from the oh so perfect moms who brought their kids sleeping bags who were in line behind us. I whispered to them in a oh so mortified whisper, "Welcome to my world." I didn't really mean it. The Hubby is awesome. Was it really HIS fault? No, it was just an oversight. I mean, I didn't do the checking to see if everything made it out to the car. I just couldn't and didn't want to share in the, 'i can't believe this happened' blunder. I let him take the fall in front of those moms. Who were they really? I will never see them again. I just didn't want to look bad in their eyes. Soccer Stud 2 slept with a towel that night (he did have a fitted sheet). I felt AWFUL. I was going to run him down one the next day but I called the dorm mom and she got him a blanket. So he was warm and safe and all was well again. Oh did I mention that The Hubby didn't take the suitcase out of Soccer Stud 2's bedroom? Soccer Stud did...see he forgot the sleeping bag...not us!!!!

Moral of the story: Make a list, check it twice and look in the damn car before you take off.

Can you relate? More will be revealed.

Signing off until we meet again. Please come back for more.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day One Hundred and Eight..I Gotta Just Be

2010-06-30T11:18:00.000-07:00

Hi. I am in a dilemma of the way superficial kind. I have been wanting to grow my hair out (again). There's something about long hair in women that I find sexy. Don't get me wrong...I love short hair. I feel funky. If I do say so myself, it is flattering to my facial structure...BUT.... I am approaching my big 50 in a few months and I am feeling the need to feel youthful and sexy. Who for?!? I mean if I am to be honest, I wear torn T-shirts and flannel Jammie's to bed. Not too sexy. The hubby doesn't chide me with my ever so not sexy look. I think I just want to look youthful. Lord knows I don't feel youthful. I didn't have bladder issues when I was in my 20's. I didn't have lines along my lips so my lipstick bleeds in my 30's. I didn't have saggy boobs in my 40's. Well, that's not entirely true, I had radiation in one breast after my cancer..so one is plump and one is falling down!!! The point I am trying to make here is, I have no control of getting older. I know that I have to pee a lot more. No biggie. I can put all the moisturizer I want on my lips and the lines don't fade and the bleeding occurs. I have masked it though cuz I wear stains now!! As far as my boobies are concerned.....I've got fab bras!!!!

I don't mind getting older in life experience, but I just want to LOOK YOUTHFUL. I surely don't want to go back in time and relive my youth. I do like where I am, who I've become and where I am headed. I guess the moral of this babbling story is ...Just Be.

So, I am going to cancel my hair appointment.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. I have been getting up every morning at 5:30 to read, write and meditate. Oh how calming and sane this all sounds. Right? I end my mediation and prayer with asking for patience with my kids..blah blah blah. Yesterday, we were a bit late getting out the door for summer school.. It's hard to get to 2 14 year old teenage studs out the door and that way too early hour. We managed to get to the shuttle just in the nick of time when Running Stud reports he doesn't have his bus pass. Was I calm? Did I take a deep breath? NO. I threatened him with him not going to summer school. Yeah right Wolffie, there was no way to follow through on that!! I went home, got his pass, drove him to school all the while saying please respect my time. please be responsible. I swear to you that I could hear his mind thinking...WAW WAW WAW WAW WAW!!!

Moral of this story: breathe, mediatate more, continue your early morning practices. and understand that he is just a teenager.

Can you relate? More will be revealed.

Signing off until we meet again. PLease come back for more.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day One Hundred and Seven: When Is It Ok To Expect Something?

2010-06-28T07:50:00.000-07:00

Hi. My dad always told me that it is never good to place expectations on people. You will always be let down. Sounds cynical, doesn't it? I used to get really mad at him when he said that. Wasn't he hearing me? People were hurting my FEELINGS.

This is where I went wrong when I went to him with a broken heart or if I was really really mad. "Daddy, so and so did (you fill in the scenario) to me. I would NEVER do that ." There was his opening..."If you put what you would do on someone else then you will be let down." And damn it...he was right.

What's someone to do with that information? Suck it up and become tougher? Have no friends and live a lonely existence? I couldn't do it then. I can't do it today. It's not in my make-up. So, how did and do I navigate when something happens that I am not happy about?

Well back then in the dark ages, I sulked and I felt like a victim. Poor Wolffie, why don't people understand me.?Whine, sniffle, whine sniffle. That's what I did. I had no other choice, I didn't have the understanding back then that being disappointed was okay. My dad was right., You can't place your expectations and morals on another person. It's HOW we choose to deal with disappointments that is the empowering part.

So, I have someone in my life, not a good friend (no worries gal pals!!), who I feel is stepping over the line of what I can take. I am not mad, maybe slightly annoyed, but I don't want to partake in the bullsh*t anymore. I fight with myself. Am I being a beotch? Should I keep making the phone calls to organize the carpool? The adult who doesn't have time for this says... NO WAY. The part of me who wants to help her out with driving her kid says I have to suck it up. Well...I have come to the place now where I am done. I am not a babysitter. I can't keep organizing her life as well as my own. Sh*t I have four kids (five if you include the hubby) and a dog to take care of. She was supposed to get back to me on the new summer schedule. Didn't. So, here we are on her day to drive and she hasn't called me....again. Not gonna call her!! My day has to change so I can drive my Soccer Stud 1 to practice. I am a bit miffed...because...IF IT WERE ME, I would have called her...oops there goes my expectations!!! I am going to call her..not to organize. I will call her with a mature attitude and no anger in my voice to inform her that I will be taking my Soccer Stud 1 to practices on both days. I will thank her for driving Soccer Stud 1 and tell her how much I appreciated being in the carpool with her.. End of story. No drama. It's gonna be hard. I just want to be calm and centered. I'll let you know how this all works out!!

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. OMG. I don't even attempt to understand how my teenage boys minds work. Last night all six of us were having dinner as a family. It was GREAT!!! Now that College Studette is home and we were not at a sporting event of one of the Soccer Studs or Running Stud, we could actually have dinner all together at a reasonable hour. The hubby made a yummy summer dinner of grilled fish, mozzarella basil and tomato with a drizzle of olive oil and balsamic vinegar and quinoa. We were having light conversation and laughing. I only had to tell two of the boys to stop eating with their fingers a couple of times. There was no bickering and that in itself is a miracle. Anyways, Soccer Stud 2 starts telling us a story (prompted by Running Stud) about how he pooped in the side yard multiple times (for a few weeks running). I just want to remind you of my boys ages...almost 13, 14 and 14). I was laughing and saying TMI TMI" (for those of you who don't know text and kid speak...that is TOO MUCH INFORMATION!) Does this stop Soccer Stud 2 from going on with the details of his pooping event? Nope. He proceeds to say that he pooped on the side yard because he wanted to see how long it would stay there until a animal ate it. Before I tell you the punch line..we don't live in the woods. We live in Suburbia. Okay we might have an occasional coyote..but how long until an animal eats it? PALEEZZE!!!! It didn't take long mind you because our lovely dog Kona, also a boy of 8, ate it in a flash!!! BOYS...I DON"T UNDERSTAND THEM.....BUT I SURE DO LOVE THEM!!!!! Did I mention that the other boys were in on the poop experiment as well?!? Welcome to my life.

Moral of the story? I don't always have to understand my boys..I just have to laugh.

Can you relate? More will be revealed.

Signing off until we meet again. Please come back for more.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day One Hundred and Six..Annoying!!!!

2010-06-23T14:25:00.000-07:00

Hi.

Oh the world can be an annoying place...can't it? Let me tell you about the early part of my day. I started off today at the beautiful hour of 5:30. That is not a pretty time for me. I am not a morning person. I had to get up to make time to do my mediation and writing and then I had to take my boys to the shuttle for summer school. Don't get me started on the hour that summer school starts. 7 fricken 30 in the morning!!! So, in order for them not to miss the bus, we have to leave at 6:20. I glanced at my watch...6:25. HOLY SH*T, we were going to be late and it was all my fault. Bring it back to I am not a morning person and I do things at a snails pace. I screamed "GET A MOVE ON...WE GOTTA GO NOW!" One of the twins, Running Stud, was putting hair product in his hair. I have to say that they get their metro sexual stuff from me as I have taught them about cleanliness and good hair cuts and ever so cute outfits. My other guy, Soccer Stud, was sauntering very slowly to the car. HONK. HONK. Finally we were on our way. The signal was taking FOREVER. I had to make a U-Turn to get a move on. I ran a yellow to red light and I made it to the shuttle bus stop. THERE WAS NO-ONE THERE!! I panicked. I zoomed my big and groovy Ford Flex to the other shuttle bus stop all the while ranting that we were going to miss the bus. One of the boys popped out with, "It's not our fault that we're late!" I didn't have time to be annoyed..I WAS PISSED. I dropped them off without a "have a nice day". I sped off and went to the gym. It's was 6:30. This is a big deal as the only thing I like to do at 6:30 am is to have my morning pee, get back into bed and drink my hot cup of coffee that the hubby brings to me!! I have to exercise to clear my head and get the rolls off that have accumulated since my Mencius tear. I rode the stationary bike for 10 minutes and then swam for 20 minutes. It felt great. I wasn't annoyed anymore. I felt terrible about behaving like a immature mommy lunatic. I made then an extra nice lunch to bring to them before their sporting conditioning camps. They were thrilled and I even remembered the waters!!!!!

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. So to add more to my annoying day, I had it with my IPhone. I uploaded the latest version and my email wasn't working. Oh the horror. What is a girl to do without being able to check her emails every 30 seconds? Stomp off to the Apple Store doncha know!! I got there, made an appointment which was to be in five minutes. NOT. 20 minutes later I was still waiting. Let me clarify that I was hungry beyond belief and I was meeting a friend. So I was ancy. I kept tapping my phone on the counter. This man walked up WITHOUT AN APPOINTMENT and they took him and answered his question.. ANNOYING!!!! I finally had it and spoke with the manager. "I must tell you that I will try not to be rude but....blah, blah, blah." I got my appointment and I wasn't terribly rude. It was a simple fix and now I can be a email queen once again. After lunching with my gal pal, I felt fab. I even told her that the world seemed so less annoying after a good veggie burger and salad!!

The moral of my day is: Breathe, exercise and eat when you are not past the starving point...then the world will be bliss...not annoying.

Can you relate? More will be revealed.

Please come for more. Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie.

Day One Hundred and Five...Is It Still Summer?

2010-06-18T16:31:00.000-07:00

Hi.

Each year when the school year draws to a close, I can't wait to just chill with my kids. It's the best. No getting up in the morning. Lounging in my Jammie's till at least 11:00. Oh the thought of it sends warm fuzzies through my body.

Well, I am here to say that so far it has been 3 1/2 days of summer and I am TIRED. I haven't been able to chill and veg cuz my kids are getting older and they have agendas!! Imagine that. Their soccer stud pals have been sleeping over to watch the World Cup. Some mornings it has been 4:00 in the morning. For crying out loud don't they think of us in Pacific Standard time?!? I do love their energy and excitement when they watch the games. My running boy stud wants to run every day to keep in shape for the Cross Country Season. Although I am overjoyed with his commitment, he wants to run at the oddest times and it is not conducive for my chill time.

I started to get oh so cranky and then it dawned on me...I don't have much longer to shelp my boys. They are growing up oh so fast and soon they will be driving and they won't need me. And that stings. I am not saying that they won't love me..it's just that I witnessed through my college studette daughter that they really start to soar in high school. They like their freedom and they should..but it's a weird thing to have to deal with cuz I was and still am used to being the go to mom. My cutie boy twins are going to high school (shit where did the time go?) in the fall and I know the drill. Their eyes are already starting to roll and they might not want to sit with me and the hubby at the football and basketball games. I am still gonna go though because I never did the rah rah thing when I was in high school..which I think was a crying shame. I wanted to grow up soooo fast. And the truth is that you are older way longer than you a young!! I thought it was stupid to partake in my high school activities. So now, because our community is involved in high school sporting events, I get to whoop and yell along with the kids. I LOVE IT!! Oops I detoured a bit....back to the summer.....I am going to say this out loud..I am going to be calm..I am going to enjoy shelping my boys..I am going ignore my kids teenage mouths (to the best of my ability)...I am going to drink decaf instead of caffeine( to help in my plight to stay calm and enjoyable!! :).

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. The first time I went to a high school football game when my daughter was a freshman was a eye opening experience. She wanted nothing to do with us. I wasn't used to it. I went with then hubby my three boys in tow ( they were pipsqueaks at the time). They LOVED my daughter and her friends. They ignored us. We didn't exist. My heart felt heavy. My mind understood. She was growing up. I didn't like it. I had to deal with it. So, we sat on the far end of the bleachers along with the other parents and kids who were banished from their high school kids. It felt a little better. Safety in numbers. So, that year passed and by the time she was a senior in high school it all magically changed. She sought us out at the games and sat with us. SHE HUNG WITH US......SHE REALLY REALLY WANTED TO HANG WITH US (I love Sally Fields)!!

Moral of the story: Let the kiddies fly cuz they come flying back home.

Can you relate? More will be revealed.

Please come back for more. Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day One Hundred and Four...Is It Possible?

2010-06-17T07:31:00.000-07:00

Hi.

Boy it's been awhile since I have sat down to my computer to write. The last time I posted, I said the same thing. This time, I can't chuck my not posting to procrastination. This time my not writng has been about sadness. Have you ever wanted to write, but knew if you did, the floodgates of tears would open and not knowing if the tears could be turned off? Well, that's where I have been. It hasn't felt good.

My sweet friend Betty passed away in May. Just writing this sentence breaks my heart and hurts my soul. Is it possible to feel so much loss that you just want to curl up in bed and not welcome in each day with joy? I am sure it is, but I don't have that luxury to just evaporate and allow myself to feel.... nothing. But I have wanted to..trust me.

I have those four kids to worry about and the hubby who all require me to be present in the day. Even in sadness I have to shelp the ever so busy boys to their "stuff". Even though the hubby is a gem and is ever so helpful, I still have to go to the market, go to Target to get something for somebody, pick up here, take someone there, make dinner..well are you getting the picture? I HAVE TO BE VISIBLE AND PRESENT. Thank G-d.

I get annoyed sometimes that I have a life that is so rich and full. Why can't I just have a little down time? Really Wolffie?!? I don't have time for down time. Betty taught me so much in the last 8 1/2 months of her life. When the going gets rough, smile. When fear comes into your psyche...be grateful for something however small because it eats up the fear. When life gets overwhelming, hug your family and tell them you love them. When bad news comes, let life be half full..never half empty. When you are feeling alone..call a girlfriend and let them in. When you are taking your last breaths of life, do so with grace. When the chips are down...DON'T STOP BELIEVING. I will miss our chats, our shopping, our lunches, our hugs, our i love yous, our friendship. I will miss all this, but I will never ever forget her impact and her joy.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. I have added some chaos into my life...I am going to be the president of my youngest soccer stud's boys middle school. Madame President, that's me!! What was I thinking?!? I already am having sleepless nights. I bolt out of my already not so great sleep with a thought about a person who could do this job or how am do I navigate this event. OMG. I must tell you, I am not the PTA type..at least what I used to envision as "the type". I don't have a smile plastered on my face 24/7. I don't enjoy hashing out how many plates we need at a PTA function. I don't have the patience for the person who complains about how things are run, but NEVER gets involved. So,why am I finding myself being Madame Pres?!? I feel blessed that my kids are in a small school district that even in these challenging times (with budget cuts galore) are learning, thriving and growing up to be wonderful human beings. I want to give back. Pay it forward. I am sure you, my friends, will be hearing me bitch and moan. Trust me on that. But in the middle of the bitch and the moan, I know there will be some humor and satisfaction. I am gonna have stories!!! Isn't that what life really is? A bunch of stories clustered into a 24 hour day. When I start to feel overwhelmed, I go back to what Betty felt and said....DON'T STOP BELIEVING. It's all good. Life is good.

Can you relate? More will be revealed.

Please come back for more. Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day One Hundred andThree...Words Are Coming Back

2010-04-29T13:32:00.000-07:00

Hi.

It's been a bit since I have sat down to blog. I wanted to, but I didn't have anything to write about that spoke to me..you know from the soul on out. It wasn't like I wasn't writing, I was concentrating on projects that I had been formally procrastinating about. Now, this is a topic that I could write about forever....PROCRASTINATION. I do it all the time. I pretend to myself that I don't. I have valid reasons why I let my gas tank go to fumes before I fill up the tank.....I just don't have the time to fill it up. I am running, running, running. I never seem to have a minute. I meet a friend for coffee, go to physical therapy for my still not fixed knee, I go to Target to get "stuff", I go to meet the girls for lunch. Who has time to write a blog, novel, play or get gas? This is just my morning...I am "on the go mom" in the afternoon taking my kids to their various appointments and sporting practices, games and meets. There isn't a minute in the day to even pee (maybe that's why I need to wear depends). If truth be told, I kinda like to see how far I can go on a tank. There have been times where my tank is bone dry..but I made it to the station. It's kind of like Russian Roulette. Will I be stranded or will I make it.

Okay enough of that...I procrastinate about what to make for dinner with the hopes that the hubby will make it. He is a great cook. I am too but I am always tired from my busy day of running. I am like a hamster on a wheel: I don't stop until I have my frozen yogurt and watch my shows that I have recorded on DVR. I don't often take into consideration that the hubby works his ass off trying to bring home the bacon. I think I will have to start making dinner more often. I will start tomorrow!

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. I ran home today after my lunch with one of my best-est gal pals who is also my life coach. We were supposed to have a coaching session today, but the restaurant was way too noisy, so we changed our hats from coach and coachee to gal pals. I was having a birthday breakfast earlier today for my friend Barbara and she pulled out a new pair of sunglasses that were DIVINE. I tried them on and if I can be bold to say that I looked ever so movie star chic. That feeling of " I NEED THESE SUNGLASSES" came over me. I get this pull that lets me know that the obsession radar has been activated.. I am trying to figure out in my oh so clever brain how I can get these sunglasses....IMMEDIATELY!! They carry them art Nordies, so I was gonna go for " a visit" after my lunch. As gal pal and I were saying our goodbyes, I realized that my Chanel obsession is back...full force!!! I had to come write this blog so I could tell my ever so fab readers that I have a new Chanel to visit. I will keep you posted. In case the hubby or my beautiful darling daughter is reading this...Mother's Day is around the corner. What a nice way to say I love you with a card, a great meal and a Chanel!!!!

Can you relate? More will be revealed.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day One Hundred and One...Just Want To Get Away?

2010-04-08T15:16:00.000-07:00

I think I need to get away. I need to be far far away. The problem is that I want to leave myself behind. Is it possible to go away on a vacay and leave my mind and body at home? An acid trip is not an option. Either is drinking myself to oblivion. I can't eat a dozen or so girl scout cookies and get a major sugar rush. What's a girl supposed to do when she can't run or hide from herself?

I am annoyed. My knee is still bugging me. It's been since January and I still feel like sh*t. I went to a surgeon and I have to have microscopic surgery. Not happy about that. This slip and fall has become an annoying daily hindrance. I am getting fat by the second. I don't feel like I am overeating. My clothes are fitting a bit snugger and my face looks like a chipmunk. At least that is how I feel when I look in the mirror. Do you remember that commercial about Rolaids? They said something like I have INDEGESSSSSSSSSSTion. That's how I feel about by face and body...BiiiiiiiiiiiG and BloooooooooatY. I know feelings aren't facts, but does it really matter when you are in the thick of a yuck feeling?

My kids are ANNOYING. They are the Bickering Kings these days. I am not sure if it is more than usual, but let me tell you it feels like it. Do they really have to have a contest as to who takes their plate to the sink first? C'mon, Bickering Kings, give your mama a break!!!! I guess it means something to them. ANNOYING!!! Can't they have a contest on whose bed gets made first OR whose brushes their teeth first OR who is the nicest to their uuber sensitive mama?

I guess the point here is that I am in a funk and I can't seem to get out of it. I am bored. I am tired because I haven't slept well in months. I want to be able to exercise and feel no pain. I try to meditate but can't seem to relax. I have to say that if I were my family I would send me away or be EXTRA NICE. I must have a talk with them...the extra nice to your mommy chat. I hope it goes over well.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. When I was going through "the change" it wasn't very pleasant in my home. I was doctor Jekyll and Mr Hyde. I tried to be okay. I really did. Sometimes this overwhelming sense of ROAR would come over me. I would yell about anything and I couldn't stop it. One day on of my ever so cute young boys said to me: "Mommy, I think you need to go away so you can come back and be nice". REALITY!!! Those words hit me like a tongue of bricks. It hurt. It was true , I needed to go away and come back and be nice. I couldn't though because that's not how life works when you are a mommy. I did the next best thing...I went on hormones. It worked. I came back and I was nice. Not all the time of course, but I didn't fly off the handle as much. Today, because my breast cancer was estrogen positive..it's time for me to say goodbye to hormones and try to take things that won't make cancer cells want to come back. I am doing it gradually under the care of a wonderful doctor but....I have the ROAR back. I don't like it. I know I have to get through it..buts it's hard. Who wants to be "oh no my mama's gonna ROAR at the drop of a hat" mom? I have to take actions so I can feel better. I have to clear my head. Just by putting my feelings in this blog today, I already have some relief. I am gonna go close my eyes and meditate after I finish this entry. If I can't settle in...then I have to meditate until I do. The outcome is calm. I know my insides will love me. I know the hubby will be happy. The kids will probably want to throw a partaaay!!!!

Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day One Hundred....It's Been Along Time Coming

2010-04-01T15:17:00.000-07:00

Hi.

They say when you do something that you love even though you haven't done it for awhile..it's like riding a bike..you get on the seat..and start peddling away. Time nor distance from "whatever" it is you have not done just comes back naturally. Well...it has been almost a month since I have written....ANYTHING. I have started to many times...but...I.....just.....didn't. Can I give a million in one excuses as to why I didn't take the time to do what I love to do? Of course I can!!! Why should I yammer about my being a lazy, fearful, bump on the log? Who will that serve? My inner yucky voice that gets in the way of my happiness and contentment? Oh no, I will not give in to that voice!!!

Today I had my first session with a life coach. It was FABULOUS!!!!! How bad can an hour be when you have someone listening to your every word and your talking about yourself?!? All kidding aside, it felt extremely therapeutic and freeing to expose myself, my fears, my wants, my needs and whatever I was babbling about got a nod, a sigh, a smile, a question, and some answers too. So, the jist of me is...I need to allow me to be me. Now isn't that cliche and corny....but oh so true? I have to wear many hats in the day: wife, mom. daughter, sister, friend, a listener, a PTA board member, a cancer survivor...and yes a writer. Do you see where the writer is on my list? Last. Why? Writing is what makes me happy, creative, content, and fulfilled. Then...why last?!? Before today, I would have said that I have more important commitments to achieve in my day. BULLSH*T. I didn't allow myself to feel empowered to write. I thought that in order to be a good "whatever" I had to set my writing aside. I'll get to it later. When the kids are grown, I can write freely and more often. WAW WAW WAW WAW. Excuses..that's what I do. I allow myself to get off the hook and hide behind my excuses..i.e. FEAR. If I want to be a good..."whatever"..then I MUST write. This will clear away resentment and I will feel content..balanced and true to myself. Oh the games I play.

On day one of my blogging experience, I gave myself "the job" to blog everyday. I set myself up to fail. When I put high demands on myself I want to rebel. So guess what..I rebelled. I stopped writing. Who suffered? You the reader of my oh so fabulous words or me the writer? MEEEEEEEEEE!!!! Today, I am giving myself permission to write when I can..I hope it's often..it sure makes me feel productive and creative and sane. We'll see. My desire to create doesn't have to be all or nothing...black or white. It can be open to what I can achieve in a given day..no strings.....with a bit of grey in it. Oh I feel calmer already.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. When my daughter was a baby, I swore that she would NEVER eat Mc Donald's. She was going to only eat organic healthy foods, even down to her "treats" They were only fruit juice sweetened, whole grain treats. Now that's all good and dandy and I try to have myself and my brood eat healthy almost twenty years later. But is this an obtainable goal and live in LA where there is temptation everywhere?!? The first time I "caved in" and let her eat Mc Donald's french fries, I felt sick to my stomach. How could I do this to my child? How could I let her eat crap? Let me tell you, she LOVED those french fries. I love Mc Donald's french fries. Did I go to Mc Donald's every day and let her eat a burger, fries and a shake? No. The key was and is moderation and balance. Fast forward to today. Do I let my kids eat cake for breakfast...sometimes. Do we have pancakes for dinner? Sometimes. Do I throw in brown rice and veggies in the mix. You bet. My kids have a love of wholesome food AND crap. Would they pick the crap over the healthy stuff? Probably...but they have an understanding of balance and they do eat their fair share of sugar and carbs and even though it kills them to admit it..they love my healthy treats and meals too. Balance works in parenting...so now I have to balance me. Hmmmmmm.

Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day Ninety-Nine....How Can I Help?

2010-03-03T14:54:00.000-08:00

Hi.

I think I got the point across in yesterday's blog that I am out of sorts. I didn't want to initially speak about my changing of the guards so to speak from hormone cremes to other alternative methods because I didn't want to be writing from my pitty pot. There is so much more going on in the world than Wolffie's mood swings. We have Chile and Haiti in disastrous living conditions and I am complaining about my hormone imbalance and loud boys?!? This is not to say that I can't succumb to my feelings of....whatever they are cuz they are rapidly changing in the course of my day. I just want them to be put into perspective. I am alive, healthy and I have a home, a bed, food and 3 testosterone boys and a hubby who acts like a boy all safe and sound. My girl is off on a college path that is great...so...............what can I do for those who are not feeling the same safety as me? We gave to the Haiti relief fund..which felt good...but is that enough? I have contacted my two friends in Chile through Facebook. One contacted me that her family is all safe. Her daughter is supposed to marry this coming Saturday. I remember when September 11 happened. It was my last chemo and I cried like a baby..some out of relief that the chemo was over and some out of guilt that I was sitting in a chair in Santa Monica, California while others were dying, looking for loved ones and living in a state of total terror and disbelief. I imagine that my friend, her daughter (who is to marry) and her family must be having similar thoughts. How can I feel elation with so much death and disarray around me? I had to come to the place of acceptance. I was given the gift of life (through chemo) and I had to embrace it...and live my life without guilt. I was given this gift and who was I to throw it away? Happiness is a blessing. I can help those who are in need and this my way of thanking the universe. There is always time in my day to reach out..listen..give a hug..or just be there in silence. I sometimes forget this, which is selfish, and not how I want to live my life. I am not saintly (ask my family!!). I fall off the positive trail from time to time...but I am happy to admit my faults and hop back on. I think I am going to call my friend in Chile and see what I can do from safety here in California.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. My kids are into having Nerf gun wars. There's constant screaming, falling for cover and many times I get a Nerf bullet hitting some form of my body. I DON'T LIKE THIS GAME AT ALL!!!! In the spirit of trying not to control my universe and therefore my kids universe, I am keeping my mouth shut 98% of the time while they play play play the day away. I will tell you though that this game is my secret weapon..so in some ways maybe I am the controller. Taking the computer away or the cell phone has little emotion evoking out of my boys when they have done something that is oh so.....not cool. I now have the Nerf guns to take away!!! You should see their faces. It is kind of priceless. Imagine 6 puppy dog eyes looking back at you with the how can you do this to us look. The air around the house is calmer (when they aren't playing the damn game of course). Sigh. I have to have something in my pocket to keep the house civil...don't I?!?

Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day NInety-Eight..You Can Run But You Cannot Hide

2010-03-02T08:49:00.000-08:00

I didn't realize that I have not posted in so many days. I fell off the creative band wagon and I am forcing myself (gently) to write today. I feel a bit stumped. What can I babble about? I could go on and on about my kids, but I think I will give them a break from my banter. I could go on and on about how I feel like I am crawling out of my skin because I am coming off of my hormones..but then this would be a bitch session and I want to try and stay positive through this weaning process. I will say that the end will be worth it, at least I hope so, because this is not feeling so good. I want to try and be balanced without the hormones cremes, but all I can say is if you come in my path please be gentle or WATCH OUT cuz the bitch monster is alive and wants to pounce. Okay the only thing that is circling in my brain right now is the balance issue. I want to cry..over nothing. I want pounce..over nothing. I want to crawl out of my skin..over everything..good or bad. I want to run away..but there is no where to run..cause I WILL BE THERE!!!! So what can I do?!? Live through it and be as sane as possible. This will be a tall order..but I am gonna try. The doctor wants me to meditate..so that's what I am doing. She wants me to get acupuncture ..I would love to but it is so expensive. Maybe I can compromise and do it twice a month. I can't wait until my knee is better so I can run through this. Running takes away so much of the crap for me..it seems to dissipate my feelings of yuck with each step I run. Thar's all for now..it feels good to blog..and be present in my life.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. So today I was awakened from my not so great night of slumber with my husband talking LOUDLY on the phone at 6:30 in the am!!!! Business on the East Coast. My man has to bring in the bacon..so I kept my mouth shut. My boys woke up and they were LOUDER than the hubby. Why is that boys can wake up and have energy, banter and bicker before they even pee? I don't get it. Probably never will. I could feel my blood boiling over rather quickly. Should I yell? Should I ask them politely to shut the f*ck up (obviously in better language!!)? What's a mother who is hormonally challenged to do?!? I put the sheets over my head...and began to meditate..just like the doctor ordered!!!! It worked. I became a bit saner. I tweeted about the loudness..got a funny Facebook exchange from my daughter and the day began on a good note. Calgon take me way.....fast.

Can you relate? More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day Ninety-Seven...What Was I Going To Say?!?

2010-02-17T16:08:00.000-08:00

Hi.

I was having a birthday breakfast for my gal pal today and I got inspired to write about a topic that we were talking about. I can't remember what the topic was.. It seemed so perfect at the time. I know I should have jotted down a word or two so it could jar my memory, but I just don't want to admit that I can't remember sh*t. Until now. It's now in the open....I can't remember sh*t. It's not really that big of a deal because none of my friends can remember anything either!! I often will have to stop my conversation in mid sentence because I don't remember what I was talking about. OMG, WTF!!! Can I blame it on too much information going into my brain that I can't process it quick enough. I find myself having a conversation while I am on the Internet checking my email and who can do that at the same time? It's kind of like chewing gum,patting your head and trying to rub your tummy in a circular motion all at the same time. I can't do that, can you? So what makes me think that I can talk and read at the same time. My kids get ANNOYED with me because I don't always seem to be paying attention to their questions because I am into this game on my IPhone, Words With Friends. It's awesome. It's kind of like scrabble and you play it with one other person who has an IPhone. Back and forth..I thought it would be good for my memory issues because I have to think of words and try to score the highest points. So far I don't have much of a memory and I don't win too much...I am not strategic enough to get the points BUT my words rock. My kids think I am tuning them out on purpose. Not true. I am just absorbed in the game!! I am absorbed in the moment!! Not cool though..I have to stop..and listen to them. I am getting better. I now have to work on not tuning out the hubby when I am doing my IPhone stuff.

Can I blame my memory loss on menopause? Why not? Lack of hormones can make your thoughts fuzzy, cranky and slow. I am trying to take supplements that can help with all of this. It's too soon to see if they are working..but something is better than nothing.

I think what we all need to do is take time. I rush around from thing to thing and often I don't give myself chill time. My brain must be screaming, "If you don't give me a rest Wolffie, then I am gonna force you to be still". Have you noticed when you do forget your train of thought, your kids name, where you put your keys and sunglasses... you must STOP... PAUSE and CHILL? Even if it's for a split second..we have to give our minds a break so we can regroup and remember what the heck we forgot.

Moral of the Story: Ummmmm, I forgot what I was talking about. Kidding!! In order to chill we have to be still.

Why Listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. I have found that if I don't make lists of things that must get done for the next day before I put my head on my pillow....then....PING...my eyes bolt open at 2:00 in the morning and many thoughts start to rapidly enter my brain. This screws me up for a peaceful blissful sleep. Sleep eludes me and I start to have a volleyball conversation with myself. "Don't think" "You have to make a hair appointment for the boys". Don't think". "You have to make sure it's on a Tuesday". "DON"T THINK". "You have to do it soon because they can't see:" All the while I am tossing and turning. "Breathe..Meditate..DO SOMETHING TO RELAX". It's not working!! I start to get annoyed. I get out of my ever so comfy bed and go to the bathroom. I plop back into bed and try to calm my mind down. It's not working. I turn on the Tellie so the noise can get in the way of my thoughts. It works but I the noise wakes up the hubby from his snoring slumber. I usually fall asleep by 5:30 and then in a blink of an eye it's time to get up and start my day. Bummer. The thought occurred to me after a few years of interrupted bliss that I should keep paper and pen by my nightstand to write all of the rumblings that go on in my head. Great idea, right? Now I just have to remember to do it!!!

Day Ninety-Six..Why Do They Think That?

2010-02-16T15:48:00.000-08:00

Hi.

I was with my running pal Pamela today. We were having lunch today instead of our normal running date because my knee is taking way longer than I think it should take to heal. My mind is ready to run, my flab is begging for me to run ...but the damn knee is still hurting. Heavy sigh. We were talking about how people perceive us and how we perceive ourselves. Often times I get that when people first meet me..they are intimidated by me. I can't believe this!!!I feel I am kind, outgoing and friendly...sometimes to a fault. Why would anyone feel this? She started to examine me one by one. I am a fixture in my town..I don't believe it's because I am "all that". I grew up nearby and even though I left for a bit..I have been back for 18 years. A lot of people that I grew up with live here as well..so they remember me. I have four kids and between their school and sports stuff..I have met a lot of people.So it's not like I want to win popular gal of the year.Then she started to say that I dress a bit funky. True. Why would that turn somebody off and feel intimidated? I can't change my taste level and I certainly am not over the top funky...so why? I guess I could see that when you walk into a room and people know you...then maybe someone might feel like I am a social butterfly who flits about from group to group. That could be farther from the truth. I tend to be shy in crowds..they make me...uncomfortable. I am not a chit chat kind of gal..I like to have deep conversations. I am a total bore at parties because I don't know do small talk well. I tend to space out and yawn..I think it's because I have to much extra oxygen in my brain because I do a lot of breathing in and out until I think of something to say. I don't think that's intimidating..it can come off as rude. I don't mean to be. I would rather talk about saving the world, someones life's goals than talk abut a new recipe or did you hear about so and so. I like to know what makes someone tick. Is that so wrong? I will try to work on my intimidation thing and look deep inside and see how I can give off more love. Maybe I don't have to..maybe it's their issues. That would make my life easier. Who wants one more thing to change? How are you peceived?

Why listen to Wolffie. Because I get it. I have talked a bit about my peeing when I run. I was reading my I can't wait to get it each week, People Magazine..... and there it was in print...a name for my peeing when I run!! Hallelujah. I am not alone!! I have LBL otherwise known as Light Bladder Leakage. The add states that 1 out of 3 women experience LBL. Who knew? I have joked about wearing depends when I run. Too bulky. Well they now have Poise Liners. I must tell you that I feel so good that I am not alone in my LBL syndrome. If you have LBL and didn't want to admit it to yourelf or anyone else...feel no shame. We are 1 in 3!!!! You can go to 1IN3LIKEME.COM and get your free sample. I am gonna. I will keep you posted about the liners when I can actually run.

Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day Ninety-Five...Sucker For Romance

2010-02-12T15:27:00.000-08:00

Hi.

Valentines Day is here and I am a sucker for romance. The stores have pink and red merchandise in the windows and people are dressed in their festive wear. I think the Hallmark part of the holiday started the day after Christmas. I didn't really pay attention to it until a week ago. I feel blessed to have 5 valentines..the hubby and my 4 kids. I got into the spirit today...I took out my heart necklace and I am wearing a red down vest and bright red lipstick. I am feeling the love.

I grew up with my mom getting us small tokens of love and preparing us a yummy dinner. Sometimes it was candy. Sometimes it was make-up. She still gets me a gift. For the past couple of years my mom has given us a gift card to various fancy restaurants so the hubby and I can have a romantic "date night". THe tradtion lives on in my home.I always buy my kids heart boxers (for the guys), cute heart undies for my girl and some type of candy. I know my kids like the candy the best because I usually have only healthy stuff in the house. The hubby and I buy trinkets and I am so excited to give him his gift!!! I take out my heart shaped pan and make quiche. I throw heart candy all over the table, set the table with red and white dishes and we light candles to set the mood of "love" in the air.. It's super festive and I love doing it. This year, College Studette is away at college (but is visiting her boyfriend this weekend), and my youngest is invited to watch the NBA Dunk Contest. I can feel the pains of him getting older because a year ago he would have wanted to hang with us. What's a mom to do?!? Of course I am letting him go and I am going to make lunch instead of dinner. Traditions can change a bit. It feels a bit unsettling..but I have to go with the flow.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. I am a super chick flick gal. Last week I saw "Dear John" with my girlfriend in the middle of the day while by guys were at school. I love doing that. There's nothing like a day movie where I can laugh and cry. The movie was predictable..but I LOVED IT. First of all, it was worth the ticket seeing Channing Tatum. He is a hunk...and I loved the way he loved Amanda Seyfried. That's why I love chick flicks. It warms my heart to see love. Call me old fashioned...but at the end of the day when I go to sleep..I know I am blessed to be loved..I am blessed to be able to love. I have grown up enough to know that life's love is not like in the movies.....so it's nice to escape. I know why they don't add the burping farting, and the bickering in a chick flick. IT'S TOO REAL!! Chick flick enthusiasts want to ESCAPE. When I leave my Chick flick and drive home , I am wearing rose colored glasses. I feel loved and my heart feels so full it might explode. I open the door, walk in, wash my face, put on my flannel jammies (how sexy) and watch TV with the hubby and the boys. I often raise my voice for them to dial down their boy humor and loudness so I can watch the program....(as I am thinking why I have to have this same conversation every night). In their own teenage and 50+ boys minds...they do love me. They don't want to annoy me. They just don't get it. They don't read the scrip notes!!! Oh..gotta run and make my air popcorn and stuff some tissues in my pocketbook. I am gently forcing the hubby to see "Valentines Day" on opening night!!!

Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day NInety-four..Can You Put A Price Tag On A Life?

2010-02-11T15:13:00.000-08:00

Hi.

Can you put a price tag on some one's life? My daddy died a little over three years ago. He was a pedestrian and was hit by a car. He died on the scene. Needless to say..it was a shock. It still is a shock. We have been in a law suit and I just got a settlement check in the mail about 10 minutes ago. There it is...a piece of paper with my name on it and a dollar amount typed on the amount line. Weird. We are going to open a fund that will help kids with their education in the school district where my dad mentored kids in reading. We are still in the fine tuning stages of exactly how we are going to distribute the fund. I am at a loss for words and emotion at this time..because although my daddy's picture is on my desk where I write and he is certainly in my heart 24/7..this settlement check puts a close on his last day on earth. So, I will gather my thoughts later I am sure..but the question that keeps looming over me as I write this is...Can you put a price tag on some one's life. If we settled for a billion dollars..would that make this nightmare tolerable? No way. I think what heals the wounds in my heart is time...money never can...so I am at peace (to a point) in the notion that we will be helping others. That was so important to my dad. As my families wounds heal, others will prosper. With his life ending...an other's life blossoms.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. Yesterday I spoke about the Goddess in me and I never posed the question...have you found the Goddess in you? I look around at my friends and I see that we are all trying to figure out the next phase of our lives. I watch as they seek to find their truths and I marvel at what these women are doing. They are not all BIG changes...some are subtle..but they are real and pure and it is so exciting. So, I pose to you this question...are you true to who you want to be? Do you feel the Goddess in you is out and about or is it still hiding behind a i don't have time to listen to my needs. What I have come to understand through watching my peers is...it doesn't have to be all or nothing..sometimes it takes just 5 minutes a day to pause and drink a hot cup of tea. I want to thank all the women who have touched me either by being my mom, sister, friend or blogger. YOU make it easier for me to reach my highs and accept my lows. May we all be true to our Goddesses.

Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day Ninety-Three..The Goddess In Me

2010-02-10T16:34:00.000-08:00

Hi.

When I went to the doctor the other day for my lifestyle overhaul, she said some things that have stuck with me. I will paraphrase..but this is the essence of what she said: "You are the matriarch..this is where your power is. What does it look like? This is the time for you to get in touch with your Earth Mother/Goddess. After we deal with the physical and emotional (2 steps) then you are going to be a Frickin Goddess when you're done. You can create this, imagine it..meditate on it"

Wow..does that sound totally incredible? I was so pumped when I left. I am going to be a Goddess. This is good. This feels right.

Here I am a few days later and.....and I don't feel like a Goddess. How do I get to be one? I know it means work.. What does a Goddess look like to me?

Goddess=beauty.
Goddess=serenity
Goddess=long curly hair.
Goddess=curvy sexy body
Goddess=purity
Goddess=creativity
Goddess=truth
Goddess=faith
Goddess=love

That's a tall order. My hair is straight and above my shoulders. My body is curvy...not sure about the sexy. I don't feel pure...but I do have faith. I feel creative but not all the time. I am truthful and loving. Is this whole concept a crock of sh*t?

I have faith that somewhere inside of me Goddess Wolffie is looming. How do I tap into that part of me? Maybe it starts with belief. So, do I just "believe" and POOF..I am a Goddess? Can I be like a character in a Disney movie and it just "happens" after some unsettling event in my life? I have had some huge unsettling events..but I ain't no Goddess. Baby steps. I want it NOW. I know it doesn't work that way. I am capable of reaching whatever my soul desires. I just can't get sidetracked. It's so easy to make a phone call, do something for my family, meet a friend for coffee or lunch rather than do something for me that will create a shift and will let Goddess Wolffie emerge. I have started to meditate again. It's hard to quiet my ever so busy mind. I think about all the crap I have to do. I keep saying to myself go to your special place...go to your special place. I got there today in my mind. Progress not perfection. it felt good...it felt safe. I know I will get to the next step. When my mind is quiet..then the images of what I need to do will come. I am a Goddess..hear me roar!!!

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. I totally believed that Prince Charming would sweep me off my feet and life would be happily ever after. When the hubby asked me to marry him, I was ecstatic and I knew that my life would be all that I had dreamed about. So, here I am 22 years later and I still feel like the hubby is my prince charming...but my feet are planted firmly on the ground. We have had up and downs..they don't talk about that in fairy tales. I am sitting here feeling "the love" for my life and I hear a "SHUT UP..YOUR SO STUPID" coming from Soccer Stud One to his bro's Soccer Stud Two and Running Stud. Nice. This wasn't supposed to happen. My kids were supposed to love and respect each other unconditionally. Now Running Stud is singing in his high pitched voice that sends chills up my spine and a few more SHUT UPS come from the peanut gallery (his bro's). The hubby is driving up to our house and will inquire about dinner. I'm gonna say with a "happy tone","Scrambled eggs and pancakes". I know he won't be overjoyed but I didn't go to the market today. In my fairytale mind, I never thought about arguing with the hubby and kids, having to downsize, getting cancer, losing parents, having my College Studette living in another state all while going through menopause. Who ever thought to go to those places in their fantasies? NOT ME!! As Valentine's Day is approaching, I have to ask myself..is this better than what I imagined my life would be? Yes. I wouldn't want to go through my life without my crew. The hubby and my kids complete me. They have helped me dig deep and evolve into who I am today. Maybe I am a Goddess after all. I just have to change my definition. Okay maybe I have to work a bit more so I can roar!!!

Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day Ninety-Two...It's Okay To Change The Course

2010-02-08T16:28:00.000-08:00

Hi.

I had a doctors appointment today that I was a bit nervous about. A few months back, I met a doctor from UCLA who did not really like that I was doing bio identical hormone therapy. I had breast cancer back in 2000. My life was spiraling down pretty fast due to being slammed into menopause. So after 5 years of being cancer free, I made a decision with my oncologist that I would go on hormone replacement. I saw bright clouds and rainbows after years of feeling really doom and gloom. I knew that this was a controversial decision for me...but isn't quality of life important? Lets face it..if I didn't do something my kids were going to only know me as a: cranky how do I act around my mommy so she won't yell all the time life? Who wants to live with that? To put things into an even better prospective the hubby wasn't getting ANYTHING from me. No love, no humor, no compassion..and no passion. Who wants to be married to that? So..here we are almost 5 years later ( from the start of hormone therapy)..and my life is so much better. Do I still yell? Sometimes. Do I still get annoyed with the hubby? Sometimes. But my mind...it is clearer and I don't feel like aliens have invaded my body. Anyways..back to the doctor I met a few months back..he wanted me to think about getting off my hormones. Are you kidding me? He casually gave me a paper with a name of a doctor on it. "Call her, I think she can help". I went into denial. I don't need help. I am doing what I can to stay sane. If I get cancer back than at least I will have lived in comfort. Would this doctor want to have his wife live in no hormone I am a lunatic land? How dare he tell me to get off my "Stuff". That's like telling an addict to get help when they are not ready. I was and am still afraid that if you take my hormones away..then I will become INSANE again. Don't really want that. So, the doctor I saw today was.. FANTASTIC. We talked a lot about diet...lots of veggies, fruits, lean protein, soy (that was a shocker) and whole grains. I pretty much eat like that...expect for my nightly treat of frozen yogurt. "Hang on to the yogurt for awhile..lets see how you feel in 6 weeks"? Yeah.... this is a doctor who UNDERSTANDS me. "Success is when you wean things out of your lifestyle. The body can be shocked in a more gentle manner than cold turkey". I liked that!! We are weaning me off the hormones too. I added a few supplements and took away some supplements. The key to this adventure for me is to work on my mind,body and spirit. Meditation, diet, acupuncture,and exercise. This all sounds so zen and yummy. I feel calm thinking about the process. I am looking forward to feeling good..hormone free...maybe I can have quality and quantity of life. When I left her, she asked if I was a hugging kind of lady or a hand shaking kind of lady. Hug Away.

Why listen to Wolffie. Because I get it. Hormoneless Wolffie is not a fun person to be around. Hormoneless Woffie was lost in the abyss. Where did she go? She was gone in the inside and was left with only a shell. My outsides looked the same..and that was it. Have you ever looked at the world with such disdain and you didn't know why? That was me!!! I had no control of my feelings. I didn't have feelings..unless they were smothered in anger and yuck. Few knew about how I was feelings because I can act. At home I could be crazy about how something was out of place and then the phone would ring and I would carry on a conversation like I didn't have a care in the world. "Oh hi..How are You? I am great.. giggle giggle ." PALEEESE. I was a fake..and it wasn't good. Honesty took over and I told my doctor I needed help. Help came..life came back...and the world looked brighter. It's not always easy being me....but I have learned to accept me for who I am..talk about it...and try to be the best me I can be. I don't always like me..but I do always love me. Hey..isn't that the name of the game?

Can your relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day Ninety-One..Helpless With Health Care

2010-02-05T16:01:00.000-08:00

Hi.

I got a letter from my ever so friendly Health Insurance Company. I thought maybe it was a reimbursement check or a letter stating how bad they feel about my son, Soccer Stud's broken arm or condolences about my hurt knee. No such luck. I don't know why these ever so friendly thoughts would enter into my mind because we have such a HUGE deductible that we never meet and I have never gotten anything resembling human emotions from them before. A girl can dream, can't she? The letter was informing me that their contract with the hospital that does my mammograms is in negotiations and that it probably will not have a relationship with them in the near future. The alternative..go find a new hospital on their website: www.wedontcareaboutourinsurees.com . Okay, so. they don't have that website...but they should. Do they ever think about making it possible for the hospital to keep their contract with them? Do they ever think about their insurees who need to go to that hospital? I DON'T THINK SO. I go there for my mammograms. This is where I go to see my breast surgeon. I can't afford to pay out of pocket for these very necessary appointments. I don't want to be told that I have to seek medical care elsewhere..well they don't actually say that...but this is how I feel...CORNERED. It's hard enough going to these appointments with the thought that I might have breast cancer again.,...and to have to do this with a new doctor and mammo facility? NERVE RACKING . The technicians, nurses, and my surgeon have known me for years..we have a RELATIONSHIP. Imagine that...having a relationship and because of insurance it will have to end. Not by my choice...but by my not being able to afford the out of network costs of $795.00 for a mammogram and $150.00 for the surgeon's office visit. I am angry. This might blow over. Maybe they will come to an agreement. Maybe I am making a mountain out of a mo hill..but why should I have to feel any of this? I can't get insurance anywhere else because I have a
"pre existing" condition. Who doesn't if you are over the age of 10? The insurance companies have my family by the balls...we are hostages. I thought about writing to my Congressman..but would it really help? Will I be heard? Do they really care?

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. When my son broke his arm and we were making an appointment with the orthopedic surgeon, the lovely woman on the phone asked me in 10 different ways..Do you have insurance? Have you met your deductible? You will have to pay $250.00 at the time of his visit. Okay.Okay. I know the drill. "Can you just ask me how my boy is rather than talk about the insurance stuff. Can we humanize this a bit"? "I am so sorry ma'am..we just have to cover our bases". I was a bit exasperated but I didn't go on. I said what I needed to fulfill my mama bear role. When we saw the doctor, they were all so nice and friendly. Sometimes I forget that the insurance companies are squeezing their balls as much as they squeeze mine.

Moral to the story: We need Health care Reform.

Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day Ninety...I Am Standing In My Way

2010-02-04T15:12:00.000-08:00

Hi.

It has been 2 1/2 weeks since I fell and hurt my knee. I am getting better thanks to a cortisone shot, but I haven't been able to exercise. Doctors orders. I am definitely in sloth mode. It doesn't feel so good. I have many hours while the kids are in school that I have nothing to do. I have taken to driving the kids in my jammies, come home and crawl back into bed and watch the Today Show. Today I caught up on my Tivo shows. This is not a great thing for me to do. I am a bored. I feel like my endorphins are in hibernation. I have no energy. I really miss my running. I am not sure when the 'ol doc will give me the green light. I don't want to rush into it,,but I am antsy in a sloth kind of way. My heart is longing to run and my brain is saying..be lazy Wolffie. I could be doing other things to pass the six hours a day I have while the boys are in school. I could read one of the many books that I have sitting on my nightstand. I could knit or needlepoint the projects that are needing to be finished. I could start writing the novel that has been looming over me for many many years. This is the burning question I have....Why aren't I starting that novel? What is stopping me from following my dream? Could it be FEAR!!!! Maybe I have nothing to say.Will anyone want to read my words? Could it be that I lack the knowledge on how to start it? Could it be that I can't let myself let go and just write? Will I open my soul and become too vulnerable? Answers? All of the above. I am so sick in tired of my bullsh*t. Enough is enough. I can't tell you how many times I have done this dialogue in my head and to others. It's old and it's oh so BORING. I have gotten some great suggestions. Basically all I have to do is....write and the rest will follow. Sounds good to me in theory...BUT..Oh hear I go again. Yawn, Yawn.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. I try to be a good mom. I try to teach my kids that in order to succeed you have to try. To be good at something you have to work hard for it. Most things don't come to you..you have to go toward it. To achieve you must make goals. See something through before you up and quit. Are you getting my drift? I don't follow this when it comes to my writing. Now, I know we can't be perfect. Most of us humans have flaws. Most of us humans have fears. I have pushed through many of my fears. I tend to think I am a take me as I am kind of gal. I don't have secrets. I wear my heart on my sleeve. As I am writing this I am getting this take the bull by the horns feeling over me. Who am I writing for anyways? For me? For the masses (whoever they are!!)? I have to be teachable to my own lessons...right? Sometimes it's easier to preach than it is to act. I will humbly open my heart and soul and just do it.

Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day Eighty-Nine....Family...Food....I Love Both

2010-02-03T19:15:00.000-08:00

Hi.

Today my mother-in-law had shoulder replacement surgery. I was at the hospital all day waiting to get a glimpse of her so I could get rid of the knot in my stomach. She is 77 years old and I couldn't help but be a bit worried about the 3 1/2 hour surgery. We got news from her surgeon that she did great and there were no complications. My dull headache disappeared immediately with that news. I didn't even realize that I was a bundle of nerves. I don't love hospitals. Well that's not entirely true. When I gave birth to my babies...the usual negative feelings about hospitals were not anywhere in my psyche. Today, I did not like seeing my mother-in-law who is usually bright and cheery ashen and zoned out. The hubby was totally taken aback. He saw his mom's mortality smack dab in front of him...and it really shook him up. This is the one part of the life cycle that really doesn't enter in your world on a regular basis. I love my mother-in-law very much. I am happy that she is going to be okay. It will be a long haul...but she won't be in pain anymore.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. After a long day today..I couldn't wait to get home and make some down home good comfort food. I was going to make this yummy white bean and barley soup. It's thick and when you dip hot bread in it..it is...well...out of this world. It's easy to make..and it tastes oh so good. I cut my shallots and carrots really fine and I sauteed them in butter with the barley. I never indulge and use butter. Oil didn't sound appealing as I wanted comfort food. Comfort food and butter mix real good!!! I dumped my sauteed food in with broth and beans. I put the flame on low and set off to pick up my boys from their various friends house. We are on the way home. My mouth was watering with anticipation of our dinner. Ring. Ring. I answered the phone in my car and through the speakers the hubby announced (rather perturbed I might add), "Were you making soup"? "Yep". "There is no liquid left in the soup and it burned." "OH NOOOOOOOOO I AM SOOOOO BUMMED". My voice must have sounded really deflated because the hubby responded with a ever so kind tone, "I'm sorry angel". I drove home in sad silence.I didn't want to go out to dinner. We are really trying to eat home more. We definateley save money..but we also linger longer at the dinner table. I looked into the frig and put together a fabu pasta primavera with a new twist...feta cheese. It might not sound too good but I have to say..my ever so opinionated boys loved it. Well that's not entirely true..my 13 year old Vegetarian Stud informed me he doesn't like vegetables in his pasta!! Go figure!!!!

Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day Eighty-Eight..How Many Times Do I Have To Tell You?!?

2010-02-02T15:12:00.000-08:00

Hi.

I met my friend's sister today who was visiting from Massachusetts.. I mentioned somewhere casually in the conversation that I blog. She asked what I blog about and I fumbled a bit: "Well....I...talk about mom stuff...getting older and women stuff". As the words were rolling out of my mouth, I felt a bit like a egotistical person. Now really Wolffie does my banter really matter in the big scheme of things? I know my thoughts and opinions will not save the world...but in some small way..it saves my world. It's a time in the day when I forget about my mommy and wifely obligations. I can spew whatever I want and it gives me a sense of purpose and much more than that it brings humor to my ever so crazy and fun filled life. If I were to be a bit more honest, it feels gratifying when people relate and laugh at my antics. Who doesn't enjoy validation from time to time? So, here goes one for the record. I have asked my boys.... let me see....... one trillion times NOT to kick the soccer ball near my car. It is less than a year old and I really don't want dents from the damn ball. Is that asking too much? Obviously my boys think it is..because as I write this there are 2 soccer ball prints on my rear view mirror. How did it get there? Amnesia has taken over. It just got there and no one knows how it happened!! Today as I was walking into the house, one of my Soccer Studs kicked the ball nice and hard and it hit the passenger side of my car. I wasn't happy. I went into my long and boring speech that I know my kids immediately tune me out to: "How many times do I have to ask you not to blah blah blah. I am sure you know the rest because if you are a parent, I am sure you have given the speech and if your are not a parent, I am sure sometime in your childhood you were the not so lucky recipient of the speech. Where did that speech get me? NO WHERE. All I got was an "I'm sooooorrrrrry". "Are you really? I think not because you keep on doing it". "I'm sooooorrryyy. It was an aaaaaacident". Do I need to go on with this I am sick of this happening tale? I vowed when I became a mom that I would not have waw waw waw waw waw lectures with my kids. How did I get here then? I am a waw waw waw mom. I think it is a rite of passage for my kids and for me. The roles we play are apart of being a: I am going to do what I want and conveniently forget everything my mom tells me kid AND a: please respect and listen to me mom. Heavy sigh. It's maddening sometimes...but I love my brood. I love that they have their own opinions. I just would like to feel like I am heard sometimes. Helloooooo in there..come out into our world for a bit.

Why Listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. Isn't life about yin and yang? That same Soccer Stud who hit my car today did a wonderful touching thing yesterday. When My daddy died, it was not expected. We were all in shock. I still can be in disbelief and it has been three years since he has died. Back to the touching moment...my mom bought a new car yesterday. I was having a conversation on my blue tooth so when my mom voiced that it was a hard day for her..my 13 year old boy looked at me with such compassion and love and whispered "Is it because Papa bought her the car? I shrugged my shoulders and when I could...I asked my mom why it was a hard day. She said exactly what Soccer Stud had whispered to me. I can't even imagine the loss she feels. I can't even imagine what it feels like to sell a car that was given to you from your spouse who no longer can give you gifts. I know what it feels like to lose a parent. It hurts like hell but I have a hubby and children to lesson the pain. So, when by boy understood immediately what his Nana was feeling..I felt proud. Maybe those long blah blah blah lectures were heard through the waw waw waw's.

Can You relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day Eighty-Seven...Where Did My Words Go?

2010-02-01T15:39:00.000-08:00

Hi.

I love computers and I loathe computers. Today I wrote my blog earlier than usual. It was an entry of all entries. I have this little 7 inch computer. It's great for writing in bed and when I want to write at Starbucks. It has wireless capabilities but not in my bedroom. I love to write there. I am in my comfy bed and I have my coffee on the nightstand. The kids and the hubby are gone and our dog is hanging with me. Today I wrote an entry that was funny and poignant. I always save my document the second I start because who wants to lose their file? This alert kept popping up about restarting my computer. I kept clicking onto the do it later. I was about one sentence from completing my entry when a box came up with: Do you want to save, delete or cancel your file? I did not have time to click save when my computer abruptly starting shutting down. Panic struck. I rebooted my damn computer. My file was still there!!! Oh no it wasn't. It was blank. WHERE DID MY WORDS GO? They were such good and funny words. I liked them..they were important to me. How was I going to recreate them when I can barely remember my kids names? Okay so I do remember my kids names even though I am constantly calling them by the wrong name. I kinda go through them all until I come to the right name for the right kid. Sometimes I throw in my dog's name and the kids don't love that I do that...but he too can sometimes overwhelm and annoy me. Sorry for the tangent. Back to the computer. I tried to find the file by opening and closing the file several billion times. BLANK. I called tech support. What a joke that was. I was on hold for 20 minutes only to find that I had to be with another tech support team. I waited for about 10 more minutes and got someone on the phone. I was a bit "chilly" when I first started talking to "Tech Head". He informed me that my document is gone gone gone? "Where did it go"? "I don't know Ma'am..it just evaporated". "EVAPORATED. HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN"? "I don't know Ma'am..it sometimes just happens". "Can't we find it somewhere in my computer. The police can find deleted documents". "We are not the FBI Ma'am. Tech support does not have those capabilities." My blood is rising and my panic is turning to...I can't even find an adjective to describe my feelings. "Ma'am. Are you there?" "Oh yes I am here. I am just trying to swallow the fact THAT MY WORDS ARE MISSING. What can I do to prevent this from happening again. I saved the folder..So what can I do?" "Ma'am...you did not save the document after it asked you to shut down. We can unload and reload you computer. You must save your folders on a flash drive". "Thank-you for your time. I will call another time."

After that conversation, I realized that I got no technical support. Tech Head managed to make me more flustered and angry than I was before I called. I did not feel supported at all. Was I really so naive to think that my words were going to come back to me? I was hopeful.

Maybe the lesson here was that my words were not meant to be read. Maybe they were written for me to purge and that's it. Hmmmm.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. On the flip side of my horror of a morning today, I did have a lovely and funny exchange with my College Studette this morning. Yesterday I received a question from my girl on my Facebook. It was one of those questions that FB asks and people respond and I am not even sure where it originates from. Nonetheless the question was: Name somebody that you just couldn't live without? Now to me this is a loaded question...is it my hubby, my kids (I can't name just one), my mom, my friends,or my higher power? I would miss them all. My first reaction when I read this was my hubby. So.... I clicked on comment and wrote: my hubby. She responded back to me and I quote: "that was asking me about who I couldn't live without , and I answered you"! Awwwww. Isn't she sweet?!? I answered back and I quote: "Lol. Thanks sweetie!!!! I cldn't live without you either :) "

I clicked send. Then I wrote back again and I quote: "Btw....where does it say that"?!?

I missed it. I don't understand how by sending me the question..she answered it!! Am I FB illiterate?!? Whatever I am on underastanding FB..the one thing that I know is that I am so damn lucky that my 19 year old College Studette can't live without me? Who can't you live without?!?

Can you relate? More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In love and peace,

Wolffie

Day Eighty-Six...Pamper Thyself

2010-01-27T15:20:00.000-08:00

Hi.

In this time of recession, I have forgotten to pamper myself. I rarely get a mani/pedi and I color my hair every -four to six months instead of every six weeks. I found a color stick that is close to my own bottled hair color, so I wand my gray away!!! I have become a great nail filer..and I push down my cuticles instead of having them cut...and I have not had a facial in what I thought was three months..but it turned out to be 10 months. Which leads me into my point of the blog. I had a facial today!!! I create massive amounts dead skin so I got a micro dermabrasion facial. My lovely facialist and friend plucked my eyebrows and gave me a lip rip. I was beginning to look like my 13 year old boys with the black mustache line. When the facial was over and I gave a once over to my clean skin..I looked 5 years younger. I walked out with no make-up to hide my brown spots and the red marks from picking my skin ( a total no-no). I didn't care ..I felt a bit more youthful. Why is that I will let go of things that pamper me and I still do for the kids? Heck, my 19 year old daughter comes home from college and I make sure she gets a facial or her eyebrows waxed. I'm happy to do it...but again I have to wonder why I am last on the totem pole of pamper ville? I booked my next one for 2 months from now.

As I was thinking about this I realized that there are others ways to pamper thyself. I had a therapist once who told me that I should do something to pamper myself every day. In the old days when the mullah was flowing, I had weekly manicures, got my hair done when I needed to, bought things for myself that I wanted and really did not need. I was pampered on the outside for sure. One of my favorite ways to pamper thyself today is to have my first cup of coffee in bed. I do that most mornings. The hubby brings it to me and I feel like a queen. I also like to light candles. I feel like my kids aren't going to crash into the lit candles anymore (they still like to put their fingers in the flame to make it dance) so I light them..sometimes even at dinner. I make sure I light my candle every time I am writing on the computer..the scent is a feminine powder scent...a far cry from the boy smell that permeates around my house! Running has become a form of pampering for me as well. It clears my head, gets my endorphins flowing and my body gets a good workout. I can't wait to get back to it. Meditation has been a life saver for me as well. When I allow it into my daily life..I am a calm woman. I haven't been meditating on a daily basis and I really feel it.

I want to start a revolution. Calling out to all women...We must promise to PAMPER THYSELF everyday. It doesn't have to cost anything..it doesn't require endless hours..it just requires the willingness to honor ourselves in any way that makes us happy and glowing. Who's with me on this?!?

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. I went to the doctor to get my results of the MRI. I have a tear and a cut in my meniscus. It doesn't require surgery. I had a cortisone shot today. I am not always great with the unknown. I have never had a cortisone shot before...so I was asking a million question: Will it hurt? Can I get an allergic reaction? Will I feel numb? Can I walk right after the shot? So the long and short of it is..it hurt a little. I took long deep breaths as the shots were going in. My knee is sooooooo much better. There was apart of me that wanted to leave and not get the shot. That was the little girl in me that doesn't want to feel pain and doesn't like to have stuff injected in me. I told my cute doctor..(he's really cute). If he told me to jump off a bridge, I just might..especially if he was gonna jump with me and hold my hand. Anyways, I told him that I didn't know why I was so nervous..I have been through much worse. I mean come on Wolffie: vaginal childbirth, C-section (on the twins), another childbirth (V-back), breast cancer..chemo..radiation..tons of surgeries (for the breast cancer)..this was nothing..a piece of cake. What's an injection or two in my knee?!? I stayed and it really was no big deal...a bit of a burn and then the pay off...LESS PAIN. I am walking around much better and the good news is...I might be able to exercise in 2 weeks....so my muffin tops won't increase and my arms will still be stellar. All is good.

Can you relate? More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day Eighty-Five...My New Love

2010-01-26T15:59:00.000-08:00

Hi.

I have been going on and on about medical stuff and I forgot to let you in on my latest "visit". As most of you know by now I have these little material obsessions from time to time. I often will see something in a store that pulls at my heart strings. It's usually a purse. I walked into a local boutique a few weeks ago and found the "it" bag of the moment. Well..it's a "it" bag for me at least. It was $199.00..a bit more than I was comfortable spending. The sales associate informed me that it was 25% off. It was still more than I wanted to spend. So I bean to "visit" the metallic silver bag with brass studs. It wasn't being reduced. I got bold one day and asked if I could have more 0ff. They hemmed and hawed and said I could have it for 30% off. It was still more than I wanted to spend. I truly didn't "need" it. So...I decided to stop visiting the bag and that was the end of it. UNTIL....two days ago. I walked past the store and saw a fabulous sign... ENTIRE STORE 60% OFF. My heart started racing. I walked into the store and took a beeline to where the purse was usually displayed. NO PURSE. I asked the sales associate about my bag..SHE SAID IT WAS GONE. I was a little down hearted as I tooled around the store to see if there was anything else that called out to me. There was nothing. I felt a bit defeated BUT THEN I SAW THE PURSE!!!!!!! I snatched that bag up as quickly as I could and dashed to the register. I was practically jumping up for joy..even with my bum knee. I pulled out my American Express gift card and purchased my bag that was meant for me!!! Happy belated birthday to me!!!! I am all for inner peace and I truly believe that happiness starts on the inside ...but every once in a while a good find does make my day.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. So back to my medical woes. I had my MRI today. What a pain in the you know what that was!!! I had to keep my knee straight for 45 minutes. I had to redo 4 pictures because my knee involuntarily jerked and the pictures were blurred. My mantra was "stay still ...breathe..it's almost over" Then I started making up songs to the different sounds coming from the intensely loud machine. It helped me to stop focusing on the burning sensation in my knee. Whatever it takes..right?!? I am hoping that all will be well..no tears in my meniscus and that I can get back to running soon. I know I have to take it slow....I don't really know much about that...but I guess this is forcing me to learn the lesson of patience.

Can you relate? More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day Eighty-Four...Do You Have To Be So Insensitive?

2010-01-25T19:22:00.000-08:00

As I sit here waiting for the hubby to come out of his colonoscopy, I can’t help but be pissed. I don’t even know where to start. There is muzac playing in the waiting area. I feel like I am in an elevator. They handed the hubby a buzzer to hold until his name is called. I feel like I am in a restaurant. So impersonal. Where has the warm and fuzzy human contact gone? We both walk up to a dude after the buzzer rang. He was taking the hubby into the surgery area. I am a couple of steps behind when I hear the dude ask (very rudely), “Is someone staying with you or picking you up?” I tried to ask him a question and the dude was being really persistent… “Is someone staying with you or picking you up?” Does the dude have any sense that the hubby is nervous and so am I? Routine colonoscopy or not, we are entitled to be nervous. Right?!? All I wanted to ask…and I finally did…”Are you going to call me when he’s awake’? His answer..”Are you staying or coming back to pick him up? "I'd like to sit with him when he wakes up”. Nasty dude, open your ears. I stare at him. I mean glare at him “YOU CAN'T COME IN” he says. “WHY NOT?”, I bark. HIP(the privacy Act)…Fu*K you… I thought to myself. I could see the hubby getting irritated. I shut up and kissed him good-bye. ..I went back to write this. I am fuming on the inside. I threw down (gently) my laptop and went to the front desk and spoke with a nice lady. Of course the nasty dude was wrong. I can sit with the hubby. And I will. If there is one thing I have learned in my years of dealing with doctors and hospitals…you have to be an advocate for yourself and your family and you MUST speak up. I don’t understand why some people who work in the health care field have to be cranky. Of course there are nice and lovely caring people who work in hospitals and doctors offices. but the ones who are cranky..make me have a bad taste in my mouth. In the end though, I was nice, persistent and I got to be with the hubby. I don’t want to miss out on how funny he is when he wakes up from anesthesia!! That could a blog entry in itself! (he is fine and healthy!!!)

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. I had a doctor’s appointment right after the hubby this morning for my knee. The long and short of my visit today is..I have to have an MRI. To some of you, this might sound like a no biggie event. To me, I have one word to describe my initial reaction. Panic!! I have a issue with MRI’s. I have Claustrophobic Syndrome. I made them (in a nice panicky way) call and make sure that my head would be out of the machine. It is going to be. I haven’t gotten to the bottom as to why I am claustrophobic. I have made my blood pressure rise many times. I really don’t like elevators, especially the ones that don’t show you what floor you are on. My heart starts racing and I get light headed. It’s crazy..but I can’t help it. I try to breathe in and get into a calm meditative state. I don’t totally get into a calm place but it is better than hysteria!!! Some will say I have control issues. Is it so wrong to know what floor you are passing as you go up or down on an elevator? Also, why does it sometimes take so long for the doors to open? On time I asked the maintenance man at a huge office building to ride in the elevator with me. He thought I was nuts. Okay maybe I was a little, but I can’t imagine being stuck in an elevator alone. I know I sound like a weirdo head case, but I give myself a pat on the back for getting in elevators. Sometimes I cave into the fear and take the stairs. I won’t walk up 17 flights of stairs. I draw the line at walking up 8 flights of stairs. The positive is that it does burn calories, clears your mind and gets your heart pumping. Maybe I should start a new fad diet!?! Hmmmmmm. What should I name it? The Honor That You Have Claustrophobia Diet. I see a big book deal in the works for this one!!!

Can you relate? More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day Eighty-Three..Are We Really Talking About That?

2010-01-22T15:56:00.001-08:00

Hi.

I was having a much needed lunch date with four of my oldest and dearest friends. I love eating with them because I never know what our conversations will be about. Sometimes it's about the highs and lows of our kids. Somtimes it's about the highs and lows of our hubbies. Sometimes it's about the highs and lows about our lives. Sometimes it's just plain silly and fun fun fun.

Today it was about boobs, face lifts, getting older and insurance companies. We never can complete a full sentence because someone is ALWAYS interrupting with a follow up to what the conversations is or a segway into another topic.

We are all 49 or fast approaching it and we marvel at how we have changed from several years back..what we look like now and what we are going to look like in the future. This sounds so impersonal and fake...but the truth is..OUR BODIES HAVE CHANGED. I announced today that I want to fix my boobs. Since the cancer, I have one perky radiated boob and my other one is hanging low. Sigh. " Wolffie, we all have saggy boobs. I can't tell that yours are lopsided." Gravity has taken our youthful boobs from us. Cancer or not..I would be a sagging. Those padded bras are a boob saver for sure. Then we moved onto our hips and legs. Some of us yo yo in our weight and some of us have stayed the same...BUT...we all have changed in the middle and our legs have changed too. Is this fair? We all agreed it is what it is..you can't fight with time..it ticks away with or without your consent. The one thing I LOVE about my gal pals is that they always have a kind word to say about our fallen soldiers..i.e. our boobies, our changing middles, and our wrinkles. We are eachothers allies.

My forever sweet friend Julie shared with us that most women are always wishing for our bodies to be how they were in the past..never realizing that in 10 years from now we would all kill for how our bodies are today...SO...we should revel in where we are..accept it and live in the moment. I have to agree...so for today I will be grateful for my one perky boob and one saggy boob. I will be overjoyed with my muffin tops..and I will embrace my booty.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. I also announced today that I REALLY DISLIKE insurance companies. The hubby has to have a colonoscopy on Monday. The doctor's office called to say he has to pay a HUGE amount up front because of our insurance...Did I say only insurance? I meant SUCKY insurance. We are penalized for me having cancer and beating cancer. Imagine that?!? Anyways, this got my friends talking about ways for us not to have a radically high deductible...and there solution after we exhausted most of the scenarios.....AARP. What?!? "I am NOT a senior citizen ladies." My friend Lori had such glee in her eyes when she exclaimed, "You are 50 next year...and AARP has great benefits and a great magazine!!!" Was this supposed to make me happy?!? AARP? We all busted up (as usual when we are together). My first inclination would be for our government state and federal to take care of us (by that I mean all citizens of the ol US of A....not sure that will ever happen...SO...it might have to be AARP. I can't wait to get the magazine. Do you think they have good pictures and large type?!?

Can you relate? More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day Eighty-Two...Getting Older And Exercise..Do They Mix?

2010-01-21T10:34:00.000-08:00

Hi.

I was talking to a close friend today about all of our body ailments.. my knee and back pain and knee pain. We had to giggle as we have been friends for so long and this is not what we are used to talking about. Ailments or our 14 year boy crushes? Hmmmm. that's a toss up!!!

The question that keeps haunting me is..am I doing too much? Sh*t, I am only 49. I want to challenge myself phyically and spiritually. Am I choosing the right challenges? I have to admit something. I don't like to exercise. I have tried the gym. Don't like the treadmill. Don't like the machines. The weights are..yawn, yawn..BORING. I love to swim...BUT it's a bit chilly now..so maybe in the Spring I can start up again. I want to try road biking..BUT I am a bit scared of the cars on the raod. I LOVE running. Who would have thunk?!? NOT ME!!! It requires so much. First..the act of moving your legs. Second, the act of using your lungs. In the beginning all I wanted to do was throw up. My lungs hurt. My feet hurt. My neck hurt. My thighs hurt. I JUST HURT!! Why did I push through? Partly because I wanted to have something in common with my boy, Running Stud. We talked about mine and his distances and times. He wanted to know my successes. He gave (and still does) me pointers. It was (and still is) great to have running in common. Somewhere along the journey I started running for me. I loved being outdoors. I loved that my distances were getting longer. I like to compete..even though I don't compete to be number one, but rather to finish the race. I love the running gear. So, with the groin pain, I push through. With my MCL injured I am counting the days until I can run again. So, when my friend said today that we are getting old bodies..I giggled..but I have to say I am not going to let myself think I can't. My mantra: I think I can, I think I can from here on in.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. Have you ever been so sore from exercise that you can't get out of bed? A few years ago, I signed up for one on one with a personal trainer. I was at my first training session..and she worked me hard. I kept saying, "I Can't Do This!" She kept saying "I want no excuses..just do it." So I did it. I woke up the next morning with every muscle in my body aching. I had to roll out of bed. It took me five minutes to ease myself onto the toilet. I barely could raise my hand to wash my hair. IT WAS AWFUL. I WANTED TO KILL MY TRAINER!! I cancelled my next session because after a couple of days...I still had to roll out of bed, ease myself onto the loo and it hurt liked crap to wash my hair. ANNOYING!!! Do I have to pay someone to feel so bad? It didn't make sense to me. Oh, I forgot to mention that I wanted to throw up..and she smiled!!!!! After three weeks ( I am not exaggerarting!!!) of pain and cancelling my sessions..I quit. Yes I am a quitter...and I felt empowered.

Can you relate? More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day Eighty-One..If I Could Turn Back Time..Would I

2010-01-20T09:32:00.000-08:00

If I could turn back the hands of time…I would. I just want January 9-19 back so I could change some of the events that happened. One: my daughter going back to college. I love her independence. But I could have enjoyed a bit more time with her. The problem about her being a well rounded young woman is..she doesn't need to be with me all the time. I just wanted to spend more time window shopping, having our yummy lunches, getting our mani and pedi’s AND engulfing myself in her beautiful female energy. Now that she is gone…the testosterone energy in my house is alive and...well ...how can I put this…..larger than life. Spring break is around the corner. So I am counting the days.

My youngest son, Soccer Stud, broke his arm in two places on January 9Th. The good man from upstairs was watching over me because I was on a run when it happened. The thought of watching him scream out in pain is nightmarish to me. I was on my way to his game (a bit late) and and I called the hubby and he promptly said the ambulance was on the way, Soccer Stud broke his arm and I should meet him at ER. So, calm mommy(really I was!!!) went and stood buy her little guy for 5 hours. It’s so hard to watch a child in pain. I kept asking for the pain killer. It took at least an hour in a half for him to get some morphine. There’s nothing like that drug. He calmed down, sang a bit and we could be at ease until they had to sedate him for the resetting of his arm. So, four morphine shots, a sedation and a casting, we got to go home. Unfortunately for Soccer Stud, he had to get his arm recast four days later. That meant another trip to the hospital, sedation, a resetting and a new red cast.

We were supposed to all go to New York for a family event. Soccer Stud couldn't fly. I stayed home with him and we vowed to have a nice quiet fun weekend. I promised him a sushi night and Japanese food where they cook for you in the middle of the table. The hubby doesn't like to go because your clothes get super stinky. We both think its worth the stink. Our weekend was going as planned…fun…lots of hanging…sushi. We even watched The Jets VS chargers game from start to finish. After dinner we went for our yummy but stinky meal with another family. It was a rainy night so I was going ahead to get the car after dinner so Soccer Stud wouldn't get his cast wet. I opened the door of the restaurant, and BOOM..I slipped and my knee went one place while my leg went in another direction. I felt something and it was not good. I screwed up my MCL. So, here I am in a knee brace and on crutches. OMG. WTF. I can’t train for my ½ marathon. I'm not happy about that. I can’t go to the market. I am happy about that!! My family is waiting on me. I like that.

Why listen to Wolffie. Because I get it. I think there is a message here? Am I supposed to slow down? Should I be catching up on all the shows I have on Tivo? Should I read the four books I have had on my nightstand for months? Should I spend more individual time with my boys? Should I spend more one on one time with the hubby? Should I be more in the moment? Should I do my needlepoint and knitting projects that are waiting so patiently for me to finish? All these "should I's" sound warm and fuzzy.

The moral of the story is: There is no moral. Accidents happen. This one sucks. I guess that is a moral!!

Can you relate? More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day Eighty..What's All The Fuss About

2010-01-07T15:39:00.000-08:00

Hi.

Today was a doctor day. I took my three boys, 13, 13, and 12 to the pediatrician for their annual check-ups. I can't tell you how many times they asked me if the doctor was going to touch their penis. I said no each time and explained they are checking your balls(hope that doesn't offend anyone)..and it's just a quick check to see if they are functioning. OMG. You would think that the world was coming to an end. They must have amnesia about this because the ball checking has been happening since they were infants!!!! Maybe I should have told them about my bi yearly visits to the gynecologist for my pap smear. Or I could tell them about how my boobs get squished once a year for my mammogram.. Do you think they would want to know about how several doctors a year feel me up to make sure that the cancer has not come back?. Forget me, how about the prostate test their dad gets once a year. That would probably send them over the edge!! I know that nobody likes to have a clinical feel..I get it. It just caused me to giggle inside.Boys and their penis's are mystery to me! I am happy to report that my boys are all good..sacs and all. They have grown a ton, put on weight, have good heads on their shoulders, and are for the most part ( you know the constant bickering) are great kids. So I guess my hubby and I have done our jobs right so far.

After I dropped them off at school, I did a Major marketing. I had nothing in the frig or in our pantry. I must tell you that of all my so called jobs as a mother, I really don't like to go to the market. I like cooking and I like eating..but going up and down the isles to me is just ..I can't put it into words. Maybe its because I have so many choices. I wanted to buy Raisin Bran. Do I buy organic, plump raisins, whole wheat? What's a person to do?!? I just picked the one with the pretty purple box (it happened to be organic).

After the market I went to the orthodontist to see the plans for my twins braces.. OVERWHELMING!! The weird part is that my boys have the same exact mouth..bite, molars not quite in, and one wisdom tooth coming in. It's fascinating. They are identical twins..but in every day life they are so different. One is 5 inches taller and 14 pounds heavier so they don't always strike me as identical. I think I am going to have to get a part time job to pay for their beautification. Especially since my youngest will be in braces or a retainer in a few months as well. They are being so kind to giving us a payment plan. By the time we finish paying off their bills, they will be about to start college. Just writing this makes me want to go have a large frozen yogurt with sugar free hot fudge..but the thought of gas pains is discouraging me from this thought rapidly. Besides I can't escape the situation, can I?!?

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. I know that if you have read my blogs once or twice, then you will know that I like shopping. It's not the act of shopping that I like. I am not the type who likes to spend all day going from store to store browsing, having lunch, browsing some more and then going for the purchase. I am a "I HAVE to have ________NOW. I will go into a store, a couple if I have to..try it on (not much of an online shopper as I love to feel the clothing, purse, shoe, or handbag) and buy it. Yesterday, I had to buy one of my boys a new suit. He had outgrown his that I bought 6 months ago. I went to Nordies. I bought a beautiful DKNY suit and Nordie white dress shirt. It all cost $297.00. I felt desperate as we are going to New York next week for our nieces Bat-Mitzvah. That seemed like a chunk of change as he seldom wears a suit. I sauntered down to Macy's. They were having a sale!!!! I picked out a beautiful 2 piece Calvin Klein suit for $145.00 at regular price. It was 25% off. The dress shirt was $26.00 and also 25% off. The problem I faced was the pants were gone from the 2 piece set!! Where did they go? They weren't in the back stock room and they weren't on the sales floor. Where were they? Rose, my friendly sales associate, was just as perplexed as me!!!! I ended buying a sports jacket, dress pant, 2 dress shirts, 3 pair of Levis Super Skinny's on sale (their new favorites). All this cost $247 buckaroos!!! The end result? The suit looks dashing on my boy, two Levi's are going back as well as one dress shirt. Oh, The Nordies purchase? Gone back to its original home. Fabulous!!!!

Can you relate? More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Seventy-Nine.....People Come In And Out of Our Lives

2010-01-05T17:19:00.000-08:00

Hi.

I have been looking for my friend for about six years. She fell off the face of the earth. I knew she moved..but her cell changed as well. I tried to find her on My Space, Facebook..but she wasn't anywhere. I recently asked my hubby to post something on Facebook...none of the old cronies knew where she was. Today was a great day. My hubby comes into our room this morning..."Guess who friended me on Facebook today?" I had no clue. It was Susan!!!! I immediately sent her a message on Facebook and asked her to be my Facebook friend. We have talked several times today...time apart did not change the ease of our friendship. I am so happy that we are back in contact. I love when people come into my life after some time and they come back in with such ease and grace. I was so afraid that she had died as she has not been healthy. She is fine and her humor is there and so is her sweetness. She needed to go underground to heal. What a gift I got today.

Two of my boys want to quit middle school band. They don't like the songs they are learning and they think it is geeky. I am a component of not quiting in the middle of an activity or class.. They are at me every day to quit. I talked to the teacher today. She wasn't happy. She likes them and feels they are an asset to the program. Of course they are!! I don't want to fall prey to their pressure. I want to stick to my guns. If they quit this then will I be sending them a a message that it's okay not to follow through when things are boring? It's tough cuz the hubby is in agreement with them. He hated band as a kid too. I guess I am going to be the mean bitchy mom...but a lesson is a lesson. Following through builds character. I know they will not like me now, but later..like in a couple hours after I tell them "the news" they will be okay.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. I don't know about you..but once a month right before when I got my period..the world was dark and bleak. Everything bugged me...especially my poor sweet and kind hubby. It didn't matter what he said or did..I had dagger eyes and a bitchy tone to my voice. I can't imagine what my life would be like if I listened to my PMS thoughts. I would be alone, raising four kids, sad, lonely and lost. I am sooooooooooooo very happy and grateful that I didn't listen to my crazy mind..and I am sure he is too!! There is something to be said for menopause..I don't have the monthly glitches in my brain that want to lead me to the dark side!!!

Lesson: Don't quit on life, love, and music!!!

Can you relate? More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day Seventy-Eight...Sometimes I Have To Listen

2010-01-04T15:09:00.000-08:00

Hi.

I had an experience the other day day that I would like to share. It's something that sounds like "What's the big deal"..but to me it was a revelation.

I went for a trail run with my running pal, Pamela. We have been doing one trail run a week and I really have enjoyed the difference to running on the road. We are on target for our training for our 1/2 marathon in March, so we were doing a 6 mile run. Piece of cake. We started off and all was well. We were talking and catching up on our New Years Eve evenings and the updates on our kids. We passed our 2 mile marker and were going to run another mile out and then head back to our starting point. The trail was starting to get hilly and I was starting to get dizzy. "Push yourself Wolffie, you can do it". So I listened to my inner radio station called KF*CK. As the course was getting hillier I was getting dizzier. I yelled out to Pamela, "I gotta walk for a bit". I was not happy. I couldn't believe I had to stop running. My mouth was parched and I remembered that all the soda I had been drinking all week and the fact that I did not drink a lot of water before the run was taking its toll. If you don't treat your body like a temple then you are screwed. I proceeded to run again as we had turned around and we were running down hill. I GOT A MAJOR CRAMP. "Breathe through it Wolffie" So I tried. It wasn't going away. My inner voice became soft and loving "Walk Wolffie, just walk". I listened to that voice as my head and right hand were both tingling. I wasn't ready to faint on the trail. "Go on ahead Pamela, I am walking the rest of the way". She ran ahead and turned back to loop me to make sure I was okay. What a great partner!!!! When the end of the run was in sight I told her to go on ahead as I was better. The tingling had stopped. Usually when I am running on the trail, I am looking down on the path so I won't trip on a rock or branch. Now that I was walking, I was able to notice the varying shades of greens and oranges of the leaves, the shadows on the mountains and the structures along the trail. It was beautiful. It was magical. I felt so lucky to be in the moment noticing my surroundings and not being angry with myself for having to walk. There are good running days and bad running days..but it's kind of like lemons and lemonade...it's all in what you make it.

My lesson....eat healthy..drink water and be kind to your body. My body is sacred and I have to listen to it, honor it and treat it with respect.

Why Listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. I love my kids..I really do. I can't wait for vacation time. We can sleep in, see movies and not have to take them to their practices. It's chill time at our house. The first week of vacation was great. Our daughter came home from Boulder and were were all together once again. Then the, "What are we going to do today" starts kicking in. Where are we having lunch? Can we get our nails done? Can I wear your shirt? I don't want to see that movie. Can so and so sleep over? Can you take me here. Can you take me there? What am I? A bank? A bus stop? A chauffeur? (well that I know I'm that!!) All of a sudden my need for them to go back to school is STRONG. I feel guilty for feeling this way. I have come to realize that as good as the structure of the school year is for my kids..it is just as good for me. I don't work well with idle time for days in a row. It doesn't mean that I don't like to hang with my kids..I do...I really do..I seem to get a brain fart around holiday and summer and don't make some plans for them and myself ahead of time. Needless to say as my internal alarm clock sounded off this morning and I was getting the boys off to school.... I WAS IN HOG HEAVEN!!
Sh*t. I gotta go get the boys to do their homework. Did I say I liked the school schedule?!?!?!?!

Can you relate? More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day Seventy-Seven...Hello 2010

2010-01-01T08:31:00.001-08:00

Hi.

My last entry was eight days ago. Several times in this past week my head and fingers wanted to write, but my heart tugged at me to stay in the moment. I am glad I listened to my heart. This was a busy week with a lot of meaningful days.

For one, my birthday. I have been on this earth for 49 years and I have learned to celebrate my life with gusto. My demons of getting older have been laid to rest. I relish every wrinkle and accept with as much dignity and humor my muffin tops and my lack of a youthful body. I suppose that there is apart of me that loves the extra layer that keeps me warmer in the winter and out of a bikini in the summer. I could go full force and become an exercise junkie..but then I wouldn't be able to fit in all the dining with my girlfriends, running to the point of glee rather than exhaustion, working to get my my wardrobe consulting business off the ground, staying in touch with my daughter, hanging with my hubby, taking my boys to and fro and of course my writing. Not a bad way to live. I am filled with busy days with people that I adore and love and who adore and love me!!! Yipeee.

My hubby had a birthday this past week as well. His twin brother came to town and we had a great day. His kids surprised us the next day. So, we had days filled with family, which I love. There is nothing like being around family when it works. My kids love their cousins and vice versa. Age doesn't matter as they love to hang and be crazy. I got a bit overwhelmed at times with the crazy part..but they seemed to get it and settled down for a minute or two so I would get off their backs and proceed to have the crazies again!!!

The three year anniversary of my daddy's passing was this past week as well. This date looms over me all the days of December. How will I feel? What should I feel? This year we all went to the cemetery. I cried like a baby. My kids hugged me and my hubby let me feel the feelings of sadness. Something happened to me as I walked away from his resting place. I let go. My life has to move on. I can't be stuck in sadness. I have felt so afraid to let go. Maybe it was guilt, not fear. I am not sure how to label this one. All I know is that I didn't want to let go of my sadness because if I did then my dad would be gone. Poof. Absurd Wolffie. I think the suddenness of his death didn't give me time to prepare for the loss of him in my life, my moms life and my kids life. Are we ever ready to lose someone we hold so dearly? I don't think so. All I do know is that I am ready to look into the future and not dwell on the past.

New Year's Eve signifies reflection and partying at the same time. How does one do that? Whoo Hoo, I ate too much chocolate buts lets get down to Justine Timberlake? Lets Partay likes it 1999. Lets eat too much...drink too much and deal with it tomorrow. My feelings on the matter is..Why eat and drink more cause the scale is gonna tell you that you just added couple to the 5 you already want to lose? So, I eat normal and drink my water and diet coke and if I am really gonna go for it, I might have an iced tea so I can stay up until 12:00!!!

Last night was special. We went to our friends Wendi and Brian's. It wast just them and our boys. We had every intention of eating, playing some board games and being at home by 10:00 to beat the intoxicated drivers. Best laid plans. We ate a yummy meal, laughed our heads off, rang in the east coast New Year (9:00 pm our time), laughed some more, played Apples to Apples, laughed some more, rang in the actual New Year, laughed some more, and came home. It was the perfect way to ring in the new year. It was filled with love, laughter, light, and a promise for a good year to come. I wish this for all of you...love, laughter, light and a promise for a good year to come..oh yeah lets throw in some good health too!!! May we all be who we are meant to be.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. I was introduced to a new game on my IPhone, Words With Friends. It is like playing Scrabble. I am currently and playing with six people. You play one on one and it is ADDICTING. I tell myself that it is good for my brain (which it is I am sure!). Who am I kidding? I want to win!! So far that hasn't been the case. My pals come up with words I have never heard of and they are worth mega points. My kids laugh at me. They want to play my games and like any good mother would do...I say...NO WAY IT'S MY GAME!!!! What if they miss out on a killer word? What if they make it so my opponent gets a killer word? What if Wolffie? It's only a game...right? I am laughing at me right now!! My hubby is halfway between wringing my neck and thrilled because I can't chide him about his Crackberry addiction. Maybe I should start a Words With Friends 12 step program. I am powerless over Words With Friends and my life is unmanageable.....wait...before I do....is there anyone out there who has an IPhone who wants to play?!?

Can you relate? More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day Seventy-Six....Catching Up

2009-12-23T10:21:00.000-08:00

Hi.

I haven't blogged in several days. This past weekend was filled with family festivites and now that the kids are off on holiday, my routine is off track. It's kind of nice opening up my datebook to see no plans. I get to be lazy (it's 10:25 on a Wednesday and I am still in my Jammie's!). It;s great for the kid too. Even though I try not to over schedule them..they are always busy. With school ( a must), their sports (a must for my active testosterone boys) and religious school they barely have to sit their arses down to play Wii. So over the break we are trying to do a lot of chill'in. Our daughter is home..no school and finals are over!!!

How does one chill? My daughter is back from college. She took the furniture from her room to her house in Boulder. So, when she comes here, her suitcase (one of them ) stays in the middle of our kitchen/dining area. THIS ANNOYS ME TO NO END!! I politely and firmly told my hubby to move our armoire into her room so she could get her stuff in drawers. He put my sewing machine table (which hasn't been used in years) in our room to house our TV. Then a light bulb went off in my ever so smart head after speaking with a friend. LETS MOVE OUR FURNITURE AROUND!!! So.......when I get a bug up my ass, things are done lickity spilt. My boys helped me move a chaise and server in our room, move the sewing machine table to the side of our couch (threw a adorable tablecloth over it and no-one until now would ever have known it's a sewing machine), moved the china hutch where the server went, cleaned out my daughters closet from all my crap so she could have more room, and cleaned the linen and towel closet out. I got a lot done. My house feels less cluttered. My kids want to strangle me I am sure because now I want our house to REMAIN spotless which means they actually have to pick up after themselves!!!! I am about to get my tiny violin out and serenade them..poor darlings!!! I know this doesn't sound like chill'in day, but.....it felt oh so good.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. Closure has its up and downs. One door closes and another one opens. Shut yourself off from one experience and open up your heart for a new one. What happens if you are not ready and the door slams shut anyway? Heavy, heavy sigh. I have been holding on to my dad's tragic death for three years. Now, through an experience..his case on the accident is over ..solved...time to move on. How does one get over the shock? If I do, will I move on from being able to feel his presence and will my memories of him fade? I have been holding on so tight because I don't ever want to forget his face, his laugh, his cynicism, his roar, his love, his passion. I have chosen to hold on to the tragedy of his death like a little girl clutching her favorite blankie. If you take that blankie away from me...you take my security.... I beg to ask myself inner most self..does my security lie in others? If so, why? Aren't I secure within myself? Yes? But..I guess I was always my daddy's little girl. He could make me feel brave and he could make me feel tall, he could also make me feel small. He just helped make me ( mom too of course)!!! So, now I have to close the door of tragedy and welcome a new door..without my dad. I feel like a confused adolescent right about now.... Conflicted and dramatic. May his soul rest in peace and may my soul rest in the pure knowledge I was loved fully and completely by my dad and that I am still loved fully and completely by those I surround myself with..my beautiful family and friends. It's time to look toward the light not back into darkness. So, one door has shut and one door is opening. I am ready.

Can you relate? More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day Seventy-Five...It's A Beautiful Day

2009-12-18T11:36:00.000-08:00

Hi.

It's a beautiful day here in Sunny Southern California. I woke up (which is always a good thing), had a yummy cup of coffee and met my running pal Pamela for a run. I have been having some groin problems. My oncologist suggested I try running off road. There is less pounding for my hips which can lead to groin pain. Who knew?

When we first started out it was a bit cool. The sun was shining and the trail was muddy. My first reaction was to stop and go for a road run. I am so thankful that Pamela is easy going. She took a breath and assessed our situation. "Lets try it.We can always turn back". So that's what we did.

I am so thrilled that we continued as it is a beautiful run. The trees are tall and amazing. We didn't spot deer today but I heard rustling in the bushes. Nature was alive and I felt alive with it. Today we were more silent than usual. Partly because we had to be more aware of our surroundings as there were ditches and loose branches over the trail. I loved being in my head. I felt calm and I couldn't help but feel my senses. One minute I was cold and then we would run into a hot air pocket. One minute I wanted to turn around and in an instant I wanted to run forever. I loved hearing my heartbeat and hearing my footsteps as they pounded the dirt. I felt every part of my legs. I felt each breath as I took a breath in and out. I felt my sweat running down my face and I felt my quick dry clothes soak my perspiration on my body. I felt so aware. I don't feel these same sensations when I run on the road. It was awesome.

I feel so lucky to live in an area that on December 18 it is warm enough to rip my layers off and run with my shirt over my shoulders letting my muffin tops be exposed to the sun. How freeing is that?!? The overall elation about this experience is that I have no groin pain!!! This has been a joyous day so far.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. I have talked about my issues with drinking liquids before a run and my peeing problem!! I have tried to drink practically zero liquids before a run. I don't feel that is good for hydration or for my muscles. I have tried drinking an hour before a run and go to the little girls room before I leave. I have tried to not think about it and drink on the way to my run. The latter is not a good choice for me. I always pee on my run!! It's fine now because I am wearing long pants (usually black) that are quick drying..so I am no worse for the wear I guess. Today I peed. It's kind of funny. I have this inner dialogue with myself.. I will catch myself singing a Britney Spear's song..."Ooops I did again"! What am I supposed to do? Not run? Should I wear depends? I have to hydrate. I am resigned to the fact that I am a pee..er. Truth be told, I pee when I laugh. I pee when I drink too much at lunch and try to hold it in because I have to pick up the boys. When we get home, I sprint to the bathroom. I don't always make it. I guess I should treat myself like a toddler and keep a fresh pair of thongs and clothes in the car. OMG that's sounds too funny!!! LOL.

Moral of the story: I am who I am. Pee and all!!!

Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day Seventy-Four..Why Does Everything Cost Sooo Much?

2009-12-17T15:43:00.000-08:00

Hi.

Do you ever feel strangled by how much it costs to exist in the world? Now I have to consider the fact that I have a hubby, four kids, a dog, lots of family members (from me and my hubby), and lots of friends. It always seems like there is a birthday, a lost something, the need to get shoes, the need to get clothes, the need to buy groceries, the need to get a car fixed, the need to fix a broken window (thanks to balls flying into to them) and the need to be out in the world. It seems like money goes out faster than it comes in.

While we are on the subject...have you noticed that the prices go up for movies and the length of time is shorter? The prices are between $11.00 and $12.50 per ticket.. How much does it cost to make popcorn and put syrup in the carbonated water for sodas? It's a small fortune to buy popcorn, a soda and candy. Don't get me started on the candy. I take my boys to Rite Aid to get candy (which horrifies them). I can get them all candy for way less than it costs at the movies. We have to sneak it in (which always makes me sweaty and nervous). I always buy one large popcorn (with one free refill) and pour it into individual trays. I also buy 2 large sodas that we all "share". Barney taught us that "Sharing is Caring"!!! I share and my boys care (or should I say my 13 year old twins would rather have their own stuff...TOO BAD BOYCHICKS). My daughter used to be horrified until she got older (and wiser) and started paying for her own gas, food, etc!!!! My boys time will come that they will pay for most things.....that should be interesting!!!

When you buy bagged items from the market..the cost has gone up and the amount of food has decreased. Does this make any sense? This could be a new diet: AVOID BAGGED PACKAGES. In some ways this is brilliant because chip, cookies, kettlecorn, cereals (okay some are healthy) are all things that would be off the eating list. Granted produce has gone up..but at least "they" haven't managed to make tham smaller in size!!!

I started to think about all this because my daughter misplaced her retainers. They are not at her home in Boulder and they are not here in Los Angelos. Where can they be?!? It's a small fortune to replace them. Her teeth are so beautiful. Do I get them ( the retainers) or not? Do I risk having her teeth move? I am about to embark on my three boys getting braces next month. OUCH. The cost is going to be like a mortgage. I am exagerating, but that's what it feels like. Hmmmm. I know in the end she will get those damn retainers...it just stings right now with the holidays. Maybe that should have been one (or two) of her presents!! (side bar...my girl just called me and offered to pay for it herself....she is a sweetie..I know it will all work out for her not to)

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. I have been attemting to do some shopping online. It can be easy and I can shop at any time and I don't have to hassle the crowds. Inevitabley, I will have a question so I end up placing my order on the phone. I actually like that better because I like the humaness of it. So, I place my order and all is well....UNTIL they tell me how much the shipping is!!!! Most places now will charge by amount of purchase, not the weight of what you are buying. ANNOYING. Does a pair of pants really cost $14.00 to ship? It's insulting. I will cause a hissy fit and more often than not I will get free shipping. Sometimes on principle, I will not get the items that I want if they don't reduce or give me free shipping. Who am I hurting? ME....but PALEEEEESE...don't stick it to me baby. I can always drive to the mall!!

Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

On Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day Seventy-Three..Do You Believe

2009-12-16T17:08:00.000-08:00

Hi.

Do you believe in Angels? I do. I am not sure that they are the kind with wings and such. I believe that people come in my path to show me a better way to live. I think that angels present themselves in people, in situations that are just too "weird" to not be something divine. I often think my kids are Angels in disguise (only when they are acting oh so wonderful). They teach me things about life that I would never have dreamed I needed to learn. What you might ask? Well, how to love unconditionally for starters. I love them to my core and don't expect anything back. That's not entirely true I suppose. I would like a kiss, a hug and to be treated with respect. Is this too much to ask?!? My kids have taught me to change the things that I don't like about myself so I can be a better mom and person. What could THAT possibly be? Patience, patience, patience. ( oops I just yelled at my boy) My first instinct is to get pissed off...(which I just did), so I have learned to take a lot of deep breaths (which I did not just do). I have learned to say I am wrong when I have hurt their feelings ( I just did that). That's a big one (yes it is). ADMIT I AM WRONG?!? It is so freeing (yes it is). My kids want to please me so they always say, "It's okay Mommy" ( he did not just do this). I could just leave it there...I can't. "NO, what I did was not okay and I want you to know that I know it wasn't cool". The relief in their eyes and face makes me assured that they will have less time on the psychologist couch because I know how to admit my mistakes (yes I do). It also teaches them that they can admit their mistakes too (and they do). It's a win, win ( cha-ching). My kids have taught me to be honest, NOT "do as I say not as I do". Rest assured that between my four kids they are always reminding me that I said this and that. It can be tiring. They keep me on my toes!!! It's not always easy taking the high road..but it's so much better not have to watch your back. My Angels have taught me not to give up. How can I give up when they are encouraging me to push through. One of my boys cheers me on when I am running. "Go Mom..Go...pick up the pace". What I want to say is...."I f*ing can't go anymore. I want to stop running right now. Leave me alone." What I do say is..."I'm doing the best I can". I finish the run (or race) and pride is in those boys eyes. Now that's an Angel.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. I have not had a piece of chocolate, candy,muffin, cake or doughnut for about 2 years and 4 months (but whose counting!). I can't eat that stuff. Once I have one bite..I want to eat more and more and more. I can never get enough. I eat that stuff until my stomach looks like I am 9 months pregnant and I feel DISGUSTING. Today, I was with my friend at Target. She was having a hankering for Ghiradelli's Chocolate Peppermint Bark Candy. We walked to the holiday aisle where all the sweets were. Usually when I pass buy this aisle, I have no desire what so ever to purchase and eat. NOT TODAY!!! Those cookies and candies were calling to me, "Wolffie, come eat me..I taste sooooooooooooooooooo good"! Can you imagine this conversation in my head? How absurd. It was happening though. WALK AWAY FROM THE EVER SO TEMPTING AISLE. I did..but my mind kept thinking about those damn cookies and chocolate bars. Then an "Angel" came to me in the way of a cute pair of Jammie's. I immediately changed course in my brain and thought, "Now those are CUTE Jammie's". I don't NEED new Jammie's. Nothing was bought (or eaten). We're talking progress here my friends!!!!!

Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wendy

Day 72..It's All About Perspective

2009-12-15T17:01:00.000-08:00

Hi.

Today I had my oncology appointment. No big deal. I go every three months to check my tumor marker and I have been great for 8 years, even with being on Hormone Replacement (that's why I go every 3 months).

I got to my appointment on time and I sat down in the waiting area until I my name was called. No big deal. After about 25 minutes there was no name calling for me going on. I started to get restless. I went to talk to the receptionist who politely replied, "We don't have you down for lab work today". My temperature was rising. "I come every three months for labs, why isn't it in my chart". I could go on about the circles that developed in our conversation which basically ended in a dead end and I feeling like a bitch. My blood was drawn 20 minutes later after I felt anxiety about being there too long. It's hard to walk in the oncology office. There is so much sickness. I walk in healthy and young looking. No one wants to have any eye contact with me or receive my, "I have been there just hang in there" smile. I can't blame them. It's tough because they are fighting so hard and I am clearly not. I feel guilty and grateful at the same time. My name was finally called and I got to see my doctor. That's where the miracles always happen. He makes me feel safe and my anxiety always goes away.

I brought a little gift to my nurse, the scheduling secretary and my oncologist. I took a deep breathe and let go of the last 45 minutes and gave the nurse her gift. Her eyes lit up, a huge smile came onto her lovely face and she hugged me so tight. My doctor came in and I gave him the peace sign ornament that I picked out for him. "I wanted to give you this because you have brought me peace in my life". He was touched and he told me that his family was decorating the tree this evening and how much the ornament meant to him. I in return said "You mean so much to me". The scheduling nurse loved her gift as well. In a scary world of cancer these three people have brought me comfort and joy and a chance to live a full rich life. Get over yourself dear Wolffie and be grateful that you can sit for 45 minutes and know when you leave the office you will leave a healthy exuberant woman.

I drove home and had time to kill before a lunch date. I dropped my rings off at our local jeweler to get steamed cleaned. I noticed that the sales associate helping me was wearing a pink ribbon pin. I commneted how beautiful it was..."Are you a survivor" I asked? "I will be"! She told me she is having surgery on December 30. She will probably have radiation and no chemo. I was able to share that I am 9 years out. We hugged. We cried. I told her I would pray for her. What a blessing to have walked in the store get my rings cleaned. I rarely do that!!!!

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. I can overwhelm myself with feelings...good or bad. Today I had so many mixed emotions going on between my doctors appointment and the jewelry store. I meant Pamela, my running partner (and good friend), for a meet in the middle celebratory birthday lunch. Hers was around Thanksgiving and mine is Christmas Eve. We rarely get gussied up and eat a meal together. Most days when we hang out we are usually sweaty after a run and we might get a quick cup of coffee before we go on with our days. So, this was special and I was not going to be late (as I always am when we run). I sat at the table first and realized that this was the table that my daddy and I always sat at when we went for our "special but not always something to celebrate" lunches. It felt comforting after a roller coaster of emotions morning. Pamela walked in, we exchanged gifts (for running) and we had a lovely, fancy adult lunch. I feel so blessed to have her in my life. She pushes me to achieve farther distances in running. She helps me examine my life and helps me make choices that are positive for me and my family. She giggles at me which allows me to give myself a break. I can't imagine having anyone else as my running partner and dear friend.

Moral of the day: When life throws you a curve ball..catch it..throw it out into the universe and
allow for changes to come in. Blessings come when you least expect them.

Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

in Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day Seventy-One..Tis The Season To Be.....

2009-12-14T15:28:00.000-08:00

Hi.

There's something about the holidays that makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. I love buying gifts for my loved ones. I love the colder weather. I love the winter break from my kids school so we can chill and not have our usual hustle and bustle life. I love the holiday songs. I love the idea about drinking hot tea, eggnog, and all the family rituals that come around this time of year.

What I don't like about this time of year is that people get rude and cranky. People do not act like the Hallmark adds I see on T.V.! What happened to holiday spirit?!? I was shopping the other day and I was about to get a prime parking spot. This person cut me off and took my spot!!! OMFG!!! Should I get out of my car and give them my two cents about being polite? No, parking karma will get them back. I just fumed all by myself and got a parking spot REALLY FAR AWAY!! I chalked it up to being able to have an extra potato pancake at our Hanukkah feast (which I didn't end up having..I opted for a larger frozen yogurt that night!!).

I mentioned how I love to give gifts. I do..I really do. My kids get the brunt of my "over controlling this is what you are going to open first gift says I the BIG KAHUNA mommy". I would like to say that is because I get them gifts that are similar, which is true, but it is really because I want to control their "you are the best mom (and dad) ever for getting me this awesome gift" feeling. Is it really a big deal if they open up what they want and the other kids see what they "might be getting"? Tonight is the 4th night of Hanukkah. We get each of our kids 5 gifts and I am going to "let them " pick whatever they want. I am sure this is going to makes my a*s feel tight...but I am going to do it. I am going to have to take a deep breathe and not open my mouth. I know they will ask "Which one should I open Mommy"? I am going to say......................"Whatever you want". I am sweating just writing this!!! I have to get over myself because the gift giving isn't about only "MY" happiness...it's really about "THE JOY ON THEIR FACES!! Right?!?

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. Several years ago we decided to give our boys a Tether ball for a gift. They loved to play it every day on the school playground. What a "perfect gift"...right? My hubby bought the pole and the Tether ball accoutrement's. He decided that he wanted to install it himself, so he went to Home Depot and rented a cement drill!!! Can you picture my 5'6'' hubby on a cold winter night drilling in the dark? In the morning I woke up to see the Tether ball in place..and it was crooked!!! Like a mom who wants the gift to be perfect, I commented (in not a very nice tone), "You're going to have to do it again". Where was the "Great job Honey. The kids are going to love it"? I couldn't get those simple words out of my mouth. My kids woke up and a squeal came out of everyone of their mouths. THEY LOVED IT. Do you think that they noticed the pole was a bit off? NO THEY DIDN'T. Instead they saw a labor of love from their dad. Hours and hours were played with the crooked Tether ball. Who do you think was right in their opinion? Certainly it wasn't me!!!!!!

Moral of the story: The gift of giving is in the love and thought put into it..not always in the execution.

Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day Seventy..Life Lines

2009-12-11T16:42:00.000-08:00

Hi.

I got my new drivers license in the mail today. I must say that after 10 years between pictures, I look pretty darn good!! If I were to nit pick , I could say that the my lines are a little deeper. Shouldn't there be deeper life lines? I mean these past ten years have been big years. I was diagnosed with cancer, we moved and had a lifestyle change, my hubby changed careers, my daughter became a teenager (that's enough to have deep lines!), we raised three toddler boys to teenagers (that's enough to have deep lines!), I went through menopause (that's enough to have deep lines!), my daddy died (that's enough to have deep lines!) my daughter became a bat-mitzvah (that's enough to have a permanent smile line!), my twin boys had a b'nai mitzvah(that's enough to have a smile line), and all my kids were active in sports after a sports after sports (that's enough to have gray hair and lines!).

The point I am trying to make here is that I lived life. I have had great moments, scary moments and fantastic moments that all deserve a deep line and a wrinkle here or there. Call them badges of honor if you will. I can name when I got each one and they all have tremendous meaning..so I can't botox them or fill them away. I feel like my life experience would be wiped clean. I don't want a clean slate.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. A few weeks back, I wrote about putting my new weight on my drivers license. At the time I was gungho about being honest and empowered. I kind of wained a bit as my appointment at the DMV got closer. Who really NEEDS to know my true weight but me? I thought about if I got into a car accident and they needed to give me medicine. Wouldn't they need to know my actual weight to formulate the correct dosage ( how did I even think about that?!?)? My number was called, I took my eye exam, and paid my fees. At the last second I told the DMV associate, "My weight has changed". "Oh, just put the change right here darlin". That's it. No big announcement on the loudspeaker that said, "Weight change at window 27". She didn't praise me for my honesty. She didn't give me the once over to see how much bigger I looked (baggy shirt!!). NO BIG DEAL. I suggest you try it some time.

Moral of the story: No one gives a rats ass about my physical appearance more than me.

Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day Sixty-Nine..The Sexes Are Different

2009-12-09T16:09:00.000-08:00

Hi.

I am finding there is such a difference between teenage boys and girls. I like to be apart of my boys conversations. I am having a problem. First I have to get through the mumbling. Why do boys mumble? I don't get it. Besides not having to repeat themselves several times, what they are trying to say gets lost because of my impatience or loss of desire to know what they are trying to tell me. As I write this, this sounds pretty harsh. I DO care what they are doing in their lives, I just can't seem to get past their delivery!! I try to tell them to speak clearer, stop mumbling or please can you start the story again. They get super ANNOYED. They think I don't CARE. It's a total drag...we are caught up in the disconnect of mom language and teenage boy language.

The needing to be physical is a big difference as well. My boys are always trying to one up each other with whose a faster runner, whose a better soccer player, who pees longer and louder, who brushes their teeth better and so on and so on. Sometimes it's funny though...is it really awesome to have stinkier farts and louder burps?!? LOL!!

I picked up my 3 boys from school today along with 3 other boys. Besides the loud noise and boy smell, they are so funny to listen to. They talk about who likes what girl(which is not always true..they say it to get a rise out of one of them) how they are better than the others in everything. No-one seems to mind because they are thinking of things to one up the one who just tried to diss them!!!! It's like verbal ping pong!!!!

Lets talk about girls. I know that we girls are not saints..trust me drama exists between females. It is different though. There might be some harmful words followed by a tearful I am sorry. When my daughter and her friends got into my car after a full day of school, I smelled perfume!!! Girls giggle about cute boys and want to know all the details of the crush. They also try not to be the best at burping and farting even though it happens amongst us girlies. My daughter and her friends always had (and still do) deep conversations and they cared about each others successes and were there for the failures.

I am not saying that my boys and their friends don't care about each others highs and lows in life. They might give a punch instead of a hug and a "sorry dude" instead of a long conversation. Is one way better than the other? That's hard to say. Most men will say that women are overly analytical and dramatic. I like to think of us as sensitive and caring. Most women will say that men are distant and unemotional. Tomatoe Tomato Potatoe Potato...Whose right? Whose wrong? I am going to be comfortable with saying we are just.....different.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. I feel like I bashed the male species today. I love my hubby. I love my boys. I love men. In this blog entry, I put women on a pedestal..and I probably should come clean. Girls and women can make me CRAZY. I am not always a peach either. The difference is that I understand the inter workings of most women. I did something rash today because I am an emotional female. I resigned from a board position because of words spoken. Should I have quit without sleeping on it? Probably not. Call me sensitive. Call me a hothead. Okay, just call me a female!!!

Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

in Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day Sixty-Eight..I said Brrrr..It's Cold Out Here

2009-12-08T16:02:00.000-08:00

Hi.

I was talking with my daughter yesterday as she was walking home from class. She is in Boulder, Colorado and we are in Southern California. Yesterday was a cold rainy day here and I was kind of pissed because I had just come back from Florida where it was rainy and cold. I yearned for our Southern California "mild winter". Anyways, back to my conversation with my girl. She was really cold. The temperature said it was 3 degrees. Wow, that's a bit nippy!! She was going to climb into bed to get warm and confided that she was going to wear the long brown down jacket I MADE HER BUY last year when she started her freshman year. "You will need this when it's cold". She was truly mortified with the purchase. She also didn't want to buy the after ski boots with cozy fur inside that I MADE HER BUY either!! "Everyone's gonna know I am from California when I wear this stuff". My response...."And"?!? Lets just say that her new roomie who was from New Jersey wanted to buy the stuff we had just purchased!!! Fast forward to a year later:"Mom I have to admit that I am going to wear the brown coat later today". I was speechless. Do I needle her and say "I told you so"? That would not be very nice. Instead I yelled out a huge "I told you so scream"!!!! It was very satisfying. We both laughed and moved on to a different topic.

Why don't our kids just come to terms with "Moms know best"? I am going to be 49 in a few weeks and I still have that " I know it all and you don't" attitude when I don't like a suggestion that my mom will give me. She is usually right!!! I know that we all want to have our own identity and our own opinions..but do we have to fight against common sense? It gets butt cold in Boulder, Colorado..why not be prepared?

Today in beautiful Southern Cal it was 32 degrees at about 8:30 when I went for my run. Did I bring gloves or a hat? No. Was I cold? Yes. My face and lips burned a bit. It felt good to feel the cold. It was invigorating. When I got home, I took a shower, got dressed and stepped outside to start my day. I had to go back inside and add another layer!! Yippee. I hope we have a cold winter. It is so much fun bundling up!!!

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. When my husband and I moved to New York, I was sooooooooooo excited. Coming from Southern Cal, we really only have 2 seasons. Being the fashionista that I am, I couldn't wait to get all the paraphernalia for a brisk fall and cold winter. I bought beautiful scarves,coats, gloves, sweaters and shoes. I was set and I was going to look good!!!! The fall came and I was in heaven. The winter came and I was so excited for the first snow. I stuck my tongue out to feel the cold snow. I was elated how silent snowflakes are when they fall from the sky. It was incredible. I felt like a little kid. It was new and I couldn't wait for the next snowfall. These feelings got old quickly as the winter was one of the coldest NYC had had in many years. Screw the snowflakes, screw my face feeling brisk. I walked around doubled over murmuring "I'm cold. I'm cold. I'm cold (no sh*t Sherlock, who wouldn't be!)." I thought if I said my little mantra, it would make me feel warm. NOT. The only thing that my mantra did was make my hubby laugh, so all was not lost. I still say my mantra to this day when I am cold. It doesn't help me feel warmer but it gets a chuckle from the hubby!! So, today as I feel so thoroughly excited about the cold and yearn for this weather to last for awhile, I know that soon I will be counting down the days when I can strip down to my bikini (who am I kidding..my one piece will do!). Until then, I will bundle up and forgo my frozen yogurt for a hot cup of tea!! Cheerio!!

Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day Sixty-Seven...A Priceless Holiday

2009-12-07T15:30:00.000-08:00

Well, I have been on hiatus from blogging after I ranted on how I wanted to stay true to myself and write. It’s not because I was backing out on my word. I went on a vacation with one of my twin boys. It was a vaca for me, but he was running a National Cross Country Race in Orlando, Florida. As most of you know, Florida is commonly known as the sunshine state. It was cold and rainy. Sunshine or not, we did not let that stop us from having fun.

I thoroughly enjoyed hanging out with my 13 year old boy. Who would think that we could agree on what to eat, when to shop (outlet mall for cold rainy gear!), and what rides to go on at Disneyworld? I was the one who had to be more agreeable. At home when I am with my brood, I have to admit that I can be the “controlling mom who likes to have her way because that keeps me sane”!! On our trip, I could let go and just be. So, I went on the scary rides (anything with a roller coaster). My boy held my hand and I screamed my head off. We held hands throughout the trip and my boy actually kissed and hugged me in front of his peers!!! OMG, DID THAT FEEL GOOD!!! I can’t tell you how many times he told me that this was such a great trip. " Thanks Mom. This trip was so much fun. I am glad you brought me here”. Am I dreaming? No. Am I elated? Yes. Do I want to do this again? For sure.

I am proud of my boy to boot. He ran his heart out. He placed well. He was happy with his race. He was confident. This is a journey he is carving out for himself. We are just along for the ride. It is a great ride. It has its bumps along the road, but there are lessons he is learning that I can’t teach him. It’s a marvel to watch his head compute statistics (definitely not my skill) and to watch him run sends chills down my spine. This is the boy who had open heart surgery at 12 weeks of age. It truly teaches me that all is possible. All we must do is open our hearts and our minds and situations come to us. We must dive in spite of our fears and know that no matter what, we learn and grow and something will “stick”. I lost years of writing because I was not open to learn and explore. I was into FEAR. My boy teaches me by example to “GO FOR IT”. Does he get nervous and feel like he might not succeed in a race? Most definitely. Does he race in spite of his fear? Yes. He has taught me to keep my eyes open because you never know who your mentor will be. He is mine.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. I LOVE Tinkerbell. I relate to her being feisty. She was a protector of Peter pan. As a kid, I loved her because she had magical powers. I wished I had fairy dust and could fly around and wave my wand. As an adult, I related to her wanting to protect those she loved. When it came time to buy gifts for the family, how could I not buy something with Tinkerbell for me?!? I bought a coffee mug that replaced the one I broke several years ago. And then I saw a snow globe Tinkerbell!! When you shook it it had fairy dust stars!! I thought it would be perfect for my desk, perfect to shake when I had writers block. I knew her "fairy dust" could help me create (I would just close my eyes and believe). We got to the airport and were going through security. "Miss is this your backpack"? "Yes sir it is". "I am going to have to ask you to pick up the rest of your belongings and meet me over here". Oh sh*t. What did I pack? "Is there anything in here that could cut me"? "I have a shot glass (for my hubby's espresso collection!!) and a mug and snow globe". "Ma'am, the snow globe contains liquid. We are going to have to confiscate this or I can escort you to the Disney Store and you can return it.". My heart sunk because I knew Tink was not coming home with me.

Moral of the story: When they mean no liquid on an airplane, snow globes apply.

Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie
.

Day Sixty-Six...Time Flies

2009-12-02T10:42:00.000-08:00

Hi.

I can't believe it has been so long since I have sat down to write. Where does the time go? I can tell you that I have not been sitting on my padded tush eating bonbons and watching soap operas, although that does sound like fun (especially the bonbon part). In between hanging with my daughter, going to the movies with my boys, entertaining house guests and getting back into the swing of our early morning school days, I have not had any time to myself. Need I mention the after school activities..school reports, shelping to various practices, trying to attend to my new running injury (all is well there). I have been busy. Could I have written at a different time than I usually write? Totally. I am a creature of habit. I don't like to write in the morning (like I am now) as I don't have stories to share ( bull crap) So much evolves in my day that is good fodder for blogging (yawn). Is this my real reason? If I am to be completely honest.... this is part of my M O. I start something and am really gung ho about it. I find myself slowly stopping what I enjoy. "I have to take the kids", "I have to go to the market", I have to.....do you get the picture? I don't follow through. I love writing. It makes me feel whole. It makes me feel like I am honoring who I am. It makes me smile. It makes me laugh. It makes me honest. It makes me feel accomplished. THEN WHY DO I SABOTAGE? Fear of failure? Fear of success? I can go around and around trying to "figure" me out. Who has the time? I certainly don't. All I know is that if I put it in print..then I am going to work through my "stuff". So...here it is:

I Wolffie, will not stop writing. I will write this blog even if I have only a few sentences to put down. I will write my novel that I have been in fear about. I will be the best Wolfiie I can be. I will honor my commitment to myself. I will not always want to..but I will.

Okay now.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. I GOT MY CHANEL BAG AS A GIFT!!!!!!!!!!!! Can you believe it? I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo excited. I feel Grand. I don't know about you, but I love to have something to look forward to. I will miss my "visits" to the Chanel Boutique at Neiman's. Maybe I should channel my obsessions inward toward my creativity. I love to be creative, but the feeling is different. One is pure (creativity) and one is decadent (pining for some outside thing). So...why not do both?!?!?!?!?!!? Today I committed to writing. Now I will have to find a new object to "visit". I will keep you posted.

Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day Sixty-Five..Family..Food..Priceless

2009-11-27T12:52:00.000-08:00

Hi.

I am STUFFED!!! I feel like I ate whole container of kosher salt. My rings are tight, my face feels PUFFY and I don't really want to eat for a week. It was worth every bite. I didn't really eat a TON of food. I am usually not a carb loader..BUT the stuffing was delectable and my hubby made three types of mashed potatoes....the traditional plain, sauteed onion a garlic and horseradish. Can I brag a bit?!? My turkey was moist, seasoned just right and the skin was crispy. Truly a wonderful meal. The company was nice. No family drama, just nice conversation, funny stories and a lot of love. The only thing missing was my brother and his family being out of the country and not with us and of course I missed my daddy. I believe his spirit was with us. There is something about this holiday that is so wonderful. It is filled with tradition, reflection about what is important to each one of us with family and loved ones surrounding you.

Today is my dad's birthday. I went to the cemetery with my mom. It wasn't sad as I thought it would be. My mom and I reminisced and told great stories about my dad. It was loving and intimate. We actually laughed at some of my dad's antics. The anticipation was far more emotional than the visit to the cemetery.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. So, I think I mentioned in a earlier blog that Thanksgiving is not my usual holiday that I host at my home. I think I know why. My hubby, daughter and I moved back to California 18 years ago. I really wanted to entertain my family. We had my family and my hubby's family for Thanksgiving. We made most of the dinner. My table was set with my fine china, wine glasses, cloth napkins and beautiful flowers.. Martha Stewart...really had to move over. Imagine a quality Leave It To Beaver setting. My brother in law Bobby was the turkey carver. My dad had handed him the honors...and important honor. The turkey was done...cooled and ready to be carved. The most awful thing happened...IT WAS RAW. HORROR!!!!!!!!! We had to microwave the turkey. I was appalled. Martha Stewart was silently gleaming in her beautiful home in Connecticut!!! I never did Thanksgiving again until this year. Could it be that they didn't like raw turkey?!? Well lets just fast forward 18 years later why don't we?....My sis in law might have to hand over the reigns of our Thanksgiving feast!! I was sweating bullets..but there was no need. It was perfect this time around!!! Okay, so I won't really take over this holiday... it's my sister in laws favorite. I'll take the kudos from last night and I have a call into Martha... move over baby, THE QUEEN IS BACK!!!!!

Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back foe more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day Sixty-Four..The Holidays Are Here

2009-11-25T15:42:00.000-08:00

Hi.

My table is set. My turkey is seasoned and ready to go. I forget to eat breakfast. I am super edgy. I yelled at my kids. The Holidays are here!!! I sat my four kids down and tried to explain why I become "super stressed out and get out of my way" mommy when I am getting ready to entertain. I want our home to be welcoming. I want our home to feel warm and cozy ( it always does feel that way..I just add some extra touches). My youngest son's response, "If family and friends are coming over, why do you have to make it more special? They know us and love us". Point taken. I took a modified poll and asked if my friends become like me when they are having guests for the holidays and special occasions. Not on person admitted to being calm!!! I love having people in my home. Is it relaxing for me? NO. Do I have a full conversation with anyone? Not very often. Does it give me pleasure to have the holidays? I like the tradition. I don't have "fun", but I know that my guests are having a "fun" time.

Truth be told, there is more to my change of mood. The holidays have changed for me since my daddy passed away. There is a void that can't ever be replaced. There is laughter and conversation...but it is not his. His birthday falls around Thanksgiving. This year it is the day after. My heart feels heavy. I will put on a brave face tomorrow. I will smile, laugh but I will be crying on the inside. Will this pain ever go away? I am thankful for my time with him. I am thankful for my health. I am thankful for my family. I am thankful for my wonderful hubby who accepts all aspects of me (there are many!!). I am thankful to my kids because they look at me with love most of the time. I am thankful that I am writing again.

What are you thankful for?

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. I went "browsing" today for a new pair of jeans. Do I need a new pair of jeans? No. As I was trying on jeans, I was having major dialogue with myself. "What are you doing? You don't need these jeans. Why do I have muffin tops? Nothing looks good on me? Walk away from the jean department."

I did walk away. No purchase was made. The experience made me want to do 1000 crunches so my stomach would become flat instantaneously. By the time I got to the car, the thought of crunches was totally out of my head and I wanted to go home, write in my blog and have a nice cup of hot tea. So much for the flat tummy!!!

Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day Sixty-Three...Hustle And Bustle...Love It

2009-11-24T16:31:00.000-08:00

Hi.

I have three college girls in my room while I am blogging. They are being loud and teasing me. All I want is quiet..and they are giggling fools. I need to concentrate. I have a huge grin on my face. There is nothing like laughter. Should I kick them out? Can't do it. I have to covet all the female energy I can while my girl is home from college. It's Thanksgiving time. Family and friends are coming to my house. I don't usually cook for this holiday, so I am a bit NERVOUS!!! My hubby and I trade off between whose family we are spending Thanksgiving with. This year it is my side of the families turn. My sister in law usually has the honors, but they are visiting their son in Portugal (Lucky!!!). Sooooooooooooooooooo, the turkey, stuffing and mashed potatoes fall on my shoulders. This crowd...love them....BUT they expect the best as my sister in law has spoiled all of us with her rocking cooking. I do love to set a table..well the end result. I can be a bit cranky when I am setting it. I need quiet and that's an impossibility in our house!!! Right now as I am writing this there are two or three conversations going on. Would I trade the hustle and bustle of my home life? No. I feel so blessed to be here. I feel blessed that my daughter and her friends like to hang out with me. They are so fun. It makes me feel young. It makes me feel current.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. I am the first to admit that if I want something and my head just can't give it up..I can be a manipulator. My daughter on the other hand is the Princess of getting what she wants. My daughter asked my boy, "Can I try on your shirt"? "Okay I guess" She tries it on. It looks cute. "Can I borrow it"? "Sure." Because I have used this tactic..I knew she was going to wear his flannel shirt from the second she asked him the question in her "sweet I am going to get my way for sure" voice. One of the things about being the only sister in the family does have its advantages.

Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day Sixty-two..Celebrate Life

2009-11-23T18:11:00.000-08:00

Hi.

It only takes a millisecond to have your life change. Well at least that's what happened to me. "You have Cancer". November 23, 2000. That's a day I will never forget. In the back of my head I had a feeling the doctor would tell me that my biopsy came back with those haunting words. Time stopped. I never fully understood how slow time can really be. The second hand of the clock on the wall of the doctor seemed to be moving in slow motion. But was it? We are all so busy in our lives, can we ever fully understand time? Those three words, YOU HAVE CANCER have impacted me and my family and friends forever.

I understand the importance of not wasting time ie "One day I will... Why not do "whatever" now? I understand the feeling of being fearful of dying. Why not live to the fullest everyday? I understand the pain of my family seeing me go through surgeries, treatments and depression. It made me realize through the pain in their eyes the need for me to fight like hell, be positive and remain positive after my year long ordeal was over and the reality of the situation was all I could think about. I understand that simplicity is far easier to maintain than complexity. I understand that I am so fortunate to have friends that rallied with us and made our life easier. I understand that I am one lucky woman. Nine years cancer free. Yipeeeeee!!!

I have one more thing to add....please have your loved ones and yourself get mammograms at forty and beyond. I am that statistic..that 1 in 1500 that got diagnosed at 39. I am the woman who would probably not be sitting here at my computer being grateful that I am alive and kicking. Please fight with me. Let your voice be heard. Let your senator and congressman know that we will not tolerate being invisible.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. I had lunch today with a dear friend who shares the same day of breast cancer diagnosis with me. She is five years cancer free. She is a beautiful soul. I am lucky to call her my friend. It's amazing what situations in life bonds people together. We have been friends longer than five years..but both being breast cancer survivors solidified us as BCBFF (breast cancer best friends for life). We understand the fears of thinking we would not raise our children. We understand the need talk freely to each other about our trials and tribulations with having gone through the process of our treatments. We understand the joys of life. We understand the need to be the best we can be without being stressed ( not always obtainable). We understand that we are blessed. Happy days ahead for us, I know.

Moral of the story: Stop. Breathe. Hug someone you love. Be free to be the best you.

Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day Sixty-One..Trying To Fit It All In

2009-11-20T17:31:00.000-08:00

HI.

I have not been able to blog because my kids have kept me really busy. I guess I shouldn't complain, but I really missed writing. It's hard to juggle my days sometimes and I was a bit resentful yesterday when my son volunteered me to get supplies for their school project. I had a car full of boys in the car. I had to get them home, write in my blog and leave for a Stop Cancer awards dinner. Doctors were receiving grants for their ongoing research for all types of cancers. I didn't have time to go to get supplies. I threw a minor tantrum, got the supplies anyways and got my frozen yogurt for after the awards dinner. I just didn't get to blog. The thing that I have to remember is that the boys are having their pals come to our house. I get to hear about their days, listen to what's going on at school. I kind of feel like I am a fly on the wall!!! I was thrown a curve ball and I didn't handle it in the best way.

It's amazing on what is happening to find cures for cancers. These incredible doctors ( both men and women) are devoted to finding cures, prolonging lives and ultimately trying to have higher survival rates for all cancers. I was able to sit at dinner with a leading doctor who is a specialist in breast cancer. He developed a medicine that is apart of many women's protocol for breast cancer. I asked him about my hormone therapy. He didn't like the idea that I was on it. No big surprise to me. He gave me a name of a doctor who could give me alternatives to taking hormones. I have to investigate. If I could feel sane and not be on hormones..then I will do it. The key here is sanity. I don't want to be the insane wife and mommy that I was without hormones. Menopause is a bitch (at least it was for me) and I can't let that define me. I don't like being a super bitch. I got this twinge of fear that I might get cancer again if I stay on estrogen. It didn't feel good. I haven't felt that way in a very long time. I want to be there for my kids. I want to see them graduate college, get married and have kids. I want to be apart of it all. I just want to be graceful about it. No hormones equals erratic behavior for me. I am hoping that there is a different solution so I can have it all...grace..health..long life..and peace.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. I can't tell you how happy I am that my girl is back for Thanksgiving break!!! There is FEMALE energy back in our house. Yipeeeeee!! Don't get me wrong..I love all my guys. They bring laughter, noise, bickering and fun to our household. Lets just say they are a lively bunch!!! They make me want to duck out from time to time and meet my girlfriends for a 5:00 Cup o Joe. Today was a perfect day in the life of having a daughter. We went to the 10:00 am showing of New Moon. There must have been 4 previews of chick flicks that my girl and I wanted to see. All we had to do is lock eyes to know that we were going to see the movies together. Words weren't necessary. We loved the movie. It was a chick flick to the max. Romance, passion. tension, some laughs, beautiful scenery and cute clothes. I can't forget to mention bare chests can I?!? After the movie, we went to our favorite local healthy restaurant. We ran into people, schmoozed a bit and then went shopping!!! We didn't get anything, but we went shopping at a girlie store!!! I am sighing with complete satisfaction right now. Tonight we are going to a play, Beauty and the Beast at our local high school. What a difference a day makes!!!!

Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day Sixty...Are You Thinking About Our BOOBS Or Your Bottom Line?

2009-11-17T15:25:00.000-08:00

Hi.

I can't help but wonder where I would be right now if I did not have my baseline mammogram at 38 and my next one at 39? I was diagnosed with DCIS and a 1.5 centimeter tumor. If I were to have listened to the guidelines that they are suggesting in the study that came out today, would I be in the morgue or maybe I would have had to have a mastectomy rather than a lumpectomy? It drives me CRAZY that they think that women in their 40's should not do yearly exams. Who are they working for? The insurance companies or women? I can't tell you how many people I know who have been diagnosed in their 40's. C'mon, too much radiation? What about our phones? What about going through security at an airport? What about..so much crap that is in the air? What about the crap we put in in our bodies? How about the hormones that are shot into cows and chickens that we digest when we eat? We are talking about women's lives. We are talking about women's families who are affected. How DARE they. I am curious who funded this research. I know it was done through "reputable" institutions....do they worry more about costs and radiation exposure over catching breast cancer in its early stages? Will the insurancies companies get a "pass" from paying for yearly mammograms if you are not high risk? The study even said that there is no evidence if it is caught in its early stages that it effects the outcome. OMG. Have any of those researchers been through surgeries, chemo, radiation and heartbreak? Have they lost a family member or dear friend to breast cancer? Have they watched a loved one in fear of dieing? Have they witnessed someone being so sick that they can't lift up their head from their pillow? Have they watched a young girl not wanting to go to school because she's afraid that her mommy won't be alive when she comes home from school? Where is our humanity? Where is our sensitivity? Has our world become only about statistics and money?

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. I can get totally consumed with this study. I can bitch and moan , but the only way I can be heard is to write to my Congressman. I will have to look further into the study before I rant. I know I have to get more educated. I want to protect my daughter and I want to protect women who don't even know that they have breast cancer. So, I will do what I can and that will help me sleep at night. I can't afford to be angry or stressed. I will do my part because I believe that each of our tiny voices becomes one big loud voice. The only people looking out for us, is us. I will go on a campaign..Help save our Boobs. I hope you will join me.

Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day Fifty-Nine...Where Did The Time Go?

2009-11-16T15:26:00.000-08:00

HI.

I can't believe that my daughter is 19 today! Where did the time go? It seems like yesterday that my water broke. We were living in New York. It was my last day of work. I was planning on having 1o days to "get ready" before my due date. Best laid plans!! I went to the doctor earlier in the day..tight as a drum. I was crying because I was so uncomfortable. Was I ready to have my baby? In theory yes, but are you ever ready? My office had a "bon voyage from work and welcome to being a mother party" for me. My hubby and I had plans to eat at this chic restaurant Prix Fix. It was a six course meal. I ate like a bird because who has room for food when you are almost full term? There's no room for food. The baby takes over!! My hubby on the other hand ate it all...lobster, steak, salad, soup, appetisers and of course desert. We went to see our friend play in a really smokey club. I was way paranoid of the smoke..not good for the baby. We left and I am so happy we did. My hubby felt sick to his stomach and went to bed. My water broke at about midnight. I went to wake him only for him to mutter, "I don't feel good". He rolled over and went back to sleep. Did I hear that correctly? HE WASN'T FEELING GOOD!!! I am so lucky to have a fab sister in law. I called her confused and pissed off at "the hubby". She stayed up with me all night on the phone and timed my contractions ( she was in California and I in New York City). At about 5:00 in the morning we went to Lennox Hill Hospital. Our child arrived into the world at 11:14 am. When I locked eyes with our girl, I was hooked. At that very instant, my world changed. I could no longer put me first. I had to raise this beautiful girl. Here we are 19 years later. What a roller coaster being a parent has been. How does one navigate being a parent when there isn't a handbook? I have made mistakes, but boy do we have a wonderful girl. She is kind, sensitive, beautiful, funny, a pain in the ass, smart and loyal to her family. Could I ask for anything else? I don't think so. Would I change anything we have come up against raising her? No because all experiences good and bad have shaped her. She has had some bumps along the way and she has learned from them. Have I wanted to wring her neck at times. That would be a big YES!! Have I been proud of her more than wanting to wring her neck? Yes. Can I take credit for her successes and failures? I don't think so. I have tried to guide her to make better choices. She made her choices. Have I stifled her at times because of my fears? Yeah. Has she pointed those times out to me? Most definitely. I know she has taught me more about life than I ever have taught her. All my kids have. I have to keep myself in check and deal with parts of me that are not always comfortable to look at. I am stronger because of her and my boys. I owe them so much of who I am today. I want to do better for them. So I have to work on me A LOT. I can't afford to give up on me. They look for me to be present. So, when the chips are down and I want to hide, I can only do it for a bit because I have to show them that no matter what is going on in life, YOU CAN GET THROUGH IT. It's not always easy but it can be done. I have found that through the painful times in my life, I have grown the most. Through challenge comes triumph. Happy Birthday my sweet child. I celebrate you today. I celebrate our relationship. I celebrate my love for my hubby. I celebrate our family. I celebrate life.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. So my daughter comes home from the hospital. My parents flew in to meet our girl and to "help" us with the overwhelming feelings of being new parents. I thought my mom would know everything. She was my MOM for heavens sakes. I was having trouble breastfeeding. My mom couldn't help me because she never breast fed us. I went to a lactation specialist. The breast feeding settled itself out rather quickly. We were using cloth diapers, but they were too big. My mom couldn't help because she did not remember how to make them fit. We went to disposables (sorry environment). What my mom did know how to do was show us how to bathe our girl. She was tiny, so she was slipping in the tub we bought. She showed us how to bathe her in the sink. I WAS TERRIFIED. I threw a " I am overwhelmed and afraid because she is crying in the bath fit". My mom knew how to calm me down and also calm our daughter down. She didn't like the water. She didn't like the cold. My mom sang softly to her. It calmed her down. So I knew that singing could calm my girl. I tried it and it worked!! So with all she didn't know or didn't remember, she gave me one very important lesson..follow your instincts. I can attest that it has worked all these years later. When my mom and dad left to go back home, I cried so hard. I needed my mommy. I was afraid to be a mommy. The best thing that could ever have happened was me being alone. It forced me to look at my little girl and grow up. "Okay my sweet mouse pie, this is it. It's you, me and daddy. Lets do this and lets do it right". What a ride it has been!!!

Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In love and peace,

Wolffie

Day Fifty-Eight..Do Pictures Tell A Lie?

2009-11-13T16:32:00.001-08:00

Hi.

I was looking at picture of myself from the 10k run that they sent me from the race. I have to say that I was appalled. I looked like another person. Who was this woman? My face kinda resembled me, but the body? Did they cut my face and put it on another person's body? I was wearing the outfit (in the picture), but I looked.......BIG. Do you know when the paparazzi shoots a picture of a usually fit and trim actress on the beach in a bathing suit looking out of shape and lumpy? The headlines reads, "So and so caught in Hawaii looking like a beached whale". Here's mine, "Wolffie rolls into the finish line looking like a sumo wrestler..watch out or she'll roll over you!!". When I look at myself in the mirror, I don't see that same image. I don't see Twiggy mind you, but I do see a reflection of a woman who is average in weight. The thighs could be a bit thinner and you know how I feel about my middle age tummy. BUT REALLY, after running 6.2 miles ,couldn't they take a flattering shot? Maybe when I come into the finish line at my next race I could run in sideways and hold my arm like the models and actresses do when they are photographed. SH*T. What is it going to take for me to be svelte? I don't eat sugar, I don't eat many bad carbs, I don't drink alcohol and I exercise 3-4 times a week. I guess I could cut my portions. Should I take the skin off my chicken? Probably, but it tastes sooooooooooooooo good. There lies the answer..willingness. Am I willing to do whatever it takes to lose the last 5-10 pounds? Hmmmmmmmmmm, not sure I want to focus on that one right now!!!

Why listen to Wollfie? Because I get it. I love skinny jeans. They look great when I wear a longish sweater or wrap. My thighs are the bomb and my muffin top looks non existent. All is good until I sit down. My crack shows!! Not a pretty site. I am not a teenager who can "kind of" get away with it because her cute thong is peeping out for the world to see. Not a good look on a 48 (almost 49) year old woman with four kids and a hubby. Does the world want to see that? Do I want the world to see that? I have figured out how to get around the "crack look". I either have a sweater that I put over my seat that becomes a makes shift curtain or I wrap it around my waste when I am at a game or sitting on the grass. No crack spotting then!! Why can't they make high wasted skinny jeans? I am sure I could get the skinny jean look in the "older person's" section at Nordies. The problem is that the denim is not as thick, the dyes are not as groovy and the stitching just doesn't compare. Damn it, I want the cool skinny jeans. I don't even have to ( or want to) spend the big bucks. I'll go to H&M. I'll go to Target. I'll go wherever. I just don't want to reveal the crack. Why do they (the designers) forget about us "more mature" bodied women who want to be hip but don't want to reveal our butt cracks? Is this asking too much? This is a dilemma.

Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day Fifty-Seven..Inspiration Lets Us Be Who We Yearn To Be

2009-11-12T15:15:00.000-08:00

Hi.

I went to see the afternoon matinee of Coco Before Chanel today. What an inspiration. It's was amazing to see how she lived her life and what life experiences helped carve her into being the designer she was. I loved so much about the movie. The costumes, the actors, and the landscapes. OMG. I wanted to jump into the movie screen. I could have lived in France in those times. I would have been a rebel just like Coco. The way she wore black and dressed in clean lines while the other woman wore bold hats and dresses with ornamentation that was over the top. They felt like that what was defined them as chic. Coco didn't have to try..she had it. The simplicity of her clothing just sends me over the moon. I left wanting to design again, which I haven't felt like doing in months. Will I design again? Not now. The feeling though is alive within me. The message I got from the movie is , follow your dreams. Be who you are..don't become a carbon copy of some one's thoughts or ideas about life, love and even fashion. It made me want to scream from the roof tops.."I AM WHO I AM AND I LOVE IT"!!! I haven't always felt this way. It took me along time to navigate the waters of life and really understand what makes me tick. I always had an inkling, but I never had the courage to stick to my convictions. Especially growing up. It seemed like I was a leader, but I was really a follower. I got into drinking and other things because I couldn't fathom not fitting in. When I did fit in, I hated it. I was a confused girl. It took me getting sober to realize that my opinions mattered and also I could be unique and still be apart of a group. What I also had to learn is that we all are unique therefore I had to accept my family and friends differences as well as our similarities. That's a hard one. To get my expectations out of the way and be in acceptance...that's something I struggle with today. Especially with my children. Should they have opinions? Of course. Should I honor them? Yes. Should I let go even when I know that they might get hurt? If it is not life threatening. Can I be there to help them pick up the pieces? Most certainly. Do I say I told you so when I help them pick up the pieces? No. I have to be there for them to listen to them, hug them and let them cry if they need to. I can point out the lesson, but I have to not preach. Do I fall short of this? Sometimes. Oh yeah. It's hard to let my kids do something that I know will cause them pain. Especially if I have done a similar thing. I have to do it though so they feel comfortable talking to me. Trust and openness is the key to good communication. It's hard being a grown-up. It's not always easy being a parent. How did I get on that tangent when I was speaking about Coco?!? I think because she saw life as it was and did what she could to survive. She made choices she wasn't always wanting to, but she learned from them and it made her stronger. I always have felt that although I haven't always liked some of my life choices or haven't liked situations that have happened to me and our family, that because of all it, I could write from my heart and soul. I feel this way about Coco. She was who she was because of her past and she rocked it hard in her fashion. She is an icon that I sooooooooooooo love. My hat goes off to Coco. My shoulder is waiting for her bag!!!

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. Last night my boys (hubby included until he fell asleep) were all watching Glee together, my favorite show of the fall 2009 season!! My boys have the,it's hard to sit still for more than one second" syndrome. I thought they were going to out grow this syndrome after being toddlers. Hasn't left yet!! Anyways, we were watching Glee in between me shushing them and telling them to stop talking. All of a sudden one of my boys jumps up and runs to my bathroom. "I hit myself with my elbow on the lip. I cut my lip.I'm bleeeeeeding". He comes running out of my bathroom to show me. The look on his face is priceless. He is bleeding, but not too badly. I start to laugh (just so you don't think I am heartless, he is laughing too!) and I can't stop. I have to push pause on Glee ( a travesty). My hubby wakes up being a Crankisaurus Rex and starts shushing me, which leads me to laugh even harder. My other two boys are laughing just as hard as me. I know that my boy is okay. The bleeding subsides. I have to tell you that what struck me is, how did he hit his lip with this elbow? It seems impossible. We all tried it. He tried to rein act it and couldn't!! Welcome to my world. These kinds of things are always happening to him He is a magnet for weird occurrences. A lot of the time I get annoyed and for some reason this time I didn't. Could it be that I can find humor in my boys testosterone adventures at last?!? I better start having more humorous interactions because their testosterone is alive and kicking. Maybe I should up my testosterone creme so I can understand the inner workings of the testosterone mind? On second thought, I'll stay where I am. I couldn't fathom losing my feminine characteristics. They are strong and work like a charm!!

Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

Day Fifty-Six..Ask And You Shall Receive

2009-11-11T16:08:00.001-08:00

Hi.

I felt so awful yesterday. I couldn't get out of bed. My body was fighting a bug of some sort and I am glad it waited to come into bloom until after my race. Running with a cold would have been awful. I literally got out of bed to make hot tea or go to the bathroom..that's it. My hubby brought me soup and my kids were extra quiet when they got home from school (a rarity). They all had various practices that my hubby drove them too. So, I got to sleep and rest and I feel much better today. In the past, I would do all the driving back and forth. I felt like I had to be the "do it no matter what" mom. That takes so much energy. I had to learn to ask for help. When I went through my chemo and radiation therapies, I was really tired. People offered to carpool my children, make us meals, and take my kids on play dates. At first I was embarrassed. I thought that I had to be "super cancer mom". It doesn't work. I needed to take care of myself in between chemo treatments, so my body could be ready for the next blast. During radiation I was doing chemo simultaneously, so I was extremely tired. It it wasn't for my friends, family and community, I think I would have not been as strong physically or emotionally. I learned that asking for help is a strength not a weakness. Now, almost nine years later, I still ask for help when I need it. I can't be everywhere at the same time. Why stress about it? Sometimes I feel like I ask more than I give. That's a hang-up I have to get out of my head. Sh*t, I have four kids, three that I shuffle around. Who wouldn't need help? If a friend or family member needs me, I am there. I rearrange my day if I have to. I do this because I want to help and also because people had been there for me. I love bringing meals to friends or people in my community (wish I didn't have to ) when they are going through tough times. I know what it feels like to have one less thing to think about when you are in crisis mode. I don't like to pat myself on the back because it takes away from the act of kindness. Being of service to others expecting nothing in return feels so much better than being vocal so someone can say, "Oh how nice of you". As the holidays approach, I can't help but feel a bag of mixed emotions. My friend died three years ago, my dad's anniversary ( 3 years)of when his soul left the earth is coming up as well as his birthday. My birthday is coming up in a few weeks as well (Christmas Eve), that was the last time I saw my dad. It sends tears to my eyes and an overwhelming sense of loss to my heart. I am not sure I will ever get over the shock and loss of my friend and my dad. The pain and sorrow feels different..but it is still here with me. The one thing I have though is my family and friends to share and cry with. If I need them, they are with me: in my bed when I can't get out of it, on the phone or at my side. All I have to do is ask..I never have to go through anything alone. I am one lucky girl.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. The saga of my Chanel Caviar Grand Shopper continues. The other day I was having coffee in my "office" (the local Starbucks) with my fellow office mates, Joanne and Adrienne. One of the girls had a Chanel logo on her phone. I just had to have my "Shopper" as my phone screen saver. I went to google, clicked on the bag and added it as a saved image on my phone and put it as my wallpaper. Now when I open my phone there it is!! I can "visit" it at all hours of the day. Who needs to buy it when you can have a virtual one?!? The funny thing is if I actually had the purse, would it mean anything to me? I think that the yearning is what it is about for me. It makes me giggle. It lets me write funny tales of my obsession. When you get what you obsess for, does it make it all good? I like the chase, the talking about it. What would I want to covet next? I am sure I would find something!!! The truth be told, what I really want and need is peace of mind, my health, and family and friends around me.

Okay, got to let you in on a secret. Call me a material girl, but there is this yummy cashmere sweater.......

Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back fro more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day Fifty-Five...I Did It..Glad To Be Back

2009-11-09T15:34:00.000-08:00

Hi.

I'm back!! I really missed blogging. The past five days have been a whirlwind. The kids had me driving all over the place, even when they were in school. My brother in law and nephew came into town, so we were hanging out. It was my mother-in-laws birthday. so we had a family dinner.... AND..... My 10k run finally happened on Sunday!! I FINISHED with a RESPECTABLE time, 6.2 miles in 1:04.19.95. My goal was to be under 70 minutes. If my math does me right that was a 10.21.2 mile pace. Not bad for an almost 49 year old lady who has only run 6.2 miles once before!! It was hot and hilly. I wanted to quit every time I got to this seemingly endless hill. Instead I chanted over and over and over again, "You can do it..you are not a quitter. You can do it, you are not a quitter". If I want to be completely honest, there was this woman who kept running past me, then she walked, so I ran past her, she ran passed me again, then she walked and I ran past her and she ran passed me AGAIN. Do you get the scenario? I told myself when I wanted to quit (besides you can do it, you're not a quitter), "There is NO WAY you can let her beat you." She didn't. At the last portion of the race, I sprinted past her, there was no turning back!! Yippee! My competitive nature REALLY took over. After the race, I had to change gears and throw a wedding shower for my friend's daughter. Did I mention it was at my house? I got everything ready on Thursday, Friday and Saturday. I came back from the run, flew in the shower, put on my party clothes, hair and make-up and I was good to go! I love giving wedding showers. It is the start of a new chapter in two peoples (and their families) lives. It is innocent and promising and it makes me feel like all is good in the world. The smiles, the laughter and the glow of the love sends warm fuzzies down my spine.

All in all I had a wonderful few days. It is great to accomplish dreams. My next dream/goal is to run either a half marathon or do a mini triathlon. I will keep you posted. What happened to me? I was the woman who liked to stay in bed and watch TV. That's not entirely true, I love to swim. I find it to be meditative and easy on my body. It's getting in the bathing suit that is the hardest part. The Speedos (even the one pieces) are super tight and show off where the flab near my hips don't tuck into the bathing suit. What I seem to forget is that if I swim then the flab will go away!!! My next step is to jump in the pool a few times a week, do laps and then I have to tackle the bike riding all the while continuing my running. Is there a way to buy more hours in the day? Can I train, do my mom stuff, write, and have a moment to spare? I need a nap just thinking about it. I will figure it all out, I always do.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. I knew that it was going to be toasty when I did my 10k. I drank water but not enough to make it so I had to pee during the race. WRONG!! I even went to the Port-A-Potty just before the race started. Let me tell you that I really dislike Port-A-Potties. Where do I start: the smell, germs, the hole that shows you everything? GROSS!! Anyways,I peed the entire race every time I went up hill!! I don't know what to do, except wear black wicking clothes that dry quickly. I am not going to quit running. It seems like I am not going to quit peeing! I have to drink something to stay hydrated. I am not leaving a trail behind me, so no-one is going to slip on my pee and hurt themselves. I have to believe that I am not the only one who has this "problem". I just own it.

Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day Fifty-Four..Do I Really Have To Be Completely Honest?

2009-11-04T15:11:00.001-08:00

Hi.

I got my renewal letter for my drivers license from the DMV the other day. I have not had a ticket in years (poo poo on the truth), so I thought I was going to be able to mail it in as I had done in previous years. But NOOOO, that's not what the letter said.. I have to go in, take an eye exam and have a new photo taken. What's up with that? My hubby who had had several tickets (he did traffic school) gets to mail his renewal in. I, who have had a perfect record, has to go to the DMV, wait in line (even though they give you an appointment) and have to fill out new information. Did I mention that they ask about your weight? I don't care that I have to take a new picture. I don't care that I have to take an eye exam. I care that my weight has gone up 10 pounds and I am faced with telling the truth about this issue or fibbing. What's a girl to do? Tell the friendly DMV person that I have gone through menopause and I can't get back down to my old weight? Do I keep it the way it is and hope they haven't changed their procedure by having me hop on a scale that's voice activated and says, "Up ten pounds". Do I keep the same weight or do I put my new and improved upwardly mobile weight on my new license? I talked to a friend today and she suggested that I meet halfway in the middle. That sounded like a good plan. As the day has worn on, I have been thinking about it (and I have been thinking about it!), I am going to put my actual weight. I am going to be honest. Who really looks at "the number" anyway? I have never had a sales associate say, "Do you REALLY weigh that? Never. If I put a phony number down, then I am saying that I am not okay with the me. Am I a "hot mama"? NO. Am I a "you better get in better shape mama"? NO. I am a "average weight and body type mama who does the best that she can". So, I will go for my appointment with my head held high and my a flab neatly tucked away and I will take that picture, pass that eye exam, and put my correct weight for my new license. If the person at the DMV comments, " My Wolffie you have added some poundage in the past ten years", I am not sure if I will keep my mouth shut or walk out in horror. I know that this scenario won't happen..does the DMV person or the rest of the world really care if I weigh more?

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. I had a gift card for Saks Fifth Avenue. I was setting it aside to put towards my Chanel Grand Shopper. Who was I kidding? I would need many more gift cards to purchase that handbag. I decided to use it for my daughters birthday instead. As I was walking to the escalator to go to the fifth floor, wouldn't you know it, I had to walk by the Chanel Handbag boutique! Could I walk past and not "visit" my coveted bag? What do you think? I walked straight to the bag, put it on my shoulder, looked in the mirror (I look fab in that bag!), set it down and walked away completely satisfied until my next encounter. I was able to buy my girl a special birthday gift (can't tell you what I bought because she reads my blogs!). Isn't that what it is about? I love getting family and friends special things. I love to buy myself special things as well, but it really feels better to give than to receive. That's not to say if a family member or a friend finds that they are in Chanel and have the urge to give a Grand Shopper to a special someone......Oh no, I couldn't accept such an extravagant gift...or could I?!? LOL!!!

Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day Fifty-Three...On Your Mark..Get Set..Go

2009-11-03T15:55:00.000-08:00

Hi.

I have been training for several months for the Calabasas Classic 10k run that is this Sunday. I am ready and excited. I woke up with a sore ankle and a sore throat today. I am going to do this race even if I have to tape my ankle and have a runny nose. This race signifies so much to me. Running did not come easily to me. At first I could only run maybe 1/4 of a mile without stopping (I wanted to stop). My lungs would burn and my body felt like a lead weight. Slowly but surely I had more stamina and that 1/4 mile became 1/2 mile and so on until I was able to run 6.2 miles. I had injuries and illness and I still stuck with it. I want to toot my own horn because I seem to start a million things and always give up. Part of why I stuck it out is because of my son. He is a runner and it gives us a common bond. I love that he asks how my runs were and sometimes we run together..or shall I say I follow him on a run!!! The other reason I stuck with it is because it calms me. I can be out of my mind crazy about who knows what and when I finish my run I am calm, calm, calm. So, on Sunday I will run as best as I can. My goal is to finish the race in less than 70 minutes and I would like to be in one piece! I don't think that is too much to wish for!!

Why Listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. As I have shared before, my bladder is not the best. I probably should wear depends, but something about an almost 49 year old woman doing so makes me cringe. So, I deal with the spillage that sometimes occurs. I have tried everything: sticking to decaffeinated drinks, water only, no liquids 1 hour before exercise...Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. There is no rhythm or reason to my bladder. It has a mind of its own. Nine times out of ten I have "an accident" while I am on a run. The one thing that I ALWAYS do is wear black tights, running skort, or shorts. This way my secret is safe (well the cats out of the bag now!).This is apart of growing older that NO ONE told me about. What would I have done with the information anyways?

Moral of the story: Sometimes what you don't know doesn't hurt you!!

Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day Fifty-Two....The kids are growing up

2009-11-02T15:23:00.000-08:00

Hi.

I thought that I would like the break from taking a couple days off of blog writing. I missed it. I do have two days worth of stories to fall back on though. I never thought of myself as a routine girl. I am. There is something about picking up the boys from school, getting a cup of tea, lighting my candles, looking at the picture of my dad for inspiration and writing. The actions of sitting in front of my computer to write concrete thoughts is relaxing. I don't often give myself the opportunity to relax as I am a "go get em" type of girl. To contemplate about my day or share a thought on my blog has given me the mindset to move forward and to follow my writing dreams.

My weekend was strange. Especially Halloween night. This is the first time in 18 years that I have not taken one of my kids trick or treating. Weird. My daughter is off having a Halloween weekend at college.My hubby took our youngest boy in the late afternoon to a friends house. When he got there, there were about 6 girls and three boys hanging outside. He DID NOT want my hubby to get out of the car. I had made arrangements with my friend (the mom) so my hubby did as he was told. Weird. Our baby is growing up. I wonder if it was me who was dropping him off....would he have done the same thing? I can't be as embarrassing as my hubby, can I? The twins are another story. I KNOW I EMBARRASS THEM. Right now I am not cool. I know I will be some day. I dropped off my twins at their friends house at 6:00. I had no thoughts of walking them in! I had a scrumptious dinner waiting for me (cooked by the hubby). I picked up my frozen yogurt. I was ready for a night of cute costumes and young kids coming to our house for candy. While we were waiting for "the knock", we watched the World Series. All was good. The night went on and WE GOT ZERO TRICK OR TREATERS!! This sent me into "a mood". It's hard enough having your kids grow up and not hanging with you on one of the funnest nights ever, but I thought I could still hold onto the fun with handing out candy. NOPE. I was a cranky mom when I picked up the kids. I wish I could have told them that I missed hanging with them. I didn't want them to feel bad. Everyone is growing up. Even my kids. I am not entirely ready. It's a right of passage to do so. It just hurts sometimes. I think I will tell them today. After the fact. I know they will hug me..and maybe that's what it is about...them growing up and me letting them. The gift is the hug. I love hugs more than I do candy anyways!!!

Why Listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. My niece and daughter were having a play date at our house. They were both about 5 1/2. My niece LOVED (and still does) candy. She always had some kind of candy stashed on her, usually sour. On this day, the play date went great. Lori was out of town so Nana came and took my niece home. I got this weird phone call from Nana. She was laughing and horrified at the same time. Apparently my daughter wanted my niece's sour patch candy. My niece had no problem giving it to her . For a price that is: all the money in my daughter's piggy bank! (about $20.00)!! At the time I remember thinking how well ( and quietly) they were playing together!! When I went to my daughters room (after the Nana phone call), the piggy bank was broken apart on her carpet. She didn't seem unhappy though. Could it have been the sugar rush!!! I drove to get back the money from my niece. When I got there, she looked a bit scared. Was Auntie going to yell at her. No way. She handed me the bag of change as crocodile tears were running down her face. No words were spoken. I hugged her tight and said, "Next time you don't have to give your cousin your candy if you don't want to give her your last package". "Oh no Auntie, I had more at home. I just wanted to have her money so I could buy lots more"!!

Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

in Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day Fifty-One..Oops I DId It Again

2009-10-30T16:29:00.000-07:00

Hi.

This getting older business just keeps getting funnier and annoying at the same time. It's annoying because I find I am getting frustrated with myself more often. It's always funny after the fact when I share my "I can't believe I did that" adventures with my friends.

I started off my day at 2:00 in the morning when PING, my eyes opened up. I went to the bathroom trying to not have any thoughts because that sets me up to be up for a few hours. It didn't work. I noticed that my phone was not being charged at my nightstand, so I went looking around the house for it. As you know from me sharing about my misplacing items, I looked all over the house and checked my purse at least five times. No phone. I threw my warm robe on and went to my hubbys car. (the last place I remembered having my phone) It wasn't there. Soooooooooooooo, I searched the house again..SURPRIZE!!! It was on our kitchen counter under the mail. I plugged my phone into the charger and went to my daughters room (the one who is at college) and climbed into her comfy bed. I didn't want to wake my hubby!! I was wide awake. I was annoyed because I was wide awake. It was 2:30 in the damn morning. I had a busy day ahead of me. I watched the news....there was nothing else on except a poker game (we don't have cable in her room). I finally got to sleep at about 3:30.

Ring. Ring. The phone was ringing. It was 7:15. I had to be up at 6:50. I was doing my first time ever 10k in preparation for my race next week. I couldn't eat a proper breakfast (not enough time to digest). I couldn't drink a lot of water before (because I would need depends in my running tights!). My boys were getting there Halloween Costumes together for school and one of them took the costume back to wear that he said his brother could wear. I got involved in the bickering (not a good thing). My boys left late and I had to wait for them because my hubby's car was blocking mine. I finally got in my car and realized I didn't have my phone. I ran back in the house and couldn't find it!! It was on vibrate so it wouldn't wake up my hubby when I get notifications of emails in the middle of the night. I was calling my number as I walked around the house listening for the vibrate. I didn't mention that I couldn't call my running pal to tell her I would be late as her number is programmed in my cell phone!! I finally found my phone in my closet. How it got there, I have no clue!! I met my friend. We ran our 6.2 miles for the first time and I felt....GREAT!! The morning stress was behind me. I was not tired or sore. I met friends for lunch, we giggled and all was good.

Why Listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. I picked up my boys today from school as usual. I came home to write in my blog as usual. Something happened to my boys when I sat at my desk to write this blog. It was the "I think I am going to bug my Mom" syndrome. The boys became obnoxious with each other while on their computers in the alcove next to my desk. All we have between us is a door with glass panes. I can hear everything: the farts, the rap music, their banter and these high pitched squeaky voices which send chills down my spine. I asked them to be quieter which only gave them the licence to be louder and squeakier. I asked again and again as my voice got louder and louder.This makes me feel like a piece of shit. I know they are being little shits, but why stoop down to their level? One of the boys inevitably gets sent out of the alcove, which makes them mad..because they have the "why are you getting mad at me, I never do anything wrong look"as they storm out of the room to their room. It's not a productive moment in our household. We always end up talking civilized to each other after they come out of their room. We need a break from each other so we can have that civilized talk!! My kids are good kids. They just can be annoying at times when they have the "I am the center of my universe" attitude. When I am in a calmer state, I can say to my kids:"Either let us into your world or come back into THE WORLD". After I get the "I can't believe you are saying that to me" look, we end up back in a groove with each other, usually after a good heartfelt laugh.

On the heels of a bad morning, doing a long run and being tired from lack of sleep, I didn't have the patience to be the bigger person with my boys. I am just happy that I can accept my side of the street and talk to my kids. It does take two to tango!!

Moral of the story: When you are having a bad day. End it. Go to bed!!! ( told to me today by m gal pal Jackie today!!!)

Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

in love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day Fifty...Do You Ever Zone

2009-10-29T16:01:00.000-07:00

Hi.

There is something about knowing that you are not alone in your feelings that is kind of wonderful. I was having lunch with some girlfriends today who are lets say..older than me!!! One of my girlfriends started talking about how forgetful she is. Relating!!!! We all started to laugh and chime in about our funny stories. The stories are endless. I couldn't help but relish in the fact that I am not the only airhead in my circle. To the outside world, we all are responsible capable women. I chimed in with: "Sometimes when I am driving, I will all of a sudden realize that I have changed lanes and I don't remember doing it". They all nodded their heads in agreement. I can't even blame it on being on the phone. I zone out. It's a phenomenon called "Road Zoning". There have been studies (taken by the renowned road expert Wolffie) It shows that when you are female, ages 37 and up, and are driving (usually alone) for ten minutes or more a chemical change happens in the brain that sends a message to the female to forget all that is happening. The study goes on to say that even though the zone affect occurs, the eyes can handle it so accidents are minimal The study sites that when there are children, a spouse or another adult in the car the zoning affect stays dormant because there is no way in hell that the female can be calm enough to forget anything. The suggestion to all women who are 37 and up who are driving alone and are frightened that they might succumb to "Road Zoning": Turn the radio up loud and start singing at the top of your lungs. They feel this represents an average car ride if you are a mother , wife, or laughing with a friend. The study concludes that talking on the phone does not have the same affect as singing does. For more information on the study by Wolffie, you can go to her blog each day to laugh a little, relate a little and sometimes cry a little. Knowing that one is never alone in their feelings is a great help to getting through this stage of life.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. My hubby and I had gone to Colorado to move our daughter into her sophomore year of college. I had worn my engagement ring, but we were moving so much that I put it in my cosmetic bag for safe keeping. We got home and several weeks later, I had the urge to wear my ring. I went to my jewelry drawer. It wasn't there. I looked in a tray by my bedside. Not there. I looked behind a piece of furniture in my bathroom. Wasn't there. I looked five million times everywhere in the house. Gone. I called our daughter to see if I left it at her house. Nope. I was frantic. I was not a peach to be around. I picked up the phone to call my hubby. I felt sick to my stomach when I told him, "I lost my engagement ring". There was silence on the phone. "Are you going to say anything"? He calmly answered. "Honey, you will find it. You always do". I wanted to kill him. I did what any frantic person would do, I HUNG UP ON HIM. I can't believe he wasn't rushing home to help me find my ring while calling our insurance agency at the same time. It was my engagement ring! My boys were home, they were not fazed. Where was my support?!? A light bulb went off. Cosmetic bag. There it was all shiny and waiting to be worn. The crazies left me. I called my hubby who I could tell was smiling on the phone. "Great", was all he said. All was calm in our household once more.

Moral of the story: If mama can't find something, let her be and it will appear.

Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wendy

Day Forty-Nine..If I Only Had A Brain

2009-10-28T15:46:00.000-07:00

Hi,

It's a nice brisk fall day today. I have lit my candles for ambiance and glanced at the picture of my dad for inspiration. I made a big cup of hot tea. I set it down someplace and couldn't find it. I have spent the last 5 minutes looking around my house. I've gone in and out of every room and bathroom several times. Where is the damn cup of tea? My relaxed state is slowly becoming angst. Had I looked up above my computer at my shelf that is hanging on the wall, I would have found my now lukewarm cup of tea!! Why did I put it there? My eyes never thought to look up. I cannot tell you how many times a day this happens to me. Where did I put my keys? Why did I walk into this room? Where are my sunglasses? What was I about to say? I often wonder if the chemo had anything to do with the memory loss. Could it be the menopausal brain that causes me to have brain farts? Maybe. Is it because I have a lot on my plate with four kids, a hubby and a full life of my own? Does it really matter what the reason is? The truth is that I am sometimes an airhead. It's just the way it is. I can recall everything from my past, but things that are in the here and now, forget about it...I usually don't remember.

I have tried to do things that will help with my memory. Exercise for sure. Running clears my head but it doesn't always help with the lapse of: "What was I going to do,say or where did I put that" moments. Sudoku is fun, but it hasn't helped either. The only thing I can do is accept. This is who I am, a bright, funny and organized woman who sometimes loses her train of thought and forgets where she puts things. Do I have an alternative? I must write things down now. I had to do away with my IPhone calendar and go back to the big book organizer/calendar. Every person in our family has a colored pencil assigned to them. I write down appointments, game times,family outings, my hubby's schedule if it requires a change in our routine and of course all my stuff. I look at the day and can see what needs to be done for who because of the coding system. (I told you I was organized). The key is to remember to write it in my book! Do I love being this anal? Not really. It goes against the free spirit mentality that I wish I could have. If I don't do this it goes into the, "you are NEVER going to remember that" part of my brain. I could slow down but who has time to do that!?!

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. This not remembering thing has been happening for a long time. When I did chemo, I was slammed into menopause. So, although I am 48 (almost 49), my body and brain are that of a woman in her late 50's early 60's. I am not complaining about it. Facts are facts. One of my sons was invited to go to summer school. He was going into the 3rd grade, so it was 5 years ago (I was a strapping young 43 year old woman). I dropped him off as usual, walked him to his class, kissed him and said "Have a great morning honey, I"ll be in front of your class to pick you up". My other 3 kids and I had a great morning hanging out and doing errands. My cell phone rang, "Hi mommy. Where are you"? OMG. I forgot to pick up my son!!! "Be right there honey"! I felt awful. Who forgets to pick up her son 4 hours after she dropped him off.? A person who has a menopausal brain and a busy life. I apologized profusely as you could imagine. "It's okay Mommy". But I knew it wasn't. To make matters worse, my son reminded me of that story yesterday. (because I forgot it happened).

Moral of the story? Take time to smell the roses while writing everything down.

Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again/

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day Forty-Eight.. One Minute Escaping, The Other Back In Reality

2009-10-27T15:25:00.000-07:00

Hi.

I am feeling a bit under the weather today. After I took my son to the dentist to get a filling, I dropped him off at school and came home to chill. And chill I did. I threw my favorite hand knit blanket over me and slept a bit on my comfy leather couch. After my cat nap, I turned on the TV to watch my soaps. If you ever want to feel sane about your life, watch a soap opera. I am a ABC soap gal. Today I watched All My Children. I don't think I have watched it in at least a year. It doesn't really matter. The characters might have changed, but the scenarios don't. Lust, murder, intrigue, deception, same sex marriage. It's all about the conflict. I was hooked!!! My life is surely normal in comparison. I have not slept with my brother-in-law to get my hubby jealous. My four kids were conceived with my hubby. My long lost brother who has been missing for fifteen years has not knocked on my door with a family in tow( I talk to my bro a few times a week and he lives 3 miles from me). My boy did not start a fire in the local park and try to pin in on his arch rival. My BFF did not undermine me to become the head of the PTA. Our town has not been overtaken by aliens.

My life is BORING in comparison to a soap opera. I must tell you I have a busy insane full life. Is there drama? Yes. Is there love? Yes. Is there pain? Sometimes. Is there monotony? At times. Is there PTA? Yep. Is there passion? Yep. Some might call my life a soap opera as things are always happening (mostly good..some not so good) but I wouldn't want to jump the television and live in Port Charles ,USA (General Hospital).

Why Listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. I picked up my 3 boys from school today along with 3 of the twins friends. They have had this on going project due in Social Studies. My house has been the project house. After my quiet day, I have 6 boys in my car who are comfortable with me so therefore they are LOUD. "Dude" this and "Dude" that. Testosterone City. The one up man ship of teenage boys astounds me. Do they really have to compete about everything from who is the best in various sports to who knows all the words to the rap song that is blaring as they are writing their paper? (which they get A's on!) How can they concentrate with Lil Wayne professing his crap? Gansta Love? (Snoop Dogg), how can these Suburban boys relate to the lifestyle? It is polar opposite. They tell me the these rappers "Represent". Huh?!? What happened to Emo? We can all relate to having a tortured soul. This gansta shit eludes me. I often have conversations with my boys ( and my daughter too) about how these songs make treating women poorly and violence okay. They laugh at me. My hubby is right behind them singing the damn songs! (can you picture the family sing-a-long?!?) Give me Jack Johnson, Jack's Manniquin, or The Dixie Chicks. Give me love songs. Give me Green Day. I do love rebellion (not in my kids though). Heavy sigh. I have had to let this one go. I guess rap to me is what the Beatles were to parents in the 60's. Have I become that "not cool parent who doesn't understand them?" OMG.

Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day Forty-Seven...Is It About The Why's Or is It About the How's?

2009-10-26T15:16:00.000-07:00

Hi.

Why do bad things happen to good people? This is something I have tried to figure out. I haven't come up with an answer yet. Could it be because they can handle the bad along with the good? Could it be that they their strength is an inspiration to others? I have learned that is not always about the "Why's" but more about the "How's".. (How can I get through this?)

Through some of my trial and tribulations, people have expressed that they were inspired by me? Why? Having cancer, having to downsize, losing my father, or losing dear friends really does not give me an award fort the "best handler" of loss. I lost myself to cancer, and won a new improved Wolffie. I lost a lifestyle and gained a new understanding of what is important. I lost my father and gained nothing but missing my daddy. I lost friends to cancer and gained guilt because I survived. How does this make me inspiring? I just wanted to live more than give up on the good in life.

Should I pat myself on the back and say, "Good for you, wonderful Wolffie"? No. I don't feel wonderful. I just feel blessed that people before and after me have paved the way for me to move on in life. I still feel my feelings. It's been challenging, but I think of my hero's and it gives me courage.

Watching people I love live in pain is hard on my heart and soul. I want to fix them. I want to take their pain away. Help them move on.

My wants are not always the realities of life. My dear friend is hurting. We are like soul mates. Her strength and wisdom astound me. Could I ever be as graceful while in the throws of a chronic disease? Part of me thinks yes (from past experiences) and part of me thinks no.

What I do know is that I want to be her pillar when she needs to have someone to hold onto. I want to be helpful to her, not helpless. I can't fix her pain but I can honor her and listen when she needs to be heard. Half the battle of going through any crisis is knowing that someone is listening. I like to bring her laughter even if it is not always the best time. For a moment I see a glimmer of a smile and know that for a second she can see light in the midst of darkness. I will forever be her comedian.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. While waiting for my friend to be done with a doctors appointment, I decided to go to get a cup of Joe. I wandered around the center for a bit, strolling in and out of the stores and not having the urge to buy anything. That in itself is a miracle. I walked by this restaurant, and this overwhelming sense of missing my dad came over me. I didn't really understand it for a minute and then I recalled how much my dad and mom loved this restaurant. I started to cry right then and there. Couldn't stop. It felt okay though....it made me feel raw and it opened up my heart to the feelings of what my friend is going through. So, when good things happen to bad people, I can't buy that concept. I think it's more like shitty things happen so we can open ourselves up to people who might need us in the future. One should never feel alone in their pain. I was able to cry with my friend today, laugh with my friend today, hug my friend today..because I could feel today. I thank all of you who have been there for me, so I could be there for my sweet friend

Mantra for today: Feel it, embrace it and just be.

Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day 46...Some Days Are Better Than Others

2009-10-24T15:56:00.000-07:00

Hi.

I am not in a good mood. I would like to be doing something other than writing this blog. My head is screaming, "Don't do it". My heart is saying, "Honor your commitment to yourself". There have been so many times in my life when I would get the "F" its and not follow through with something I had started.. Who am I hurting then? If I miss a day, I know it won't affect anybody but me. I don't want to be a quitter. This is what I teach my children. If you make a commitment..than you must follow through. You can always reassess when you are done with your commitment. This blog is an open ended commitment. I never gave myself a completion date!! So here I sit with nothing to say. Hum did-di- dum.

Our day started out fine. The Cross Country race for my son went well. He was happy with his race. The soccer game was another story. I am still fuming. Our team lost 2-1. That's okay. I can't tolerate bad sportsmanship. One of the players from the opposing team punched two of our players in the line after the game. Handshakes are supposed to be made, not a punch to the ribs!! The refs said it wasn't their problem, so I made it mine!!! There I went all 5'4"of me walking briskly to the opposing team. I talked to the coach. He didn't care that his player threw some punches. As I was walking away, I could hear laughter amongst the kids and their parents. I am sure they thought I was a lunatic,but somebody has to end this bad crap. I felt good about sticking up for my players. I usually don't open my mouth but our players were a bit stunned. We don't hit people after a game. These kids are 11 and 12 years old. Can't parents parent? Am I alone in thinking that it is our responsibility to teach our kids right from wrong? I could go on and on..but I won't. I am going to have an ice decaf coffee instead.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. My hubby and I were going on our honeymoon to The Caribbean. We took a red eye to New York and had a 3 hour stop over. We arrived in Saint Thomas and had a 2 hour stop over there. It was humid. We were tired. They asked us our weight, weighed our bags and even weighed my purse. I thought that was odd as I had never experienced that before. Our flight was finally called and we had to walk on the tarmac to our plane. As we passed planes, they were getting smaller and smaller. When we got to our eight seater plane, I overheard the pilot say, "I hate doing these flights". Why would he say that? We were told where to sit. My hubby and I weighed about the same, so we got to sit next to each other. "There is no air pressure on the plane", I whispered in a panic. The door shut. I couldn't breathe. "Get me off this plane", I barked. The pilot tried to talk me down from my panic. "Get me off this "F"ing plane". My chest was getting tighter and tighter. I never knew I was claustrophobic. Not the best time to realize this! We got off, our bags didn't. They needed the weight for the flight. What would have been a 20 minute plane ride became a three hour ordeal. We took a ferry to the other side of the island. Then we took a cab ride over a very windy road. All the while I am saying over and over again to my new hubby of less than 24 hours, "I am sooooooooo sorry. It won't always be like this"! We took a boat taxi to another island, our final destination. Our bags were waiting for us on the dock. We checked into the hotel. We missed dinner, but we made it. The rest of our honeymoon was wonderful, except for the bug bites I had up and down my legs!!!

Moral of the story: Not funny back then but really funny now!

Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie